Why do we complain incessantly about the same things rather than take the initiative to fix them? I just finished reading “Year of Yes” by Shonda Rhimes, so it may be why my partner’s complaints about the same old things are really grating on my nerves. I’m trying to start living my own life in a way that I can either accept and be grateful for my current situation and where I can’t I am in the process of changing the things I don’t particularly enjoy or like. It seems the minute we get our daughter into bed, he wants to sit there and vent about work. I’m tired of hearing it. I’m tired of listening to the complaints when having a straight forward conversation could solve the things he complains about.
It’s probably this that annoys me the most about his complaints because this is one of his biggest flaws that affects my relationship with him. He doesn’t know how to be direct and beats around the bush in a passive aggressive manner whenever something irritates him. I want to scream at him to just deal with his shit! At times, his demeanor and energy is so unappealing that I would rather be anywhere, but near him. He takes on this ugly, broody, dark aura when he gets stressed out or when something irritates or upsets him. As an empath, I tend to feel other people’s energy a bit too strong and am working on not allowing it to affect me. It’s continued practice, but I’m not there yet.
As irritated as his complaining makes me, I can’t help but see myself in it. How many times have I complained about being unhappy in my job and yet I stay? Although, I’m in the process of shifting, I fear I haven’t figured out an exit strategy. Everything I read about being a yoga teacher talks about how non-lucrative and overly saturated the market is. However, I keep seeking the inner voice that fell in love with the idea to begin with and keep working to remember why I wanted to do it in the first place. Maybe, it’s the fears of graduation looming in May and the fact that one of the teachers who is leading the YTT I am participating in basically said they weren’t looking for new/inexperienced teachers at this time, which was fairly disappointing that has me feeling somewhat frustrated. I reached out to a community center I my city to inquire about how I would go about leading a class there, but have not yet received a response.
I read inspirational books frequently and while I am reading them, I feel like anything is possible and then as I step away and reflect on my life in comparison, I question whether it’s possible for me. Its as though I need the readings to keep me high because without them I plummet into the pit of negative thinking where I don’t want to be. It’s refreshing to hear about other people’s spiritual journey’s, especially those who keep it real like Shonda. Hearing her talk about her pantry closet made me think about my own comfort zone and introversion and what parts of life I am missing out on. I don’t have a million invites to do amazingly awesome things coming my way like she does, so even if I decided to say “Yes” for a year, I don’t think I’d see my life drastically change. However, I appreciated the whole premise of the book.
My first yoga teacher, Alyssa, always used to say, “What are you a “yes” for? What are you a “no” for?” I remember hanging in ragdoll and she would use wording like this. I’m still in the process of figuring out the answer to these questions, but I know I’ve turned some yes’s to no’s over my lifetime. I’m a no for alcohol. I’m a no for smoking. I’m a no for sleeping around. I’m a yes for church. I’m a yes for family. I’m a yes for sleep. I’m a yes for exercise and healthy food. I’m a yes for writing and reading. I’m learning to make choices that honor me instead of harming me, but sometimes I feel as though I haven’t come far enough. It feels as though I’m waiting for my life to take off, which is interesting because I know from all of my reading that… THIS IS IT!
My life is being lived here and now and I don’t want to make the fatal mistake of waiting for some big moment to arrive, but rather I want to treat every moment as a big and important moment. If my daughter is acting goofy on the couch, I want to treat it as though it’s an Oscar winning performance. If my cat comes to snuggle, I want to treasure and feel the love in that moment. Why is it so hard for most of us to seize the moment? Why are we so fixated on “not enough”, “more”, “becoming” instead of just enjoying where we are now. We live in a world where we see so much polarity… that leaves so much room for comparison that it’s hard not to think about other experiences and what they may feel like. I don’t just do this when I see those that live lives that seem more exciting or glamorous than mine, but also when I see things like poverty. I tend to think about what that might be like… how they ended up where they are. I imagine their reality.
The 10 commandments advise against comparison or wanting what others have in any capacity and coming from that frame of thought I see this habit of looking at other’s lives to be detrimental to my wellbeing, but in reading Shonda’s book, I see that she used this gift of imagination to become a television writer. She used her imaginings to fuel her writing, which ultimately is the gift that she shares with the world. In one part of her book she talks about how Christina Yang was her idol in a sense that she created her character to be a badass, unstoppable, feminist, and powerful woman because that is secretly what she wanted for herself at a time when she was still living “in the pantry” aka hiding her true self away from the world. I suppose the “bad” habit of comparison could actually be channeled for good as with many behaviors or traits in life. It’s all in how you choose to use it.
It strikes me that earlier, I didn’t take the moment my partner presented me as an opportunity to draw nearer, but instead pulled away because I couldn’t bare to see the image of myself in his complaints. When solutions are so readily available, but one chooses to stay stagnant and not take the action as a result of fear, it’s ugly. It’s vomit-worthy ugly. In reading Year of Yes, I found it interesting that everyone she was surrounded by could clearly see how ugly she was being to herself, but she could not. It makes me wonder what those around me see or have seen. Are they seeing my glow now or am I still buried by self loathing, self hatred, and fear but can’t see it? Like, I see my partner’s inability to have the frank discussion that needs to happen with his dad, but I don’t know that he does. I see the little boy that is still “afraid” of disappointing his dad, but I don’t think he does. I see the boy that needs to take the reins of his business and steer it in a direction higher than where he’s able to go with dead weight on his back. I see the boy that wants to step out, but at the same time holds back because to really step up and have his dad step back would mean that… should things fail or fall apart, he has no excuse anymore because it would all be at the result of his decisions and leadership. I smell the fear and I see it clearly because I know it in myself.
Many spiritual teachers say that the world is but a reflection of what we hold within ourselves. To see anger in someone else, means that you have it in yourself. To see hatred in someone else means that you know it within yourself. In this case, I see his fear because I also have this fear of failure within me. As I near graduation in yoga teacher training, I feel my mind already questioning whether I made the “right” decision in spending money on the training. I feel my mind doubting whether it was a “good investment.” I hear myself questioning whether anyone will really want to listen to me or take in what I have to offer. The demons of doubt and fear are attempting to make their home within me to which I have to say, “No” and consciously invite in the angels of belief, faith, and possibility. I have to envision Gabby Bernstein’s start. I have to envision Oprah’s start. I have to envision Shonda in her pantry. I have to see the possibility of the greatness that could be instead of all of the “Why nots” that are attempting to crowd my space. The only “why not” I am a “yes” for is, “Why not me?” There is nothing that they have that I can’t attain or can’t grow within myself. If the world is a reflection of who I am, then surely those people who seemingly “have it all” also represent a part of me as well and those are the parts I wish to nurture.