Why do we have free will? Initially in my search for answers, I resented the idea of free will. I would make mistakes and beat myself up for being less perfect than I thought I “should” be. I would do things in the moment and regret them almost instantaneously. I would spew hatred in fits of anger and then be upset when the other person “couldn’t let it go.” I would respond with things like “It’s just who I am,” “I need to let it out so I feel better,” or “It’s not good to keep things in.” I often would wish that someone else would just give me all the answers, that someone else would control my actions. I wished that I were just made perfectly and wouldn’t make the mistakes I was making. I hated free will because I didn’t like the person that I was choosing to be. I now know it was a choice, though not one I consciously made at the time.
Fast forward about six months into reading the Bible and filling my life with nothing but spiritual books, music, and people, it’s hard to believe that I was that person. It feels like a lifetime ago although I know I still have a long way to go. That’s another story for another day, but today I want to share what I learned this morning in prayer about free will. Again, I contemplated free will, but this time with God in prayer and the outcome was radically different than resentment of it. I felt deep appreciation for it and saw the brilliant design of it.
As I’ve been digging deep into spiritual thought and research, I’ve noticed that there is a big emphasis on leaving behind all things that do not serve me. Things such as jealousy, envy, hatred, anger, retribution, and pretty much all negative thoughts and emotions. These don’t seem to have a place in the spiritual path. Those who succumb to these emotions end up with less desirable outcomes and that all makes perfect sense to me. However, I couldn’t get past the frustration of a perfect, all-knowing God, creating us with traits that we were supposed to just discard. It seemed unbelievable to me that these would all be built into our “package” when everything I’ve read states that we are created in God’s image.
I started wondering, if we are made in God’s image, then God must have duality. God must be both light and dark and I’ve realized in my journey that yes, he is, but even the dark he brings us is rooted in love. In order to know good, we must know what we perceive as “evil.” All knowledge seems to be relative to something else we already know. As an infant we start mapping things together and building associations. Knowing and understanding this helps me to understand the concept of free will a bit more, but I still wasn’t satisfied and was pondering this yet again.
I am somewhat of an impatient person. When I gain interest in something, I tend to go “all in” and want to know everything I can about it. I become somewhat obsessed in my search for knowledge. Again, today, I pursued the topic of free will and it hit me as clear as day that if I believe our purpose is to grow into our fullness through our relationship with God, our creator, then there must be “free will.” Think about it. How satisfying would a relationship be in human terms if people did not have “free will?” If I were to force you to be in any type of relationship with me it wouldn’t be a really satisfying experience for either one of us, would it?
Let me paint the picture… You’re at a coffee shop ordering your latte (yes, you’re fancy) when a stranger walks over to you and tells you, “We’re now in a relationship. You have to talk to me. You have to get to know me. You have to let me know all about you. We have to spend time together. You don’t have a choice.” I think you’d feel some type of way about this. I think your reaction would be one of, “This person is absolutely crazy. No thank you. How quickly can I run?” If this were the case, I believe in fact the result would be the exact opposite. You would not love me in the way that I wanted you to, but would instead fear me and resent me for taking you captive and imposing my will upon you.
I don’t know why it took me so long for the “Ah ha” moment to show up, but I’m glad it did. God doesn’t want us to come because we “have to.” God wants us to organically choose to know Him. God wants us to naturally move closer to Him at our own pace and expand our comfort zones on our own terms. God wants us to grow in love for Him. Although He is all powerful and all-knowing and could easily make us have perfect love for Him, it wouldn’t mean nearly as much if it were forced and not of our own free choosing. Obligation (lack of choice) breeds guilt and dependency, while choice fosters love and independence (Wayne Dyer: Your Erroneous Zones). While God could easily control us and force us to love Him back, he will never do that because God is love and love requires choice.
I’m starting to realize how obvious God’s design of the world is. I’m starting to see Him in everything and am learning that in all that is, He shows us the way to who we are in Him and who He is. Keep your eyes open, take it all in, and learn. All of life is a lesson and it’s truly a brilliant experience to see with new eyes and clarity for the first time. When the student is ready (and willing), the teacher will appear.