It’s interesting how judgment can lead to such insidious behavior in people. Recently, I’d had an experience where I was severely misjudged. An extremely off base attack was made on my parenting, which could have resulted in a violent situation if I were a different person than I am today. I am so grateful for the inner work I’ve done with God’s leading over the past years because it is this work that helped me to keep my cool in this situation. It is proof that yoga, prayer, and church are working miracles in my life. I’m grateful for this latest test because it highlighted for me how far I’ve come.
My daughter attends an after school program so that my fiancé and I can work full-time. She loves the program since it gives her time to socialize and play with other kids her age, which she doesn’t get much of at home considering she is an only child. I used to pick her up when my day ended, slightly after 5pm, but each time I found myself sitting around until closer to 6pm when the program ended and almost all of the kids had gone home since she wanted to play longer. As a parent, I enjoy watching her shine and interact with other kids since I don’t get to see her socializing with her peers that often as a working mom. It brings me joy to see her enjoying herself. Usually, I say “yes” when she asks me to stay a bit longer for these reasons. That, and I love the outdoors so sitting outside for awhile in the fresh air while she plays is quite enjoyable.
We live in New England, so shortly after the school year starts, the weather starts cooling down and the day start ends ending sooner. It was around 5:45pm when I’d arrived at her school on the day that this incident occurred. I’d showed up at her school and she was not happy that it was time to go. Immediately, I got a response full of attitude when I’d asked her to get her backpack and head to the car. She was on the swings playing and refused to get off of the swings. At this point, I could have let her have her way, but it was getting dark, most kids had gone home and the instructors of her program were already headed back into the building with the remaining kid or 2 that hadn’t yet been picked up. The program ends at 6pm. I insisted that she get off of the swing so that we could head home. I did this in a gentle manner and again was met with resistance.
As a parent, you know that you have to teach authority and respect. At this moment, I felt disrespected. I proceeded with, “I’m giving you 2 minutes to stop the swing at which point I am going to stop it for you.” My child being the strong-willed child that she is, of course proceeds to keep swinging. I walk over to the swing and stop it from the back. She’s 6 so she doesn’t swing extremely hard or high yet. Now she is mad that I’ve stopped the swing and proceeds to start screaming about not wanting to leave, while I am telling her we need to go because I need to start dinner and that we can’t always do what we want. This evolves into a crying fit as I’m now holding her hand and walking her to the car… already embarrassed in front of another family who was on the playground with their 2 kids.
When your child acts out in front of people, it’s hard not to feel shame. In that moment I felt ashamed for being defied in public. I felt embarrassed that my child didn’t know how to take “No” for an answer and was acting like a spoiled brat. I felt frustrated that something so simple was being made difficult. I felt the stares of the other parents on the playground yet I proceeded to stay calm while walking her by the hand off of the playground and getting her into the car. She sulked and carried on the whole way to the car. Then when we got into the car, she refused to put on her seat belt while screaming that she didn’t want to leave. I’d learned a trick from my fiancé where you start pulling out of the spot to let her know you mean business. After asking her several times to put her seat belt on I then used the trick. As I backed out of the spot, she frantically started yelling, “Mommy don’t leave.” as she wrestled with her seat belt to get it on.
I slowly rolled the car to the entry of the side street her school is on while the screaming ensued. I looked in the rearview and saw she was buckled, then pulled out to head home with my screaming child in tow. We live about 2 minutes from the school so the temper tantrum had not wound down by the time we got home and parked in the driveway. At this point, my kid is still yelling, “Mommy don’t leave!” from the back seat to which I’d already responded, “We are not staying at the playground. We have already left. It’s time to go in the house now.” She just kept repeating the same thing over and over again while screaming and yelling. At this point, I go around the side of the car that her seat is in and unbuckle the bottom buckle since she can’t do that herself and ask her to hop out of the car. She proceeds to yell, “No!” then keeps yelling, “Mommy don’t leave!”
I’m internally frustrated at this point, but focusing on my breath and keeping my cool so I don’t start losing it. I put the stuff (her backpack, my purse, coat, etc) in the entry way, which is visible from the driveway while she is still screaming and making a scene still in my car with the door wide open so that she can get out. I come back outside, go over to the car and ask her to get out and head into the house several more times and she refuses to get out of the car still crying and screaming. Being 6 going on 7 in a few months, I realize this is a battle of the wills and I’m confirmed to stand firm on what I’ve asked of her. I sat on the porch by the driveway and said, “Ok I guess I’ll sit here until you decide to make a good choice, calm down, and go into the house.”
