Why is it that people long for confirmation that they are “normal”? I’ve had so many conversations with people throughout my life that contain the sentence “Is that weird?” or, “I thought I was the only one that did/thought/felt that.” You are not some special unicorn contrary to what you would like to believe. For anything that you are currently experiencing, there are many others who have experienced (or are experiencing) the same or similar experience, state of being, feeling, etc.
For instance, when I found my most recent therapist, I wanted someone who had lots of years of experience. I wanted years of experience and age because I wanted to feel secure in knowing that it likely wouldn’t be the first time someone had said something similar in a session with them. I wanted the assurance that I wouldn’t stump the therapist with anything that came out of my mouth. I chose someone who was many years older, almost grandmotherly, who had been a registered psychologist for over 30 years. Of course, her price tag reflects that, but many times you get what you pay for.
After doing a lot of inner work, I can confidently state that there is no such thing as “normal,” but there is a such thing as “healthy.” My thoughts were not healthy when I first started. I was buried in so much fear, which kept me immobilized from making decisions. My mind was running on 100, but not in a positive way. I had major anxiety where I would battle myself about every little thing. I was full of a million “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts.” I would see things 100 different ways and then never settle on the “right” way and therefore I wouldn’t act. I felt exhausted from self-induced stress. I feared how I was being perceived in social interactions. I feared “getting in trouble” with clients. I feared disappointing people or dealing with conflict to the point where I would dread client conference calls. Even though I’ve always received compliments concerning how I articulated my thoughts and other things I did well, my mind refused to believe them. I constantly felt guilty, even in situations where I wasn’t. Looking back, guilt from some areas of my life spilled over into other areas where I wasn’t guilty. I was constantly trying to prove my worth by being smarter, faster, stronger, etc. because I didn’t feel that I was enough unless I was excelling and better than someone else. My mind was my worst enemy at that point. I wish the earlier sessions had been recorded because if I were to listen to the way I spoke then and compare it to how I think and speak now, I think it may be like listening to another person.
The way I was perceiving the situations and experiences in my life at that time were not healthy and at that time I did not even realize it. I thought I was “normal” because I couldn’t remember or identify with any other way of being. The light I thought I had was actually darkness and looking back it was so deep that I was drowning in it. My friends and family didn’t point any of this out to me, probably because I wasn’t forthcoming in my struggles or maybe because I was aligned with people who also thought this was normal. Again, I thought my mind was normal and healthy and therefore never really opened up about anything to anyone. This was a huge part of the problem. I was so numb to my emotions that I couldn’t even recognize that anything was wrong. I felt one emotion and it was anger. Anger was prevalent and reared its ugly head… often. I felt so justified in my temper tantrums because I believed, (in my old words) “If people didn’t do stupid shit all the time, I wouldn’t get angry.” I pushed away those who loved me because I had major trust issues. I was stuck in blaming other people for my emotional outbursts. My ego was large and in charge.
I am telling this story and letting you into the less flattering pre-JC me because maybe someone out there can relate. If you can, I pray my sharing jogs you into seeing that there is a better way. If you’re wondering what pre-JC means, it has double meaning in my life “pre-Jesus Christ” as well as “pre-Jacqueline Collet” as my fiancé often jokes about my life being split in two: One “me” before I realized there was a major problem and one “me” after my huge revelation and experiencing my saving grace.
Looking back, I knew there was something wrong, but I wasn’t ready to face it. I knew that I had anger issues, but I just thought that some people were just created to be more hotheaded than others. I thought some people were naturally more even-keel and chill and others were just more prone to fly off the handle and that this was innate and unchangeable. If someone called me out on my anger, I would become volatile or completely shut down and act like they were crazy. It was my way of defending myself because someone was getting too close to poking the wound. What I failed to realize then, but can clearly see now, was that the anger was a huge warning signal that something was broken and hurting on the inside. The anger was my battered inner child screaming to be heard, to be nurtured, to be healed. I did a horrible job caring for her for many years believing that emotions were for “weak” people. It’s funny, that I now know the truth and it’s exactly the opposite. The strong people face themselves and heal. The weak continue on the path of destruction… their own and others.
When we choose not to face what has hurt us throughout our lives and allow the emotions be seen, heard, and released… we end up with a royally pissed off inner child who feels insecure, neglected, and unsafe. This leads us to act out in less than ideal ways toward others. This is what prevents us from having the healthy relationships we so desire. This is what prevents us from experiencing the joy and love we all crave. We owe it to ourselves to feel good. We owe it to ourselves to clean out the sludge that resides in the deep recesses of our memories so that we can embrace ourselves, others, and our lives fully. Choosing to face our emotions and ourselves is an act of self-love. Choosing to forgive ourselves for acts we’re not proud of is an act of self-love. Choosing to forgive others for their offenses, which have hurt us is an act of self-love. Love is the only way to personal freedom and joy!
I urge you to start choosing love. When you do, you’ll start seeing the miracles add up in your life. It doesn’t happen overnight, but you will see positive situations abound. Situations will feel more joyful. You’ll spend a LOT more time in peace. People will start taking notice. Others will be inspired. Your relationships will grow deeper. New opportunities will present themselves. You’ll begin to flourish as you start becoming more inner directed rather than outer directed. It’s quite the journey, but I’ve seen the miracle moments add up in my life as I’ve pursued the goal of love in all areas of my life… to love myself, love others, love where I am, and love what I do. It sounds simple, but it is harder than simply looking at yourself in the mirror and saying “I love you” daily or listening to motivational speakers on Instagram/Facebook/etc. It’s a consistent effort to choose love in all of your actions on a daily basis.
If you are ready to start sifting through your current state of being and start choosing love, I’d love to help you along on your journey