I don’t know when it changed, but today as I was putting my clean bras away and attempting to declutter and clear away the excess ones that I don’t wear while attempting to minimalize, it hit me. All the bras I no longer wear are the cute, lacy, sexy ones. I have stopped making the effort to feel sexy and be sexy. As I stood there in the mirror wearing one of these little lacy numbers, I realized as I stood there that I don’t feel sexy anymore. I stood there looking at my changed cleavage… when did my breasts stop being my favorite asset? I began to wonder when this changed and how long it’s been since I’ve really put effort into feeling sexy and allowing my sexuality to come out and play. Admittedly, it’s been too long. I feel older than what I am at the age of 35 though I regularly exercise, eat well, and attempt to maintain my appearance. J. Lo and Beyonce are over there oozing sex appeal and here I am in my mismatched bra and undies, t-shirt, and jeans feeling like a frump.
When was it that I stopped owning my own sexuality and feminine mystique? When I was younger, I wouldn’t dare wear a bra and panty that didn’t match and now here I am doing exactly the opposite. Why? What has changed inside of me? Is this something that I even care to be anymore? These questions danced around in my head as I stood there in this lace bra staring at myself in the mirror. I used to feel like a “sex pot” and suddenly I just feel kind of “meh.” Is it the whole, “you don’t use it you lose it” adage? Have I spent so long being a mom in a committed long-term relationship that my identity as a sexy desirable woman has been lost to that of a matronly middle-aged caregiver? Is it the relationship I’m in that lacks sexual appeal? Is it just that my priorities have shifted and I’m more focused on inner beauty than outward sexiness?
Can I get my sex appeal back? Can I begin to nurture that side of myself more? How many other women have gone through this? Is this just a right of passage, part of growing through life? If so, I’m not so sure I really want to grow up… I miss feeling sexy. Maybe I just need a date night to dress up, go somewhere fancy, get the heels on and the sexy bra and panty set… be around people who might look my way with approving acknowledgement. Why do I even want approval and acknowledgement of my sexiness from them? I want to feel wanted. Not in an “I love you and I’m there for you,” kind of way, but in a “I can’t wait to rip your clothes off” kind of way. I miss the primal eroticism of the new love interest sometimes and I don’t know how to have it with someone I’ve been with for 16 years. The oldness of the relationship correlates to the “oldness” I feel.
Everyone who is in long term relationships and those within the church community talk about how it’s work. It takes effort to maintain intimacy over the long haul. I get that, but I guess I failed to realize the individual work involved… putting in the effort so that you feel sexual, beautiful, and desirable regardless of whether your partner is “making you feel” that way. In this spiritual journey of mine, I’m learning that nobody is responsible for how you feel, but you. If I don’t feel sexy it’s mainly because I stopped wearing the sexy underwear, clothes, etc. If I don’t feel sexy it’s because I’m failing to see myself in that way. If I don’t feel sexy, its because I’m failing to honor the sexual piece of the being that resides within this body of mine.
It’s time to bring sexy back in the words of Justin Timberlake. I’ve decided, I don’t want to feel like a dumpy “mom” any longer. I also don’t want to flaunt like a teenage girl who bears it all. I need to find a happy medium. A happy medium is something I’ve never had when it comes to sexuality. At various stages in my life I’ve been hypersexual and then at others, like right now… I’m hyposexual. The goal is to find balance, to find center. This is the goal of the spiritual journey… to find one’s center, honor the holy temple, to become fully integrated, to become aware of one’s own divinity and wholeness. I’ve just unveiled another layer of my path and now the work begins.
There is no end to the spiritual path, just when you think you’ve found balance and you’re “good” there lies another layer that requires some attention and love. We continue to evolve, grow, and change. Sometimes in the process of finding balance, we lean too far to the left and fall over, or we lean too far to the right. It takes a lot of practice to be able to remain steady. It is trial and error, which is why so many wise folks implore you to “fail forward.” Get on the bike and start pedaling. Even if you fall, you are further along than if you had never gotten on the bike. You will never find your balance if you don’t attempt to ride!