Have you ever had a day where you just feel really unaccomplished? Today was one of those days for me. I couldn’t fight my lazy bones and intense lack of motivation to get anything done despite feeling like I should be doing so. I’ve been working to organize the tasks I need to get done in order to launch this blog on my slower work days, but today I fell short. Every time I would get started, a work email came in and I was immediately sidetracked. Needless to say, I feel a little defeated today and a little doubtful though I’m trying to combat the doubt with faith.
I feel unsure with regard to what my next move is and whether I can really make this work. When I say things like this in my head, I am immediately working to combat them with intentional belief statements, though I am having a little trouble kicking these thoughts today. I’m trying to be ok with the fact that I haven’t made much progress on the actual logistics and research of creating this blog, yet inside I know I am letting myself down. Maybe this is where I need to practice letting go of expectation once again. I seem to have a tough time with that and that is one of my constant areas of practice.
I spent some time today out on Indeed looking at writing, marketing, and additional positions in my field and did not find anything that my heart was willing to say “yes” to. I spent some time updating my LinkedIn account in the event that I decided to apply to any of the jobs I happened to stumble across. Even as I was doing this, I was fighting against it. Nothing about the application process appeals to me. I hate it. It’s a game of trying to prove your worth it to others, which, even though I’ve been fairly successful at, makes me crawl within my skin. The whole thing wreaks of inequality and has an air of desperation.
Looking at positions, there were some I would consider because they may help me learn some of the skills I feel I’ll need to make this project successful, but then as I looked at the qualifications, the nagging voices that say things like, “Why would they hire you with no experience?” “Why would you apply for something that probably makes half of what you make now, if that?” “Can you really afford to make a change taking this big of a step back?” Though, in my heart of hearts, I know I do not want to work for others, I also am realistic and know it may be beneficial to take the right type of position to start branching out into new skill sets… social media marketing, marketing in general, graphic design, writing, etc. It’s often quicker to learn from others who know what they are doing than to go it alone and it’s even better if you can get paid to learn from them.
Today, I expected to accomplish so much and then when the day came to a close, I felt like I started a bunch of things, yet left them unfinished. It’s frustrating. I sat on my couch debating what I should really be doing. I had already spent time looking at jobs, shopping for a new computer, and starting a couple of other things, but not fully finishing or accomplishing much of anything. I ended up getting up and going to take a shower figuring that stepping away from the computer and washing some of the rut that I felt I was in off would be beneficial.
While in the shower, I realized it was my good old friend Fear holding me back again. The doubt gremlins were coming along trying to steal the show. The “not good enough” goblins were coming out to play. I was not finishing anything because I was allowing Fear to run away with my energy. While looking at jobs, I didn’t apply because I was defeating myself before I even started with the thoughts that told me I wasn’t qualified. While looking at computers, I feared investing in this project because “What if it doesn’t work and then I invested a large sum of money on a high end computer?” “Should I really be spending this money right now when my current job situation doesn’t feel super secure?”
I decided to write… that is my go to. That is what I really enjoy and one of the reasons I chose to start this project… so I decided to return to what I know. I wanted to feel as though I was doing something to move this project forward, even if it wasn’t any of the things that need to get done so that I can be in a position to launch. I figured doing something, anything, was at least a step in the right direction. Then my fiance came home. Needless to say, I stopped writing when he walked in the door and began talking to him about how I felt. I told him that I was being hit hard with fear today, which turned out to be the best choice I had made all day. He was so good at encouraging me and explained that he gets it as a small business owner also and his dad always helps him out when he’s caught in it. He congratulated me for recognizing what it was since most people don’t acknowledge fear when they feel it and make excuses. He helped me to see that I was at, what will be one of many crossroads in this process to do what I love and break free of the the work I am currently in.
When I told him I spent time computer shopping today and then realized for myself that I was scared to invest fully in this… that when it came time to open the wallet and start acquiring the tools I would need to really dive in head first, I seemed to be frozen and couldn’t get anything accomplished. I had done it the other day when I got almost all the way through the process of signing up with USPS for a PO Box and then stopped on the final step where I put my credit card information in to secure it. I stopped because I said, “Maybe I hold off on this until I have the site launched.” The problem is, I don’t want to launch the site until I have the business filed. To file the business, I want to have the PO Box in place so I can use the post office provided address as my business address rather than my own personal address. I’m having a case of “what comes first… the chicken or the egg” and am learning that I just have to act and then go from there rather than staying stuck in “what if” analytical mode.
When my fiance proposed going to Best Buy after picking up our daughter, initially, I said,” I don’t really need to go there to look at computers… I already did the research online and narrowed it down to 2-3.” He insisted. I realized I had 2 choices, (1) let the fear win and continue to be still (2) do exactly what I was afraid of in that moment. I chose #2. We went to Best Buy and I purchased my top choice for a computer. To put it into perspective, I’m currently typing this on a 2012 HP with Windows 8, 3.47GB of RAM, and a 1.9Ghz processor. To run some of the programs I want to learn for this endeavor, I need a bit (putting it mildly) more power.
I’m fairly proud of myself this evening. I felt the fear and chose to defy it, which feels pretty “badass.” The more I invest, the more real this becomes. The more I step over the fear, even if I am doing it quivering and unsure, the stronger and more self-assured I’m becoming. Confidence is built by surmounting one fear-filled hurdle at a time. Don’t wait until the fear subsides, feel the fear and do it anyway! I’m excited to start manifesting my dreams and stop playing small. I’ve been in the land of Whoville for far too long… for those of you who have seen “Horton Hears a Who.” It’s time to start looking beyond my tiny speck of reality, exercising the faith I claim to have, and trusting that God will guide me and help me fulfill my personal mission throughout the process.
When is the last time you did something that scares you? How have you been holding yourself back? What tools have you been denying yourself as an excuse to stop you from accomplishing your dreams? Share with me. I certainly can relate and most likely can help.