Relationships can be challenging. I’ve been working through my feelings around a certain person within my life these days. This is a person that I’ve been really close to in seasons of my life. When you’re close to someone it’s hard to watch them go through things that are beneath them. Sometimes it’s hard to support them when you feel they are making bad decisions. Being the light and the voice of reason isn’t a very glamorous role. Often when you are attempting to hold the light for someone, you end up getting arrows of darkness shot at you.
That is how I feel about a situation that recently transpired in my life. A relative of mine, recently moved away to free herself from an abusive relationship. While she was here, I tried to be supportive. I listened. I offered options and positivity. When she told me of her decision to move, I was encouraging because I felt it was the best thing she could do for herself. I was sad to see her go, but hopeful and grateful for her bravery and clear mind that was finally allowing her to see that she had to help herself.
She moved about 5 months ago and we’ve stayed in touch. About a month ago, she planned a trip back to my area to sell a home for a friend of hers and had no return flight booked at that time. When she told me, I inquired about it being too soon to put herself back into the environment she had left. I questioned when she posted her new phone # to Facebook. I was concerned about her well-being in making the decision to come back to the same place she ran from and publicly announce that she was doing so on social media. It is not the way I would have done things, but I tried to remain nonjudgmental.
When she arrived, I waited a few days to reach out thinking she would call me to make plans to get together. When she didn’t, I’d reached out to her. We made plans to get together the last night she would be here, since she’d made it sound like she was so busy and had to “squeeze me in.” Needless to say her whole communication style was clearly letting me know that I wasn’t a priority. I had the feeling that she made some questionable choices while she was down here and even silently questioned the motive behind her trip. I feared that she was talking to the guy she left again and was coming down to see where things stood or something of that nature. While I didn’t think that selling her friend’s home was a lie, I also felt that there was another motive.
On the day we were going to be getting together, I reached out questioning what time she wanted to meet and was met with a let down. She texted me that she was going to have dinner with her daughter and wouldn’t be meeting me. So I wished her a safe trip home and let her know I was kind of sad, but stated there would be other opportunities to get together. The following day, I sent her a message letting her know she was on my mind and that I was hoping she got back safely. We exchanged a few brief texts over the next couple of weeks, but I could feel a shift in my energy toward her. I was still hurt and kind of bitter about the whole situation.
I know resentment is a poison that you drink hoping it will hurt someone else, so I was determined to let it go and resolved to look at the situation without attachment. I entered the situation with a clear mind and made it less about me. I considered that maybe things weren’t so good with her while she was here and that is why she pulled back from seeing me. I know she feels like I “have it all together” now as a result of doing my inner work and allowing God to lead my life. She’s made comments that let me know this in the past. It made sense to me that if she were not proud of certain things that happened when she was here that she wouldn’t want to be around me. Thinking about things from this angle allowed me to forgive the situation without making anything of it or confronting her about it.
After I’d resolved not to unload my emotions in a conversation with her, she texted me and I’d called her. During our conversation, she started to open up about how she felt when she came down and confirmed my thinking. It didn’t have much to do with me, as I already knew. So often the ego wants to make everything about you, when more often than not, it’s about the other person. Here I was accepting an offense that I didn’t need to accept. She indicated that she had seen her abuser and that things kind of spiraled downward after that to the point where she didn’t really want to be around anyone. This allowed me to empathize with her and understand her more deeply.
She also indicated that she’d “made time for the people she wanted to see while she was here and did not feel guilty about not getting to see everyone, but that it was nothing personal.” Before doing my inner work, this comment would have royally pissed me off because I would have heard what she said as “Fuck you and your feelings. You aren’t important to me.” I still found it to be an insensitive response to the feelings I’d placed in her care, however, I also recognize that often hurting people hurt people and I can choose to overlook it. She went on further to say, “The people she saw were the people who call her every day to see how she is doing,” which reading between the lines I could see was about me. She elaborated by saying, “I just feel that knowing what I was going through when I moved, people would have called more often to see how I was doing. I honestly feel like if I didn’t reach out to people, I would have no one. No one would care if I didn’t exist.”
She was also harboring some type of resentment because I am not the type of person who calls people every day. I am comfortable with speaking to friends once a month maybe and picking up where we left off. My level of need in my friendships is a lot lower than hers. It also opened my eyes to see that she was crying out for love. Her statements clearly indicated that she felt unloved and lonely having moved. While it isn’t my job to make my life about her and coddle her daily so that she feels good about herself, I could be more affectionate and make more of an effort to reach out. I did reach out, but apparently it wasn’t enough to help her feel cared for. This statement causes me pause because ultimately, I know that nobody can make you feel cared for if you don’t care for yourself. Nobody can make you feel loved if you don’t love yourself. While I will attempt to make more of an effort to reach out a bit more, I am not placing the burden on my shoulders to make her feel whole. That is always an inside job!
So often, people don’t say what they mean. They don’t speak their truth directly because it is easier to use some impersonal example, but honestly being vulnerable and open is so much more important. When you directly state to someone, “My feelings were hurt because I’d expected A, B, C.” It opens up the gates of communication. It allows them to respond with their feelings and allows the sacred gift of connection and understanding to be born. Through being vulnerable, I gained insight into her state of mind and how she was feeling. We were both harboring some animosity toward the other because of expectations that we held.
Expectation is also another key piece in this. My expectation that we would get together while she was down is what led to my hurt feelings. Her expectation that “people” (aka “I”) should call her more also led to her hurt feelings. Buddhists believe in giving up expectation and attachment as the path to joy and there is truth to this. When we allow what is to unfold without any expectation as to what will transpire, we can be at peace no matter what happens. In essence, this is part of what it means to “let go.” We try to control life with our expectations of what “should” be happening or how others “should” be based on our own understanding and experience. When we let go, we are able to allow for all that God desires to unfold without gripping on and trying to force it to be other. When we let go, we are submitting our will to God’s will and as a result we are able to float more peacefully down the river of life.
While I did not get the response I craved, I am at peace with how things transpired. The response I would have liked to hear was more to the effect of, “I really would have liked to see you too while I was down because I sincerely do miss you, but I was just not in a mental space to do that this time around.” That response would have validated my feelings a bit more, while also allowing her to be confirmed in her feelings. However, I’m grateful for the way the situation did unfold because it allowed me a deeper understanding and also a beautiful reminder on my spiritual path. It also allowed me to see how far I’ve come from who I used to be and for that I am forever thankful.
Can you think of a situation in your own life where there is more underlying what is being said? Can you try viewing offenses as though they have nothing at all to do with you? How do you think that may change the situation?