It’s easy to stay peaceful and calm when life is going smoothly, but the challenge is to maintain positivity when life starts to pick up the pace. When we have multiple things screaming for our attention and we start getting pulled in all directions is when we need to remember that we have trained for this. I know those of us who practice yoga, meditate, or partake in other spiritual exercises can relate. I’m being thrown off center right now and struggling to find my peace, my center. My yoga instructor relates this to moving into vata dosha also known as the season of wind where things in your life start getting blown around. She stressed that grounding is especially important this time of year.
Lately, I’ve been feeling like there are so many things I want to do and I’m struggling to make progress on any of them. Then when I don’t make progress, I’m incredibly frustrated with myself and beat myself up about it. It seems that even though I’m resolved to love myself, I keep heaping pounds of negativity upon this little self of mine. It’s an old habit that is dying hard and every time I find myself pummeling myself, I’m more frustrated. It’s like there are several “Me’s” hanging out in this universe which is me and getting them to all get along with one another is a challenge. The dreamer me and the realist me are constantly at odds with one another.
The dreamer “me” always wants to quit her day job immediately and do what brings her joy. She’s somewhat flighty and tends to have a million ideas and a million possibilities. She believes that God will provide for her and feels fearless when it comes to leaving behind things that don’t feel good. She is often angry at the realist “me” who, along with the rest of the world, counters her wild dreams with the polar opposite realism by asking questions like, “So if you quit your job, where is the money coming from? Have you figured that out yet? You can’t just do whatever you want in life, unless you want to end up like your father. Life is sacrifice and responsibility. You have to work for the lifestyle you live.” The dreamer always counters with the possibility of there being “work” that doesn’t feel like “work.” She keeps insisting she just hasn’t found it yet.
Then there is the sexual freak “me” and the conservative “me.” These two have been at odds many times in my life. The freak “me” insists that there is no harm in expressing attraction with more than one person. She has the “free love” philosophy and believes that what feels good can’t be wrong. The conservative “me” wants relationships and security. She often gives looks of disgust to the polyamorous “me” who is open to possibility, excitement, and thrill seeking. She warns of consequences to sleeping around and stresses faithfulness. She is resolved to stay on the “right” side of things and maintain monogamy with her partner.
There is the party girl “me” and the healthy “me.” The party girl “me” wants to drink with friends on a rough day or in times of celebration. She wants to smoke a little pot and enjoy the high that comes without a care in the world. The healthy “me” wants true joy where alcohol and drugs aren’t needed to feel like life is a party. She wants to care for her body, eat healthful foods, and avoid unhealthy substances. The party girl sometimes mocks the healthy one, “You’re no fun anymore. When’s the last time you went out? You have no friends now because all you do is sit home, read and do yoga. You’re soooo old!” The healthy one always has a rebuttal, “I’m doing a lot better since I cut out the alcohol. My goals don’t include those things anymore. If I want to draw nearer to God, then I have to take care of His creation.”
There is the ambitious me and the me who says what’s the point… just enjoy life. These 2 argue with one another quite often… the ambitious one is kind of mean and often chastises the more relaxed “me” for not being further along making millions by now. The ambitious one always puts too much on her plate and then starts getting overwhelmed and frustrated. She bites off more than she can chew and then vomits all over the place when she can’t get it all done. The relaxed me is all about the moment and doing when it is inspired by joy or meaning. She does not like “doing” for the sake of “doing” or for the sake of “money” alone. It infuriates her that ambitious “me” won’t get out of the way and just let her do what she loves when, where and how she wants to do it.
There is the lazy me who wants to hit the snooze button and sleep in and do nothing all day, then there is the busy me who wants to get up and start the day. The busy me chastises the lazy me when I want to stay in bed and catch up on sleep. She is full of comments like, “you should get up and do the dishes, cook breakfast, get dressed, be a productive member of society, etc., etc.” The lazy one is content with enjoying the coziness of her bed in the morning and finds that rest is good for the soul. She wants to get up when she is good and ready and hates the fact that the world operates with time and alarm clocks. She hates the idea of being chained to commitments that force her to be places at certain times.
Yoga means “yoke,” the process of bringing all of our many selves into union with one another so that we can embody divine love… unconditionally accepting and loving all of our many faces, embracing ourselves and others exactly as they are, exactly as God created it to be. The deeper I go into myself, the more I see the many faces of me and how they interact and war against one another at times. I’m learning to be ok with each of them, to see the good in each of them, allowing each of them to have their time to shine and loving them enough to allow them each some form of expression (within reason).
Can you relate? How are your many faces getting along these days? Which sides to you embrace? Which sides do you try to lock away and ignore?