So often in life we think we know exactly what we want, how things should go, where we want to be, how we’re going to get there, and who we must be to succeed. However, tonight as I was laying with my daughter, I realized that the best pieces of my life are pieces that I didn’t try to obtain or achieve, but the pieces that somehow just fell into place with no effort and even some resistance on my part. I was moved to tears at the sheer beauty of the experience of lying with her until she fell asleep, that just my presence allows her to feel safe, secure, and whole. As I was silently weeping happy tears beside her peaceful sleeping body, I became overwhelmed with gratitude partly because I have that effect on her, partly because I get to raise her and have this experience, and partly because I didn’t even think I wanted this life I now am so grateful to have.
I am so thankful that God knows better than I do. For years I swore up and down that I didn’t want kids… I thought I wanted to be an independent, high powered CEO of some conglomerate organization. I thought I wanted to spend my life jet setting and partying with new and exciting people. Looking back, I realize how little I knew myself then and I also see how little beauty my life would have had if things had gone “my way.” I now look at that path and I see the emptiness it holds, the lack of love and meaning. I look back and see my own ignorance and the world’s impact on me at that time… thwarting my mind to believe that money, success, and power were what was important.
I look back at the # of times I tried to push away my fiance throughout the years… a beautiful man who respects me and thinks higher of me than I often thought of myself throughout our relationship. Again, when I look back, I am so grateful that something in him allowed him to stick it out and see the true me underneath all of the fear, bitterness, sadness, and anger. I’ve been given the opportunity to see God in action through him. I’ve been given the experience of pure Godly love… the kind that accepts you and still loves you in spite of your worst moments. When I look at our relationship, I see God caring for me every step of the way.
When I think of all of the ridiculous things I’ve done throughout my life… driving drunk, driving while playing with cell phones, driving to meet random men off of the internet (in my teen years), meeting men on vacation and going to their condo with my friends (also in my teen years), sleeping around, and all of the other dark moments… all I see now is light. I see God allowing me to walk away without a scratch from the accidents that were my fault because I wasn’t paying attention while driving or I was being utterly reckless. I see him protecting me from myself and not allowing me to hurt anyone in these same accidents. I see him keeping me safe in each moment where I put myself in precarious situations with people I barely knew. As an adult I see how little I loved myself and how much God has always loved me and I am so moved when I put it into words. As I sit here now, I cry… I cry for the revelation that while I was failing to honor myself or Him, he’s always honored me, protected me, and even rewarded me.
These revelations make it easy to trust in life, to trust in God. When I sit and ponder how my life has turned out so far, I see God in all of it. I see him in the night that he introduced me to my fiancé’ at the one place I said I would never date anyone (a bar). I see him saving my life in the nurse that finally called the on-call doctor because I wouldn’t stop bleeding practically 12 hours after I had my daughter. I see Him in the on call doctor that saved my life that night. I see Him in the chances I’ve been given to make my relationship work and to know what it really means to love someone through my daughter and my relationship with Derek. I see Him in moments like now, when I am so overwhelmed with gratitude, joy and love… Even in moments where I see my own unworthiness, I can now see that despite how I feel… or what I do… He’s there… loving me, healing me, guiding me, protecting me, saving me, gracing me with gifts I didn’t know enough to ask for, but am beyond blessed and overjoyed to have.
I see that I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on myself to “figure it all out” and now sitting here tonight, I’m finally seeing that I don’t have to figure anything out. In fact, it was all the times where I was rowing upstream, fighting the blessings, that I gained the most. I’m not saying that I am going to act like the careless jerk that I once was, but rather making the point that, even then, when I was not the best individual a.k.a. making bad choices as a “sinner”, God was so good to me. Then, when I didn’t even bother to say, “Thank you!” or even “Hi” every so often… when I didn’t really give Him a second thought except to use his name in vein every so often in anger. How foolish and sorry I feel these days since we’ve grown so much closer. Knowing His love and my renewed love for Him, the least I can do is stop putting so much pressure on myself and trust that he knows best and whatever is in store will certainly turn out to be for my good. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for my beautiful life! I love you! Amen!
What blessings were you given when you probably didn’t deserve them? Looking back on your life, can you see moments that unfolded for your good despite yourself? What can you be grateful for now? Share in the comments or send me a personal message.