Lately, I’ve been feeling rather uninspired and it may very well be because I haven’t been working toward progress when it comes to this project (ironically entitled Work4Progress) for a bit and it’s leaving me rather discouraged. I had set a date for releasing this project and on the eve of the scheduled release date, I don’t feel ready having not copywritten my material yet. I realize part of the reason I’m feeling miserable is because I’ve let myself down and then, having let myself down, I’m kicking my own ass as a result. The demon in me is coming to beat me down and make me feel miserable for not following through with what I had set my mind to.
I had played with the idea of delaying the release because I haven’t really dedicated a lot of energy toward marketing and want the launch to go well. I’m realizing that the main reason I started this project is the love of self-expression through words on a page and their ability to heal, provide comfort, transform, and send love from afar, but the marketing and all of the other “business” stuff is something I keep putting off. I remember when I was a kid, I would often dream of growing up to become an adult in order to “do whatever I wanted without anyone being able to tell me what to do.” I’ve always disliked authority and control, which is probably the reason why I’ve never loved any job I’ve held. I’m someone who thrives on autonomy and enjoys solitude, peace, quiet, and making sense of the world, both interior and exterior.
Delaying the release, I also feel like I’m delaying my own freedom and prolonging the days of my 9-5, which severely pains me. Not to say that I could release this project and end up with crickets and no income, which is likely in the first few years, especially if I’m not a marketing, social guru. This makes me question my “why” and whether I’m losing sight of it. I felt so close to God and on mission when I started this project. I had a wave of excitement and enthusiasm… the feeling in my gut that felt like it was so right. It hurt to have to go to my day job instead of setting the wheels in motion on this project. Lately, I feel I’ve somehow drifted into the wilderness and while I still feel the mission, I’m not feeling as inspired (in spirit).
It’s sometimes hard to write when the inspiration isn’t steadily flowing. As a writer, I want my work to be meaningful and I want it to deliver love so writing when I am not “feeling the love” is a challenge. However, I realize if I wait for all the stars to align, I may miss the opportunity to align my life to that of writing, freedom, and serving others through my own experience. Isn’t that where self-discipline comes in? A lot of religions speak about the practice of self-discipline, which sometimes gets misinterpreted as self-deprivation. Self-discipline is the will to get up and go, when your feelings say, “stay in bed.” Self-discipline says, “stick to it and stop feeling sorry for yourself,” when your feelings aren’t cooperating and aligning with what it is that you want to accomplish. Self discipline allows you to do the right thing when your feelings may lead you in the opposite direction.
My pastor often speaks of agreeing with the word of God, especially when our feelings are attempting to lead us astray. Psychology speaks of listening to and honoring your feelings because they have lessons within. Again, I feel it’s about balance. I think our feelings tell us whether we are getting hot or cold on our God-given mission in this world. My mother would use these words during our annual Easter egg hunts when I was a kid. She would hide the eggs in the house and tell me whether I was “hot” aka close to finding one or “cold”, moving away from where one was hidden. I believe that our negative feelings indicate when we are “off track” somewhere in our lives, which is why it deeply concerns me when I start feeling uninspired and in a “funk.” It makes me feel as though I’ve taken a wrong turn or am not clearly hearing the call of spirit toward the highest life that is mine to claim.
I will say, though, that this belief causes my lows to dip a bit lower than your average bear. When I start feeling low, I begin a little bit of a panic inside because I don’t want to miss it. I deeply want to accomplish the reason or reasons I came here and to miss it is not something that I want to entertain. When I fall off the wagon of self-discipline and stop pushing forward toward what I think is my mission, it literally pains me emotionally. My energy begins to drain, I feel sluggish, tired, cranky, irritable, forlorn, and lost. That’s where I’m sitting in terms of emotional space as I’m writing this.
As much as I strive to be a positive person who creates joy in my life, there are simply some moments when it’s a battle for me to get into that space. I know that space is possible because I’ve lived there for periods of my life and so when I start dipping, I’m very aware of it and start combing through solutions. What is it that I need to do to get myself back on track? How can I start feeling better? What is it that I stopped doing that I was doing when I was in that bliss bubble? I’m not good at just sitting with the misery and waiting for it to pass. I want to be able to move it along and have it pass more quickly.
Sometimes, maybe, impatience is a good thing. When lost, the impatient person will notice it a lot sooner because they want to get to their destination without haste. Because of this, they don’t usually venture too far off track before stopping to ask for directions (in the days prior to GPS) or turn on their GPS to reroute them back on the path of their destination (present day). My impatience, while it causes me to beat up on myself at times because I feel like I should be 20 steps ahead of where I am on most days, also serves me if I allow myself to see the silver lining within it. My impatience is the reason I’m writing this evening as I sit outside listening to the birds chirp with the warm breeze flowing over my skin as the sun begins to set. It’s the reason I’m not crying on a shower floor or wallowing under my covers on a day where I felt pretty down. It’s the reason I’ve decided to create space for myself to get back to what it is that lights me up and brings me joy.
Joy is not something that just happens. It is something we have to take some ownership of. We cannot sit around waiting patiently for things to change. I’m a firm believer that when we move, God moves. I forget who did the song, but “When I move, you move…. Just like that.” I feel that the universe often sits back making one big command, “Show me what you want.” When we start showing the universe what we want, the universe starts joining us to make it happen. Right now, I want to feel joy. I want to feel aligned and on purpose so I’m making the first move. I’m acting with intention and purposefully allowing myself to sit outside (my favorite place to be) among nature with my bare feet in the grass, the wind whispering in my ear, gently caressing my body with it’s soft embrace, as the birds sing me their beautiful melody. Nature has a way of making me feel so loved and usually doesn’t fail to bring peace to my soul and a smile to my face.
Sometimes, like today, it is allowing ourselves to experience that love rather than blocking it by wallowing in our own pit of self-hatred. It’s always an intentional choice and having written these words, I feel much better. Words on a page, my own or others, always have a way of knowing what to say to me on my darkest days. In some way, it’s how I talk to God and how He talks to me. While I was starting to feel distant, I see now that all I needed to do was make the space and set the intention to allow the love to flow through me. I pray that as you read this, you’ll find that all you really need is to do the same if you’re feeling out of alignment… be intentional and put yourself in a situation that sparks joy within you, whether it’s writing (like me), painting, drawing, listening to music, going to your favorite place, getting dressed up, doing your makeup, cooking, etc. Do it! You’ll be grateful you did!
Namaste!