Journeying inward can lead us to consider dreams that we’d given up on. At this point in my life I’m waking up to realize the truth of who I am and the nature of work that I was created to do. My love of writing has been reawakened within me. Ever since I can remember, I’ve enjoyed putting my thoughts down on paper and dissecting new information. I’ve often stated that I’m best at communicating on paper because I find that I am more intentional with my words when I write. I’m learning that my soul is one of a researcher, student, and writer though it’s taken me some time to get back to what has always been true.
I remember, when faced with getting out of college and deciding what I would “do,” I had a strong sense of wanting to remain a student. I really didn’t want to go out and get a “real job.” I wasn’t really excited about graduation and entering the “real world.” After spending some time this year in deep introspection, I now see that this has never really changed despite my going out and getting a “real job,” which I’ve learned has left me pretty miserable and unfulfilled at times.
Looking back, I can clearly see that I knew what I wanted then but failed to be courageous enough to realize it. “Had I known then, what I know now” is something I’d heard many “adults” say and now, being an adult, I have to admit there is something to be said about cliché’s. Most times they are free nuggets of wisdom spoken so frequently that we begin to grow dull to them and respond with an attitude of indifference. Now, as I sit and write, I hear these words echoing loudly through my being.
Had I known then, that to be truly fulfilled, I would need to nurture that inner voice, the inner knowing that was leading me onto the path where I would feel most myself. Had I listened, and not allowed the world to drown her out, how much more impact could I have made by now? How much more experience would I have had? How much more happiness could I have cultivated? Knowing what I now know, I could sit and ponder these questions, but that would be pointless given that I cannot rewrite the decisions of the past as none of us can.
I’ve always been a free-spirit who prized freedom over control. As a child, I was fairly rebellious and wanted to go it alone to find my own way. I was not someone who enjoyed rules and often would question everything with the word “Why?” I never enjoyed the idea of being “managed” or told what to do, which in hindsight should have told me to run away from corporate life as quickly as I could. If I were to be asked to do something, I always wanted to be clear on the why. I remember pondering the world and wondering about the nature of things and how they came to be. I especially liked listening to other adults’ conversations and being a silent observer taking in information. I enjoyed time in solitude occupied by my own mind.
In addition, I really enjoyed creative pursuits. I wrote poetry and song lyrics with dreams of being a songwriter for some of the world’s biggest pop stars. I read the articles in magazines and dreamed that I would be a big-time editor. Later, I enjoyed reading self-help and psychology books. I would go through them like it was going out of style in my leisure. Yet, when it came time to choose my path after high school, I had already been so run over by the world that none of this registered and I went to obtain my liberal arts degree because, “I didn’t really know what I wanted to be.” After getting the degree, really for the sake of getting the degree, I went on to get a bachelor’s in business management. Again, because, “I didn’t really know what I wanted to be” and had assumed that everything in this world where money is made is a business so I’ll “play it safe” and get some general knowledge that would allow me to “climb the corporate ladder” and make “lots of money.” This is the mantra of the world, in case you weren’t aware (but that I will save for another post).
Somewhere between the childhood dreams and where I was in December 2017, I had lost my way. The inquisitive person within me gave up and accepted, “that’s just the way things are.” I accepted the world’s idea of success. I allowed what brought me to life to simply die. I failed to hear the child (higher self/holy spirit/God-self/spirit) within me begging for joy and to simply be heard. I sought happiness in some unhealthy ways as a coping mechanism for disowning pieces of myself (this too will be another post). Over the past year and much inner work, I’ve seen a resurgence of myself and am once again coming alive. As a result of doing my inner work, I now want to caution others about how dangerous it is to “play it safe.”
There is a reason why the Bible consistently states phrases like, “Have courage,” “Fear not,” “Do not be afraid.” When we “play it safe” out of fear of what might happen should we actually dare to be who we are, we sacrifice so much of that which the world truly needs. “Playing it safe” is what it means to “sell your soul to the devil.” The world loses out on life. It misses out on the aliveness our beings embody when we feel love and joy for what we do, who we are, the life we are living, and why we are here. When we play it safe, we are playing on the wrong team. We’re allowing doubt and fear to rule us instead of love and joy. I did this too, I played on the wrong team for many years. I’m 34 now and am just now switching teams refusing to be ruled by fear or doubt any longer and through this blog, we’ll see where it takes me.
Join me on the journey and comment. Where have you played it safe? How did it turn out? What did you learn from your choice to do so? What is it that you have been denying within yourself that is yearning to be expressed? What stops you from being fully you?