If you read any of my recent posts, you’ll see that I’ve been working through pride. I took today off in order to use the remaining time I have on the books so that I don’t lose it at year end. You’ve got to love those “use it or lose it” policies. Anyhow, after a rocky morning with my daughter, I returned to the house and remembered that I failed to put my “out of office” on my work email. I pulled out the work laptop and of course as I opened my email, I saw a lovely red exclamation on one of the emails from this morning. It was a client complaining that I didn’t give them ample notice about being off today when my boss just approved the request yesterday. She also was complaining about the fact that I sent reports that were due today a day early. I felt my chest getting tight and the annoyance rising in me. I then responded to my boss about the situation explaining that I sent her the reports early so people wouldn’t need to step in and do them in my absence and that if she needs a more current report then we can run her a catch-up report next week when I’m in. Not that serious, but in the benefits/insurance industry at end of year everything seems to be a “big deal.”
After responding, I felt myself being bothered by this and carrying it around with me as I was getting ready to leave the house to go to yoga. I realized my urge to start “proving myself” coming out in full measure. Since I’ve been directed to look more closely at pride and what exactly it is and how I exude it, I am more aware of these situations that I would have felt so justified in before. It was so strong to the extent that I was tempted to stay on the computer, on my day off, and start responding to the client and rerunning reports just to “shut them up and make them happy.” The desire to prove something was so strong it was almost overwhelming. The insecurity of being judged as “not doing my job well” was brewing and rearing its ugly head. I was chattering away inside with rantings of things to the effect of, “No matter what I try to do to make these people happy, it isn’t good enough.” “What the hell, can I just have one day off without someone trying to make me feel guilty?” “Why is it that shit falls apart the minute I step away?” It was glaringly obvious that I was doing it again and I had to consciously keep telling myself to “let it go and enjoy my day off.“
I got to yoga and my favorite instructor was leading class. She told us the story of Ganesh and informed us that the intention of the mudras that we would be focusing on today would be “letting go.” Coincidental? I think not. She stated that Ganesh is known for removing obstacles on our path. We were to hold in mind something that we wished to let go of throughout our practice. I was given the perfect intention this week and it was highlighted for me again this morning. As I practiced, I visualized myself giving away the need to please and prove I deserve away into the universe. I honored the fact that I do not need to perform like a puppet for praise and that I am solid in my place with God. I’ve given this need away as I do not want to hold on to the insecurity of feeling like I need approval or praise to be whole. I want to step into the wholeness that I was created with, the truth that the air I breathe proves I am enough. The childlike desire to be seen can clear the way now for the woman who knows her power, knows her worth, honors her body and embraces herself with love, compassion, and joy.
It’s time I embrace the fact that I may not be for everybody. There will be some who love me, some who do not. There will be some jobs I am fabulous at and some I will not. There will be some energies that flow well with mine and others that do not. All I can do is be good at being me and show up with love along the way. I can show up in a way that honors others without judgment regardless of what they feel or believe about me. I can choose wholeness over lack. I can choose to see and think differently about myself so that I am not operating from a defensive position giving my power away to circumstances, people, or situations. That is exactly what I am working on this year and for the rest of my life. I’m allowing God to transform me into a new person by changing the way that I think so that I may know God’s will for me, which is good, and pleasing, and perfect. (Romans 12:2)
I’m learning to live with intention and today, the intention has been set to let go of the pride which no longer serves me in my life. I’m clearing out the old so that I may be filled with the new. My work is to cultivate new ways of thinking that lift myself and others up so that the world becomes a more beautiful place filled with happier and more fulfilled people living in ways that honor themselves and others. As I unpack lessons in my everyday life, I desire to share them with you so that, maybe, you can glimpse a bit of yourself in the stories I share, learn, and take what you need from them. My desire is that you will comment, share, learn, grow and that this becomes a community of people who are simply striving to become better than we were the day before by keeping our eyes higher than our current situation or circumstance. Namaste!
What are you setting the intention to let go of today? How has it served you in the past? Why is it no longer working for you?