I’m a firm believer that when you ask, you usually receive although what you receive isn’t always what you’d expected. As I’ve been seeking more opportunities to be of service lately, my eyes have been opened to the # of people in my immediate circle who are hurting and in need support and love. Some are struggling with alcohol that is threatening to destroy their relationship. Some are struggling with depression that threatens to debilitate them. It keeps them from enjoying their life by cornering them off in solitude and avoiding interactions with those closest to them. Some are struggling for validation in their relationship while raising young children. Some are suffering from anxiety and potentially post-partum depression. All are seeking joy and happiness, but it seems to be eluding them leaving them feeling empty, sad, searching, and repeating the same behaviors and thought patterns that are leading them to misery.
It’s an honor when someone opens up and lets you into their personal struggle. It’s a sacred moment that allows you to really see someone raw, real, and damaged. It’s a moment packed with vulnerability that needs to be held delicately because a wrong word or action in these moments can often make or break someone’s experience. I’m always entirely grateful when I am blessed with these moments. I often pray after these encounters that my words may help them to heal even if it is a very small seed or contribution that inspires them to take the next step in their own wellness. I understand that God is the one who heals and I just get to bear witness and be slightly involved in the process when people open up to me and share their struggle. I love this work and find myself wanting to do it for free. I finally understand why a lot of the career questionnaires I’d taken over the course of my life trying to “figure it out” often had the question, “What would you do if money was irrelevant?” I pray that God give me the words and resources to help heal others and that He assist me with the right message when these encounters happen.
I’m grateful for those who have held space for me on my own healing journey. Whether it be my yoga instructors who have led me through my own practice, allowing me to feel safe exploring my body’s limitations and capabilities, teaching me to breathe deeply into my body, and stay present with each moment or my therapist who has sat for hours watching me work though my own process of recognizing what I’d lost over the course of this life and working to regain it. I also can’t forget my pastor, who although hasn’t supported me one on one, has spent countless hours preaching so that I could absorb the message and add His words into my personal arsenal of weaponry against the darkness that threatens to infringe on my joy. Most importantly, my family, primarily my fiancé, who has loved me when I didn’t feel deserving of love.
As I witness the struggles of those close to me, I ask myself, how can I support them through their process? How can I gently help them to open and air out the rooms of their soul that have stayed locked in darkness for far too long? How can I nudge them onto the path of healing? How can I make my presence a “safe haven” for others? How can I let them know that I’m willing to listen without making them feel as though I’m prying (primarily in the case of those that I know, but am not extremely close to)? How can I let them know that I “see” them?
I believe in the power of words. After a recent conversation I’d had with someone who was confiding in me her own struggles, she told me I was, “a breath of fresh air.” I realized that all I’d done was speak compassionate truth as I knew it to be while asking some questions that hopefully would lead her to the conclusion that there was no reason for her not to love herself… no matter what she was currently believing. As someone who spent a lot of my life not loving myself and feeding myself lies, I get it. I know that at one point in my life I didn’t even realize what it meant to love myself. I was moody a lot of the time, constantly getting “set-off” by every little thing. I was a ticking time bomb waiting for someone to say or do the wrong thing so that I could explode and blame them for “pissing me off,” because I had so much repressed emotion I didn’t even realize I held.
Repressed emotion is the worst because it’s pain that has been denied for so long that you don’t even realize exists anymore. It’s pain that you haven’t given yourself the license to feel because you tell yourself, “It’s stupid/weak/feminine/unwarranted/crazy to feel that way,” or “My mom/dad/brother/sister/whoever was/is a good person… who am I to feel pain because of something they did? It’s pain that gets locked away inside you and festers… making a mess of other areas of your life without your recognition. It’s pain that builds up like plaque and causes cavities (holes) within your soul… leaving you feeling empty and searching for something that you can never seem to find. Hint: you can’t find it in this state because it’s a piece of yourself that you don’t want to see and love
It’s funny how being on the other side of it, having felt through a lot of my pain and looked at a lot of my emotional trauma, I can now see others’ deep pain as though they were wearing it around their neck for all to see. I wonder if mine was so blatantly obvious to everyone around me when I was carrying it. I mean, it’s hard not to notice someone who is carrying lots of physical baggage and I think emotional baggage looks the same way to those with a trained eye. Maybe there were no trained eyes around me which is why I suffered for so long or, more likely, maybe I wasn’t willing to open my own eyes to see what those who could see were attempting to call my attention to… instead choosing to remain a prisoner to my own pain by repressing further.
I’m in a position now where I want to see everyone whole, not hole! I know it’s possible because I’ve seen tremendous personal progress as a result of digging more deeply into myself and allowing my feelings to be felt while I bear conscious witness to them. If you are suffering, or if you just feel like something is “missing”, I pray that you look within, find the resources you need, and work for progress for yourself. It’s possible, you deserve it, and the world needs it! I’m here as a resource. Contact me.