Enough… A Letter to My Daughter

I wait for you to fall asleep. I sit outside of your door and kill time while your music plays you into a peaceful slumber. You’re beautiful when you sleep… not just when you’re asleep, but always. It’s just that sometimes in the demands of life, I forget. I forget to see the beauty in you as you ask me for the 10^th snack of the day. I forget to see the beauty in you when you get upset because I said, “no” for your own good. In my forgetfulness, I often find myself not wanting to stay up and wait for you to fall asleep because I am tired. Sometimes, it’s just downright frustrating and it feels like another thing I have to do. Yet, I do it because I love you and I want you to know it. I want you to know that you matter more than anyone or anything in this world to me. I want you to know what love looks like so that when you choose your own relationships, you can discern what real love looks like versus the fake feelings that like to masquerade as love in this world.

There are times when I get angry with you for not putting others before yourself, like when I ask you to feed the cats and you whine that you don’t feel like it. My anger, too, comes from a place of love. I want you to know that it is in those moments when you don’t feel like it that love shines through. Sometimes, I forget how young you are because you are so amazingly gifted and wise. You speak like an adult much of the time and have since you were very small. I forget that you are at a different place in the lesson of soul development than I. I forget that your whole world at this age revolves around you and that due to the speed of your brain development, it’s hard, maybe even impossible to see beyond yourself. I forget to accept you where you are in your evolution at times because it’s important to me that you learn to love and that I teach you what that means. Yet, in these moments, you teach me that acceptance is an aspect of love.

In moments when I see the opposite of love from you, it angers me… It angers me because it feels like a voice over a loudspeaker that says, “You’re failing!” When I hear this, it breaks me because raising you to be a loving and kind human is the job I want to succeed most at in this life of mine. It is the one job that matters to me. As far as I’m concerned, I could fail at everything else in life, but if I’ve managed to teach you what love is, how to love, and how loved you are… my life’s mission has been fulfilled.

It’s not easy. Sometimes this parenting thing feels like a battlefield especially when it exposes the wounds that lie under the surface of this personality of mine. At times, watching you is a reminder of the parts of me that I’ve tried to leave behind… like the selfishness for example. There are parts of you that scare me. They scare me because I’ve experienced where those traits lead and I want more for you. I need you to know that when I make mistakes because I act out of that fear… it’s still love driving me. It’s the desire for you to get through life without too many bumps and bruises… joyfully knowing how worthy you are of every good thing that this world has to offer. It’s my desire to protect you and keep you safe even though I know we all must receive many of our life lessons from Life alone.

Childhood has a way of stripping us of worth sometimes. I get it… it’s hard living up to expectations of the grown-ups that surround you. It feels like they are always asking you to do something… “Clean up your toys. Put your plate in the sink. Time to take a bath. Brush your teeth before bed.” Having little authority over your day must be challenging at times. Yet, when I ask you to do all of these things, what I am trying to teach you is to love yourself. Love yourself enough to want the space around you to be tidy. Love your body enough to keep it clean. Appreciate the blessings you’re given so they don’t disappear and float off to the next person because you failed to notice them. I hope that in trying to teach you the lessons of self-care and love of your surroundings that I am not making you feel as though you are not enough… not smart enough, not clean enough, not appreciative enough.

You said something to me last week that really stuck and I am working on it. You said, “You always want everything to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be perfect.” I forget what you said this in relation to… probably me asking you to clean up, but I want you to know I hear you. It’s ironic that I created a site called Work4Progress and have written pieces that clearly state it’s about progress not perfection, yet my own inner work lies in letting go of the perfectionist and obsessive tendencies that often seem to sink their teeth into me. They say you teach what you most need to learn and it has never been more evident than when you called me out on this very thing. Thank you for being my teacher once again! While I try to teach you how to be a loving and kind person, you’re teaching me the same.

Please know that you are enough! You are more than enough! I don’t expect you to be perfect. I expect you will make mistakes, fall, rise, and fall again. We all do! Trust me… I’ve fallen many times. The important thing is to get up just one more time. We are all waves crashing on the shores of life. Know that you are enough merely because you exist. The universe conspired to bring you here. Think about how many people had to unite to finally get to your birth. Think about how many trees had to bear fruit and animals that had to die to nourish your ancestors to ensure their survival to bring you into creation. Think about the love that still surrounds you… what else and who else is giving of itself to ensure that you have what you need? There have been numerous occurrences that have desperately tried to prove that you are worthy and yet sometimes you’ll still fail to see it.

We all have blinders on when it comes to our own “enough-ness.” Yes, I’ve made that word up. I pray that the blinders permanently fall away so that you always know your worth because honestly that is the biggest obstacle I believe you’ll ever face in this lifetime. I think it’s the one obstacle that we all have to face during our time on Earth. In moments where you find yourself being dumped by someone you thought cared for you, can you still feel you’re enough? In moments where you find yourself being rejected for a job, can you still feel you’re enough? In moments where you struggle with fertility, can you still feel you’re enough? When you are used, can you still feel you’re enough? When you are lonely or abandoned, can you still feel it? When you are abused? It seems life always continues to ask you, “Are you enough?” in hopes that you’ll finally claim your birthright and proclaim “YES!” with every ounce of your being exuding authority and belief.

The obstacles that find their way into your life are just another opportunity for you to peel back the blinders and respond, “Yes, I am enough!” It is our job to affirm this regularly. Make sure that you choose good people to surround yourself with because in times where your blinders are just a bit too heavy and you can’t seem to see, they will be the ones who affirm this message for you. They will be the ones by your side when you’ve done something really stupid or unforgivable. These people will still be there to forgive you (when necessary) and tell you, “It’s ok and you are enough!” They will be the ones helping you back up when life’s knocked you down because they see you’re enough! Know I will always be in your corner, nursing your wounds, and pushing you back into the ring while screaming, “You’re enough… get back in there and fight for what you deserve.” Because, despite the feelings of the moment, especially when you grate on my last nerve at times, you are always enough and I couldn’t be more grateful to have the privilege of being your mom. Thank you for allowing me to teach you what I, too, need to learn and for being there teaching me in return.