Emptiness. So often when many of us think of emptiness, it brings up feelings of despair, sadness, boredom, and frustration. I’ve been this way for a long time, frustrated by the idea of not knowing what I was meant to do with my life. I often felt as though there was something that I was missing… some secret that everyone seemed to know, except me. I ran from emptiness attempting to fill myself with relationships, alcohol, and the façade of busyness.
From where I sit now, I am able to see the beauty of emptiness and I want to share it in hopes that if you are where I was you can start to make room for the emptiness to be seen. I felt so empty and kept seeking a remedy for it. I went partying with friends. I swooned over attention, mistakenly believing that attention from others would somehow fill me up and cause this emptiness to leave me. I filled empty space with worry and anxiety about how things would go or past actions I had taken feeling that my busy mind was somehow better than the empty void I felt within. It honestly wasn’t until I broke down and finally realized how many of my actions were a result of my disdain for my own emptiness that my life began to fill with meaning.
As I realized how much I hated and feared facing my emptiness, I opened to accept God’s grace, love, and assistance. I felt desperate. I felt as though I needed something to fill the void that was partially caused by actions I’d taken… or looking back, maybe it was not caused by anything I had done, but is simply who we are. Maybe the emptiness is what I have always been and fulfillment solely comes from acceptance of that emptiness and allowing grace and love for what is in each moment.
Allowing for emptiness is where the beauty comes. When we stop fighting the feelings of emptiness, we make room for our perspectives to shift. We start to see that the emptiness is actually a blessing in disguise. The emptiness allows experience in fully, just as space allows all of the various forms to be. I’m finding life is so full of paradox. The very things that I once fought so hard against are the very things I am embracing now as I move forward in my spiritual journey. Emptiness… the art of allowing whatever will be into the space that we occupy, is a miracle. That we are gifted with ability to witness everything around us moment by moment is a miracle. The peace of emptiness when embraced fully is like no other. No expectation, no disappointment, no frustration, no worries, no anxiety, no loneliness, no anger… just peace, calmness, and joy.
Emptiness is not meant to be filled (at least not by us)… it is meant to be loved and honored. Just as we love the various tangible experiences and forms that we come across. Space and emptiness, too, have their place within us. When we try to evade the emptiness, we suffer. We become angry and frustrated that we keep running in search of something to fill us and are not finding it. We are like a hamster within a cage running on its wheel. We are trapped in the emptiness that never disappears, but instead transforms into a friend. When the hamster finally realizes that all its running will not make its surroundings change, it finally stops running and finds rest. Likewise, when we finally realize that all of our own running (from emptiness) will not fill us, we finally stop and it is there we find rest.
It is here that emptiness transforms from an enemy to a friend. It is here where we recognize that the constructs of our own expectations are what trips us up every time. It is here that we realize there is nothing wrong with us except for our faulty views of who we think/believe we are that can damn us. It is here that we realize the eternal peace that allowing the emptiness brings.
When we lose the idea that emptiness is somehow something to be avoided at all costs, we become free. When we can sit with our own emptiness and allow it space to be heard is when the lessons of life start to flow in like a raging river. When we can own and love that we are made of both emptiness and form, honoring both, that is when we finally feel whole. I spoke of the mandala in a previous writing, but will mention it here in the event that you didn’t read that piece. The mandala’s beauty is not solely in the form, but also in the emptiness. Likewise, you are not beautiful in spite of your emptiness, but because of it!
