It’s interesting how much the mind and emotions fluctuate from day to day. I’ve been on this journey to improve myself with God for some time now. Some days I feel entirely optimistic as though God is working miracles within my soul. Other days, such as today, I feel somewhat uninspired. On my down days, I often think of Job. When my emotions start running wild and I start feeling low I envision Job and how faithful he was throughout all he endured. God is not only God in good times when you’re feeling good, but also in those moments where you’re feeling less stellar.
Today, my daughter was in a challenging mood when I got home. I got some news at work that they are moving me back into the implementation role with my old supervisor, which I’m not quite sure how to take. I have my period around the corner, which usually brings on a whirlwind of unreliable emotional expressions. My fiancé is concerned about a tremor he developed in his hand, which tempts me to worry. Today, I am struggling to be optimistic, but am trying nonetheless.
It’s amazing how much the Bible can inspire you, but also makes you look at your shortcomings and humble yourself with all the work that you still have to do. Some passages are comforting and make me feel great about who I am and where I am going. Other passages make me fear that I am missing the mark, especially those that have to do with complaining. Sometimes I feel as though I’m not hearing anything from God when I read. Other times, I am in awe of how much this book speaks to me, as though it is unlocking all of the secrets of life, right before my very eyes.
In times, like today, where I am struggling to maintain my happiness, I’ve learned that leaning into God through prayer and focusing on love are what matter. On days like today, it’s easy to forget all I’ve learned and get caught in the emotions of how I’m feeling, but then I must remember this is not who I am. I know who I am because God created me in His image. In studying the Bible and learning more about who God is, I realize that I am none of the things that my crazy feelings try to make me buy into at times. I’ve accepted that I am more like God than anything else.
I now realize that in the grand scheme of things I have every capability and every strength to defeat those things that try to overtake me. I have the power to overcome moments of depression that attempt to overtake and overwhelm. I have the choice to take a time out and turn to God for restoration in moments of anger, especially when my daughter is getting on my last nerve, so that I can deal with the situation in love and compassion rather than spirit crushing rage. The moments that tempt me to partake in things that are unhealthy cannot win against the health of God’s spirit within me. When I feel tempted to wallow in hopelessness or despair, I am learning to quickly remind myself to honor God with who I am. I now know that by allowing these things to “win,” I am dishonoring God and that is the last thing I desire to do in this life or thereafter.
I see more clearly now that when I allow negative emotions to gain control over me, I’m giving into an idea that is not God-inspired, which pulls me further from what God has for me. As someone who has fallen in love with God, I can’t claim to be in love and then do or feel things that are not part of His will. As I study Jesus, I see how he handled himself. Even when, many times in his life, he could have given into less favorable emotions he chose to lean into God. He chose to pray. He chose to set the example for us that we are not meant to fight our battles alone. He chose to believe in goodness, in miracles, in truth, in meaning, in relationships, and in life.
If I’ve learned anything from reading the Bible, it’s to honor God by honoring myself and partnering with Him to annihilate these “demons.” In doing this, I’ll then have more to give to the world and those around me. I want what God wants for me and don’t want a fate like many of the humans within (the Bible) that failed to partner with God and walked into their own demise. God’s been working to reveal more awareness in situations that, in the past, would’ve overtaken me, but now I’m starting to be able to throw on my armor and fight with God as my army.