I’m realizing how challenging it can be to hold space for another’s extreme emotions. My daughter is a very extreme person. When she goes off, she really goes off and the outbursts seem to go on forever. I’m cool for awhile, but at some point, I find myself retreating emotionally into my “bubble.” The point where I just shut off emotionally and go into protection mode. The protection mode is as much for my own sanity as it is for her. It feels chaotic and like hell on Earth when she loses her temper and proceeds to scream at the top of her lungs and repeat herself for like 25 minutes straight. There is no reasoning with her. There is no soothing her… it’s just a matter of waiting for it to end while you use every last bit of energy you have to maintain your own sanity and peace.
She has not received any official diagnosis for this behavior though we’ve taken her to a therapist for periods of time throughout her childhood to assess things. She’s a brilliant little girl, but sometimes it’s like that brilliant little girl disappears and the demon from Dante’s Inferno comes crawling from the depths of her to make an appearance and torment this house. Honestly, in those moments I want to perform an exorcism… if only I really knew how. (I say this half joking…) Thank God, this behavior is only occasional because if it were happening daily I don’t think I could do this. Parenthood is a role that I don’t consider myself a natural at. Most days I feel good about the work I am putting in, but moments like this I feel like I want to quit the role. I feel like nobody told me this would be in the job description and I want to go on strike.
The thing is… parenting isn’t about your feelings. It’s about the commitment to raise the person that came through you until they have elevated into their own esteem. I’m committed, though running in the other direction crosses my mind at times. During this most recent explosion, I actually had the thought, “Man, why is there nowhere that parents can just drop their kids off and run?” Would I do it? No, but in that moment of high stimulation and exhausting stress the idea sounded really good. This is the problem with acting on feelings. Feelings can cause you to make some horrible choices if they are what guides you.
When the stress is high and you’re dealing with someone who can’t be reasoned with, it’s easy for the fantasies to creep in. It’s easy to say, “I didn’t sign up for this. I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t deal with this…” and I have… under my breath… to my fiancé and other supportive people in my life. Thank God they know my heart and know that I’m just venting in the heat of the moment. It’s so important to have people around you that you can let loose around, even when “letting loose” is what we see as “ugly.” It’s when we feel those ugly emotions that we to be seen and validated the most. It’s when we can share our darker side with another and feel heard that we begin to know that we’re “ok.”
It took me a long time to understand that I didn’t need to judge myself for or hide my “ugly” emotions. Even now, I still do some continued work around this. When my “crazy” starts going off in my mind, I notice and start to feel like I should be at a place where I can control it and stop it. Yet, often it keeps chattering until it’s gotten everything out that it needs to be released. I’ve learned to distance myself from it and just listen to it without judgment rather than to attach my identity to it. More often than not, once it’s had the privilege of being heard it goes silent and peace returns.
When we act on feelings, we wind up with actions that aren’t always in our best interest. We feel vengeful so we key a car, then get caught and end up in court. We feel angry, so we lash out and say a bunch of stuff we don’t mean to intentionally hurt the person that made us angry… which leaves us feeling worse and often ends relationships. We feel lonely, so we go out and find someone to make us feel less lonely for the night, only to wake up feeling used or more lonely than we were before. We feel depressed and anxious so we drink until “the edge is off,” then wake up hung over the next day. In my experience acting on negative emotions only serves to bring you deeper into the pit than you were before. There have been several times where I’ve acted impulsively because I couldn’t get a handle on my emotions and I don’t want that for anyone else, which is why I vulnerably take the time to share in this space.
It’s science… emotions cloud logic. It’s the way we’re wired. Your emotional brain and your logical brain do not function well together. The emotional brain (amygdala), being older and more strongly ingrained is far too powerful and always stifles the logical brain (frontal lobes) so that it cannot function properly in the heat of the moment. However, with practice, we can gain more conscious control and the ability to override the amygdala’s fight or flight response so that we can make decisions that we don’t have to spend time recovering from.
The same way that I have to sit and simply be still until my daughter tantrum runs its course is the same way that I have to be with my own mind and emotions… a bystander simply watching the waves crash over me while fighting to maintain some semblance of peace until the wave retreats back into the ocean from whence it came. I have to trust that “this too shall pass” and so far it’s proven true every time. Once it passes, I’m restored back to my right mind where I can again see the horizon once more, for it was only hidden by the wave of my emotion. When this happens, I can see what’s true and have space to embrace my daughter and myself with genuine compassion, forgiveness, and unconditional love recognizing that we are part of the same ocean.
There is no work more rewarding then gaining more conscious choice over your life. If you feel ready, I’d love to hold space for you on your own inward journey. I offer personal coaching and yoga sessions.