I’m hinging on a decision right now. I feel that God is calling me to move into better alignment with what brings me joy… my writing, Bible study, reading, and yoga. I am writing and compiling a bunch of essays, but I don’t feel that it’s enough. I am doing yoga roughly 3-4 times per week. These things make me happy. Since I’ve discovered that my current line of work is not in line with what brings me joy, it feels almost unbearable to continue to show up. I feel like I’m selling myself short when I drive into the office knowing that the energy that I am spending there could be spent enjoying my time doing that which brings joy to my soul and can help others to lead more fulfilled lives. I feel as though it is intentionally wasting the gift of life I was given.
On good days, when I am empowered and feeling courageous, I notice I write from a place of knowing. There is a sureness that I will leave my job and follow my joy and it will all work out for good. On days like today, when I feel doubtful, unsure, and stupid for wanting to take a leap in the direction of my happiness. I feel as though I’m silly to think that leaving my job without a real solid plan is a good idea. I talk with my fiance about my desire to leave and he brings out all of the practical problems with my leaving without a plan… insurance, income, no solid business as of yet… and it makes me feel defeated. When he talks, I can’t help but recognize how stupid I sound for wanting to leave a good paying job without a solid plan in place. When he asks me questions that I don’t have answers to, it makes me feel like a hopeless fool quite frankly… a fool who is being incredibly impractical.
It isn’t like me at all to want to jump into the unknown, but I feel so good when I think about leaping out on faith for once in my life. This brings me to the question of how do you know when a leap of faith is taken in trust in God or plain stupidity. We hear the story about the woman who threw up her hands in the car with her kids and said “Jesus take the wheel” killing all of them and think she was an insane lunatic, but other times we hear stories of people that state things like, “Grace was leading the way when I left my newborn baby for a week and spent $4k I didn’t have. (This is how I was hired as a faculty trainer for CTI – a dream I had held for 10 years)” or “Grace was leading the way when I said yes to quitting my corporate job to move to Spain.” Do people just call it faith/grace when it works out well and call it stupidity or impulsiveness when it doesn’t?
The Bible has so many stories of people being led by God into amazing results without having what we would consider “a real plan.” It seems most within the Bible planned only what God told them to, Noah prepared the Arc for what God said was coming, but I wonder if he spent time drafting plans for the boat well before he started creating it or was he just guided as he went. I don’t recall the Bible ever discussing a planning phase. The Bible is a book of faith not of dependence on yourself, but dependence on God. When we sit and insist on having a plan before we move into the direction we feel compelled to go, aren’t we choosing dependence on self over dependence on God? Aren’t we betraying the trust that should be put in Him, when we insist on making our own plans? Isn’t that what got most of the characters in the Bible in hot water?
I asked Quora if it was necessary to have a plan in life and the following portion resonated with me to a degree, “Your soul did not decide to take on your body for its earthly experience, just to drift. So, it is a good idea to find out what your soul wants to do with your life, listen to it. One of the clues is to find out, what you love to do…. while at the same time, still taking care of normal life, and expenses, and being sensible about it. It also helps a lot to have a very frugal attitude, and learn to live comfortably for 60 to 80% less than other people (FREEDOM).” Another person, writes, ” When you have a plan, you set all your focus on that one plan, neither looking left or right and forget to see that there are other lucrative option or plan which are even better and takes less time or effort to achieve or be successful. It is just like a tunnel vision.” I agree, sometimes plans box you in and impose rigidity in a life that should be flowings. What if the listening and sensibility don’t exactly mesh well at the moment? I don’t want to hold off on acting on what my soul seems to be saying while I come up with my own sensible plan to do it. I just want to act insensibly for a change.
I feel confused on this journey to become more integrated. I’m working to bring all of these facets of me (mind, body, spirit) into alignment and being the “heady” person I am, I’m struggling here. Despite my deep desire to be spirit led, I feel Spirit speaks an entirely foreign language that I am simply having a hard time understanding. I want to lean in and do what God is leading me toward, but some days I’m not sure if I’m really hearing from God or if it is my own frustration with my job that makes me want to jump ship and maybe God wants me where I am longer.
Some days, I feel like I’ve figured it out and that it is all hysterically simple… that my body sends me signals leading me toward where I belong and away from where I don’t and I just have to trust myself. I can honestly say, I’ve found that to be insanely true in some circumstances I’ve been in, but in others, maybe not so much. Either it isn’t so simple or I’ve fought the signals if they are telling me I belong somewhere else. For instance, I’ve learned that sexual chemistry with someone doesn’t mean that they are the right partner for you despite how “right” it feels in the moment so it seems either my body lies to me or I’m just dense and avoiding what may be right for me. I think my relationships with men taught me not to trust myself and my own judgment because I’ve seen how something that “feels good” can destroy you.
However, I feel that with work situations listening to my body is accurate. Looking back, I should have realized a long time ago that I should be doing something different simply by the sensations in my body when dealing with the type of work I do.
- tightness of stress rearing it’s ugly head every day
- anxiety around going back after nights and weekends at home
- the constant desire for it to be time to leave
- the tightness in my jaw
- the apathy toward the vision of the business and the goals of the organizations themselves
All of the above were accepted as “normal” for far too long. I normalized the dysfunction and I don’t want to do it anymore. Then, I think about my yoga practice and I see how I’m sitting in the discomfort at times in order to grow in my ability to refocus my energy on what is working rather than the discomfort and to remain “calm within the storm” enhancing my emotional control and lessening my reactivity. Is this work I’m currently doing for a career also part of enhancing my emotional control and I’m finally just catching on to this? Is God using this job to teach me how to remain calm in stressful situations because he’s preparing me for something bigger than I can imagine right now? That feels good… I think I’ll go with that frame of mind. I think I’m making progress on the emotional control spectrum, so hopefully I’ll be moving onward and upward soon.
How do you know you’re acting in line with God’s nudgings? Do you know before you take the leap or do you only find out whether it was God based on the outcome? Give me some examples of situations from your own lives where you took a leap of faith. How did it work out?