Recently, I came across a flyer at my yoga studio for a retreat to Rishikesh, India and it has really been on my brain since. I’ve been pondering whether I want to sign up and put a deposit down and have noticed the resistance that has come up for me around this. It’s become quite apparent that I block myself from blessings that could bring me joy. I’m so fortunate to have a supportive partner in life who generally responds to things that I want to do with, “So do it.” Still, I struggle to take the chains off of myself and allow myself to invest in things that I might enjoy without loading barrels of guilt onto myself. It’s absolute insanity.
The interesting thing is I see myself doing this to myself and then it upsets me that I’m doing this to myself. Rather than keeping it simple and saying, “Hey, I want to go to India for a yoga retreat.” I find myself saying things like, “I kind of want to go,” which means I’m not fully owning my desires and not fully committing to them. It is interesting when you decide you want to fully love yourself how many things you find that shed light on the fact that you still aren’t embracing yourself and your desires fully.
Rather than building up excitement around how amazing this trip could be in terms of my growth, I find myself making excuses. I’m thinking things like, “We cancelled Disney this year because it was setting up to be an expensive year with home renovations,” “I’m so selfish if I take this trip,” “What if I get raped or abducted and killed while I’m there,” “Is it safe?”, “How will my daughter do with me being away for 10 days?” “What kind of a mom does it make me that I want to leave her for 10 days?” “What will people think if I leave my family for 10 days to take a solo trip instead of a family vacation? I realize that I am setting up the scenario in my head to be “damned if I do” and “damned if I don’t.” If I go, I beat myself up in the process with all of these negative/self-defeating thoughts. If I don’t go, I feel like I’m missing out and depriving myself of experience.
It’s like the potential of this trip is bringing out major questions for me. “Am I worth it?” “Am I able?” “Am I choosing my path or taking a back seat in my life?” “What do I feel it means to be a ‘good’ parent? When I picked up the flyer, I didn’t realize this was going to lead me into this introspective place. I picked up the flyer and my initial thought was, “Ooooh this looks awesome!” Seeing all of this resistance makes me want to take this trip more in some ways because I feel like I have to break down the walls that I have kept myself “safe” with for so long. Seeing the resistance for me almost means that I need to break it down and that this is my next universal assignment. One that asks me if I’m going to keep riding passenger in my life pushing things off or own what I want… and make it happen.
Oddly enough as I relocated myself into my house from the outside as I was writing this, I glanced at the clock and was met with 3:33. For those of you who believe in divine signs, this may be one signifying that I am on the right track with my current train of thought at this time. This may in fact be a divine assignment that will lead me to the next level in my spiritual growth. Who am I to refuse or to not thoroughly consider and wait for divine guidance to confirm whether I should go? Tomorrow is the informational session at the yoga studio I attend. I’m going to go and find out more. As of right now, I just have an idea with no detail other than the flyer I saw and a head full of back and forth. It can’t hurt to learn more and go from there. If $3,000 comes falling into my lap randomly, I’ll know it definitely means I absolutely 100% have to go. What are the odds?
Is there anything that you really want to do, but are making excuses not to? Is mommy-guilt just a normal, healthy thing that we all have to settle in with? If you are a mom and have taken a solo trip or travel frequently for work, I’d love to hear from you.