I’m struggling with the individuals I work with. The culture that I work in, I have deemed to be unhealthy for my well-being. If there is anything that ruffles my feathers, it is condescension. I shouldn’t announce this, but condescension triggers my ego the way that nothing else can. I’m aware of it and therefore practice finding my center when my delicate and fragile ego is poked in this way, but it tends to sit with me for awhile until I can fully release it, forgive it, and let it go. Part of this is because I take pride in my knowledge and have always worked hard to fully understand the full spectrum of whatever it is I am undertaking. I’m usually the person in the room who ask a lot of questions and wants to investigate the why behind the processes. I know that in the wrong environment this can be seen as a huge irritation, which is where I currently find myself in a way I have never before experienced.
Today, my ego was majorly poked. Not only was I condescended, but the people I work with feel the need to run to my boss over every interaction where I ask questions. It’s been really grating on my nerves for awhile now and after having several direct discussions with my boss about the situation, nothing has been done. At this point, I’ve realized that I need to change and I need to change as abruptly as possible. To put it bluntly, this may be the first position that I resign from without having another lined up because I honestly feel so done. It is an energy drain working with certain energies day in and day out and despite my efforts to exude kindness, show up with a smile and speak directly with individuals about where I am coming from in a mindful manner, nothing has changed. I’m learning that loving myself fully means not submitting myself to a toxic environment day in and day out.
I’ve been feeling the need to take a leap of faith for some time now, but the sensible part of me has been hanging on and my sensible fiance’ has attempted to make me see the logic in staying there full time until I have my footing on this blog you are now reading. However, I’ve been feeling as though I need to commit fully to this undertaking and do not want energy being wasted on something that I don’t see as worthwhile when I have something that my heart is fully invested in. I keep hesitating… and waiting… and staying… and hoping things will get better where I am, but in all honesty I’ve never been fulfilled in my work. I’ve been in the same industry for about 15 years and have vented about the same frustrations throughout this period for as long as I can remember, except in prior places, I’ve at least enjoyed the individuals I worked with, which made the situation more bearable.
So, after feeling majorly irritated today, I took the time to recenter with writing and spa yoga. In spa yoga, they often read a verse from a spiritual book at the closing of class once shavasana is complete. Today, the instructor read the below passage by Mark Nepo’s Book of Awakening.
To Hold Nothing Back
To hold nothing back
in every breath
is a spiritual practice
For forty-nine years I have found that hesitation, more than anything, has been the invisible hitch that has kept me from joy. I’ve found that the moment with all its meaning often moves on by the time I’ve reconsidered whether or not to enter it. I am not saying we should always be impulsive. More to the point, I have discovered, again and again, that I usually know what I need to do but just deny it, and it is this that makes life feel neutral or out of reach.
To hold nothing back in every breath means staying committed to letting whatever we experience make its way in and letting whatever is in make its way out. Holding nothing back means holding the intention to be an open vessel, in a daily way.
Simply and profoundly, our very breath can serve as a reminder that life is only possible if the exchange of inner and outer is undisturbed. Letting things in, feeling their impact, and, in turn, letting things out, expressing clearly what we feel, is a spiritual practice that rinses the mind and heart.
This passage almost brought me to tears because I am in this place of knowing what I need to do, but denying to myself that it is safe to just jump off of this ship without having a back-up plan, or, put more bluntly, another way of making money immediately. I look at other positions with other companies and none of them feel right. I’m becoming convinced that this is because I already know in my heart of hearts what I am supposed to do… and it is not another job working as a drone in something that doesn’t light my soul on fire. It is this! This is my work of heart!
As we leave spa yoga, the instructor also offers us each a small paper with a small part of the passage she read in class as a reminder we can take with us along with a piece of Dove dark chocolate. If you’ve had these little Dove miniatures, you’re familiar with the quotes on the inside of the foil wrapper. Mine said, “When life isn’t going right, go left.” I laughed out loud in my car because it was just too perfect. It was just too beautiful. When we pray, God answers… often in ways that many don’t recognize unless they are paying attention. I believe I received my confirmation from the universe that I need to turn because this piece of my life surely does not seem to be going right. Time to go left!
Where have you been hesitating in your life? Do you think Mark Nepo is right when he says that hesitation is keeping you from your joy? Have you tuned in to the universe? What confirmation have you received that you should “stop hesitating”? Why are you hesitating?
Please share your thoughts in the comments section or shoot me a message if you feel it is too personal for the comments section. I’d love to hear from you.