So I’m sitting there waiting for this to play itself out and all of the sudden I hear the neighbor down the street (out of sight from my driveway) saying, “This kids in the car and this is child abuse.” I respond, again calmly, “I’m outside on the porch. I am right here. My child is having a tantrum and there is absolutely no ‘abuse’ happening.” At this point, I’m thinking that this guy didn’t realize I was outside as he was talking, which might be reasonable given where his house is located. I’m thinking that telling him I am outside should be enough to let him know that my child hasn’t been left outside unattended. However, to my surprise, he proceeds to say he is calling the police to which I respond, “Go ahead and call the police because I know with 100% certainty that my child is not a victim of child abuse. I have nothing to hide and quite frankly this is none of your concern.” So this guy proceeds to get off his porch and head in my direction. I grab my child from the backseat of my car and I’m now holding her because I feel there is a confrontation about to occur.
Sure enough, he walks over to the perimeter of my property and proceeds to start cursing me out screaming in my face about how letting my child cry for over 10 minutes is neglect and how I should be ashamed of myself along with other F-bombs and expletives. At this point, my daughter is in shock at what is happening and quite frankly, so am I. I respond by telling him that I don’t have to take this from the someone who is a belligerent drunk and that he should mind his own business. My other neighbor comes out and diffuses the situation, basically telling the dude to go back to his house and stay out of it. Finally he does and then the police show up.
I explain to them that my daughter has emotional control challenges that we are seeing a therapist for and that she was having a tantrum because she didn’t want to leave the playground to come home. I explained that I was outside with her when this neighbor decided to start making assumptions that I was abusing my child because she was crying and carrying on for like 10-20 minutes outside. The officer was understanding and then proceeded to tell me that I shouldn’t have to worry about him bothering me any longer because he was moving the next day. That was the end of it.
To add some context, I’ve lived at my address for almost 10 years. I have had maybe one sentence exchanged with this guy the entire time I’ve lived here. The guy is always outside with a case of beers and reeks of alcohol when he speaks to my fiancé… basically being nosy about another property we bought up the street from us. He lives next door to his ex-wife and there have been several instances where we’ve seem him outside screaming at and causing a scene in the neighborhood. After this whole episode, I was stressed out. I could feel my adrenaline going at the audacity of the situation. I don’t do well with men yelling at me. It makes me very uncomfortable and makes me feel somewhat unsafe.
I found myself in a really drained place after this and found myself attaching to the frustration, anger, and drama of the situation. When my fiancé came home, things wound down, my daughter went to bed, and I went into our bedroom to meditate to re-center and pray. I prayed that God would show me how to see this situation with eyes of love because all I had in me at the moment was judgment, anger, and frustration. When we ask we receive. During meditation I was brought back to the truth that we all have triggers. All of us are wounded in some ways and it dawned on me that maybe my daughters prolonged crying and carrying on was a trigger for him. Maybe some experience in his life had left him feeling like a helpless neglected child or maybe he’d been through a situation involving a child who was neglected. I was also able to see that it was a positive thing to intervene if there were actual abuse happening. Although he severely misjudged the situation, I could now see him in a more positive light.
I took the opportunity after my meditation to write a note to release the situation. It read,
“Dear Neighbor,
I appreciate your genuine concern for my daughter’s wellbeing. I can assure you that she is not being abused in any way and I want to apologize for referring to you as a belligerent drunk in the heat of the moment. That is not who I am. That was reactive of me and an egoic response to being misjudged as an “abusive” parent. I am actually a God-fearing person who strives to live my life in according with spiritual law and in prayer I’ve been asked to forgive you for judging me harshly. I forgive you and wish you a safe trip as well as a blessed life. May God smile on you wherever your journey may take you.
Sincerely,
Jacqueline”
A shift in mindset is a miracle and when we ask God to assist us in seeing things with love, an answer usually comes fairly quickly. While, in the moment, this situation could be described as negative, I’m actually grateful for it because it allowed me to see how far I’ve come on my spiritual journey. It allowed me to see someone who I felt egoic animosity toward with love only an hour or 2 later. It allowed me to exercise forgiveness and release emotions that would have caused me to be a more negative person. I was able to see how much I’ve progressed in my ability to control my reactions to emotions. Had this been 5 years ago, I would have been yelling right back in his face and using expletive attack words to attempt to “win” the battle. It helped me to practice what I preach (the way of the peaceful warrior) and I believe we need practice to progress. I’m thankful for the practice and the opportunity to be tested so that I can gain strength and grow into
How have you been tested in your life? Were you happy with your reactions and how you conducted yourself?