This morning while eating breakfast, my 6-year-old daughter proceeded to tell me that she “accidentally touched another little girl’s vagina at school yesterday.” I stopped chewing and found myself in a bit of uneasiness. I asked in a matter-of-fact tone, “What do you mean you touched her vagina on accident?” She then told me that she was telling the other girl where her vagina was and I was kind of flabbergasted. I explained that I didn’t think that she needed to tell her where her vagina was because she most likely knows her body just like my daughter knows hers. I calmly explained that she knows that her privates are not to be touched by other people and that she should not be touching anyone else’s privates either. I did my best to keep a normal tone of voice and a nonjudgmental stance while letting her know that touching other people’s private areas is not something that is ok because it can violate a personal boundary. I could tell she was a little embarrassed when I told her not to touch other people’s privates because she asked me not to tell anyone. I told her we’d keep it between us, but that she needs to make sure that she keeps her hands to herself because it’s something I could get called into school for if it continues.
This experience took me back to my own early experiences of exploring bodies and sexuality with friends when I was younger. I remember feeling so ashamed of what I had done when my friend’s parents had caught us rolling around playing “soap opera” with our shirts off under the covers. I did my best to not overreact like my own mother did when confronted with my own daughter who is starting to become curious. I remember being mortified when my mom came to pick me up from my friend’s house. It was a big awkward conversation in their living room and my mom sent me to my room when I got home as though I was punished. I got a brief interrogation that went something like, “What were you thinking? Why would you do that?” which made me feel really “bad” and “abnormal” for having had that experience. It wasn’t until years later that I realized the impact this had on my own sexuality… equating the feelings of shame and fear with sex and self-worth… feeling that I was inherently “bad” or “deviant.”
It made me rethink body exploration and sexuality. It is a completely natural and normal part of humanity and yet society makes such things so taboo. A child being curious about another child’s body is basically asking themselves, “Am I normal? Do I look like you do? Do you have what I have?” It’s the adults and our society that adds another element to it. We’ve created an over-sexualized society where the natural naked body is seen as shameful or merely a means of sexual arousal rather than a celebration of God’s craftsmanship.
I’ve caught myself in my own social programming judging other women for showing a lot of skin, then I check myself and ask “Why?” I still believe a body is just a body, we’re all roaming this Earth in our physical coating with basically the same parts, yet exposure of the body is frowned upon. Logically, it makes no sense. I know the snap judgment is not my own, but part of the societal programming I’d received that says “women who dress like that are thirsting for attention,” “women who dress like that are easy,” “women who dress like that have no respect for themselves,” “women who dress like that are desperate,” and worse yet, “women who dress like that are ‘asking for it,’”etc. and the list goes on and on. Yet, nobody ever makes comments about men running through the streets with their shirts off.
My daughter is also at the stage where she hears other little girls talking about Beyonce and other artists. Lately, she’s been roaming around the house pulling her shirt up to show her belly and when I asked her about it she told me that “Beyoncé wears things that show her belly.” I find this interesting because we don’t watch Beyoncé and I don’t listen to Beyoncé in the house. I don’t watch anything that has women walking around in belly shirts or other seductive attire because I’m trying really hard to model conservative style for her because I know societal perception of women who dress seductive and the type of attention it draws all too well and I’m hoping to protect her from it by modeling my behavior accordingly. Although, I do believe this perception is problematic and needs to be questioned, it’s the world we live in and I do adapt so as not to draw negative attention my way and I want to shield my daughter from it as well.
This topic is raising all kinds of feelings within me. Part of me says if wearing a low-cut dress, booty shorts, or a belly shirt feels great, rock it! The other side of me is concerned with the societal repercussions of doing so. I guess all about balance. When, where, and how matter. There is a time and place for everything, and context matters in situations of bodily exposure. I’m still in the process of undoing some of the programming I’ve received as a result of experiences I’ve had related to this topic, which is why this topic brings up a little uneasiness in me (watch for your own discomfort, it’s where your personal inner work lies). Having been a teenager who dressed provocatively, excited about my new assets, I know the type of attention body exposure brings, which is why I’m sensitive to it with my daughter. The negative attention I’d received led me to situations I probably could have avoided at that time and resulted in some self-worth issues that took a long time to undo and I don’t want that for her.
Parenting tends to bring up a lot of our old stuff. I feel that God is giving me the opportunity to handle questions of bodily and sexual exploration differently with my own daughter, which in turn is healing some old wounds within me. Witnessing her innocence in exploration helps me to further realize my own. There is no experience that is wasted when you take the time to feel and reflect on your emotions. As I mentioned in a prior post, I’ve learned that it was not me who was broken, wrong or damaged, but the world. I’m navigating this with my daughter at this time and having to delicately explain that she cannot do certain things or behave in certain ways because of the world’s brokenness, which will be used to break her if she isn’t careful. My own innocence and childlike curiosity was used against me costing me years suffering with false self-image and a belief that I was “not good enough.” Unraveling the truth, I now see clearly that it is the world that requires a shift in perception… and deep healing so that members of this place can begin to feel healthy, whole, and loved instead of suffering in silence with depression, anxiety, grief, pain, fear, and despair.
There is a lot of work to do… join me in working for progress in your own soul as well as the world!
What early experiences around body image and sexuality impacted you in your life? How? Though painful, do you think delving into these experiences may serve you as you move forward in life? I, personally, am astonished at the connection between my own childhood experimentation and this situation with my daughter. God brought me through that humiliation to serve me in this present day experience.