If you’ve read my prior post concerning consciously making a bad choice, you’ll know that I’m currently struggling through parenting an explosive child and know my stance on hitting as a form of discipline. However, I’m beginning to learn from those around me that there is value in tough love and that love doesn’t always come in the form of kindness, hugs, kisses and smiles.
This whole week has been fairly volatile with my almost 6 year old daughter, full of outbursts and angry behavior. It’s hard when you can’t understand why someone is acting the way they are. It’s hard to love when someone is being so incredibly difficult to love. It’s hard to see past the anger when someone is lashing out at you. Parenting is no cake walk, especially when you have a child who seems to be an extremist… either incredibly kind and lovable or obscenely rude and mental. It’s hard to strike the balance in parenting style.
This morning started out with challenges getting ready for school. Lately she hasn’t been helpful at all in the morning when it comes to following the routine that she has always had. Get up, eat breakfast, get dressed, do your hair, brush your teeth… This has been the routine on weekdays since I can remember. For the past month or 2 it has become a complete power struggle starting with the request of getting dressed. We pick out the clothes the night before and allow her choice in what she wears the following day. The other day it took an hour of struggle to finally get her to get dressed. Today, it was getting dressed and doing her hair. She decided she wanted to do her own hair, which I was fine with since she was in one of her “angry moods” acting rude and disrespectful pretty much since we asked her to focus on eating her breakfast because we needed to get ready and get out of the house on time.
After this morning’s outburst at home, my partner and I made the decision to take away “pizza day” as the consequence of her actions. Every Friday, she routinely gets pizza purchased for her at school and she looks forward to it. Once we got buckled into the car, I calmly reminded her that she was not going to have pizza as a result of her behavior and that daddy had packed her a lunch so she wouldn’t go hungry. She lost it. Out came the screaming, crying, kicking my seat… you name it.
This went on for the whole ride to school and I kept my cool. We get to school and I said, “We’re here… it’s time to get out of the car and head into school,” which turned into, “I don’t want to go to school.” This was after I had already unbuckled the little beast (usually I call her “little bean,” but today beast seems more fitting) from her car seat. Well, she proceeds to tell me she isn’t going to school and proceeds to climb over my console into the front seat of my car as I am standing at the back seat with the door open. I open the front door and she’s climbing into the back seat screaming at me that she is not going to school. I calmly asked why and told her I needed to know if there was something that was happening at school that she didn’t want to tell me about. She told me that she always gets in trouble to which I re-actively responded, “well it’s no different than at home then.” In hindsight, I wish I would have been silent and listened further rather than letting the snarky response fly out of my mouth.
The situation escalated with her yelling and hitting and refusing to get out of the car to the point where one of the teachers walking in intervened. I was so grateful. In that moment, this woman felt like an angel. I had just stepped out of the car moments ago to pray that I wouldn’t lose my cool. I was running out of patience and asking Jesus to “Please HELP me… just please help me because I am doing my best, but I am about to lose it.” and then came Ms. Rose to my rescue. I felt embarrassed, but also incredibly grateful that my prayer had been answered. Thank you Jesus! It didn’t go unnoticed.
Ms. Rose was able to diffuse the bomb sitting in the passenger side of my car and was able to get her into the school. Of course we all know children respond better to outsiders than they do their parents… most of the time. I think my daughter was partly embarrassed of her behavior also because moments before Ms. Rose’s appearance I was trying to call the school to see if someone could help me coax her out of the car, which I made the mistake of telling my daughter I was doing. When I told her I was calling the school to help me, she proceeded to jump all over me trying to pull the phone out of my hand. I had to stiff arm her back into the passenger seat, which became quite a site to behold because she was acting relentless.
After having called my fiance for back-up about 10 minutes before this whole situation with Ms. Rose saving the day, we finally made it into school. At this point, I was worn out and my fiance’ had already been fairly worn out with this mornings household struggle of getting ready. We sat with the owner of the school who we’ve grown close to over the years and talked about the challenges we were having. She is “old school” and supports tough love all the way. We talked about it and our conversation made me start coming around and realizing that sometimes tough love is necessary and that love has a darker side. It’s true that sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we can rebuild ourselves wiser, stronger, and kinder. It’s more loving as a parent to conduct the tough love in-house rather than allowing the world to do it once the negative personality trait/behavior is ingrained.
After today’s discussion, my fiance and I agreed to take all privileges away. Previously we had taken several things away, one at a time, which she hasn’t earned back. We’ve taken everything out of her room, all toys & all excess clothing. Basically anything that isn’t educational or creative (crayons, markers, colored pencils, books, paper, glue, scissors, flash cards, penmanship paper) has been removed and discarded into plastic bins. We are enforcing a minimalist lifestyle on her because her lack of appreciation for her life and the people that provide her with the lifestyle she is blessed to have is intolerable. I can’t say I’m not struggling a little with this. It saddens me that we are having to take it to this extreme, though I do feel with her personality and the behavior she has been exhibiting, it may be necessary to break her down a little to rebuild her back up more appreciative and kinder. After all, isn’t that what God does in our lives?
In my personal experience, I know I had to be broken down before I became the person I am today and I am incredibly grateful for my darkest moments because without them I wouldn’t have turned it around and learned to value what is important. I wouldn’t have done the inner work that I needed so desperately. I would have continued on the dark side never really knowing how destructive it was. When I forecast down the road if her behavior continues as it is, it doesn’t look very promising. I see a teenage me… making poor choices… harming herself… using others… being rebellious… etc. I’m giving her what, at times, I’ve said I wish I would have been given a lot sooner and it’s all being done out of love even though it feels harsh. As a parent, I’m simply giving her a moment of reckoning, a wake up call, a rude awakening that the behavior cannot continue in the direction it has been and praying that it works. Please pray for me!
When have you been at your wits end as a parent? Do you have an extreme child? How do you handle difficult parenting moments? What works and what doesn’t? What does tough love mean to you?