Being a parent is wonderful, but we can’t deny the fact that it also comes with it’s not so glamorous challenges. Children have a way of knowing exactly what button to push on any given day to insight a reaction from us. It’s as though they come with their very own instructional manual that tells them exactly where our souls need work. My child’s instructional manual happens to read, “How to Challenge the Impatient Introvert.”
As an introvert, I tend to require more “alone time” than most to regroup, reflect, and feel like my best self. I start to feel frazzled after spending too much time with people so demonstrating the person I’d like to be with my inquisitive, silly, and energetic 5-year-old can pose a huge challenge. On days when I’m the only one with her for most of the day, which seems to be fairly often, I find myself battling myself since I can’t just step away and leave a 5-year-old to fend for herself. I feel my patience-o-meter draining and I see myself becoming short with the little things around 3pm. Coincidentally, this has always been around the same time that she starts getting tired (i.e. whiny, needy, cranky, etc.).
I don’t want to be the person who quips at my child. I want to be this overflowing source of love and patience every moment of every day. I don’t ever want her to doubt my love for her and I do realize how fleeting and precious these moments of her childhood are. Yet in spite of this, I find myself growing impatient and being quick to say things like, “Will you stop it?”, “Cut it out.”, “Do you always have to (fill in the blank here)?” when my child is simply acting her age.
I have a fiancé who owns his own business and enjoys helping everyone as much as he can, which I absolutely love about him. Though, I have to admit, sometimes I find myself resenting his autonomy and then I find myself resenting him when he’s home. Some days when he gets home, I am so excited that I get to have a minute to myself and then I realize, there is no such thing. Even when I make it clear that I would like him to “relieve me of my parental duties,” he more often than not takes that as, “I miss you and want you to come home so we can socialize.” The urge to recharge in my “bubble” grows stronger, but at the same time I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, so I shrink back and try to be “nice” when part of me is yearning for uninterrupted time alone.
Sometimes I wonder if having a family was meant for introverts. Am I an anomaly for desiring time alone when the universe stresses connection and community? While I enjoy people, I enjoy them most in smaller doses. I am not a hermit by any means, and some would never peg me as an introvert, but in my heart of hearts I know I am a fairly strong introvert as my preferences are for solo versus group activities any day. I prefer to relate to people at a comfortable distance or in small groups versus large groups or up close and personal. As we all know, children are not good with comfortable distances. In fact, more frequently they’re right in your face, on your lap, and attached to your hip. I love the snuggle time, but sometimes, I feel myself losing patience with always being needed, the constant chatter, and the extreme closeness.
I know I can’t be the only one struggling to give to my family but resenting the lack of time I have for myself. Maybe it comes down to drawing firmer boundaries, which I haven’t quite yet gotten a good handle on. I want to be this picture-perfect mom who is always eager to be with her family. I want to be nurturing, patient, and understanding. I know sometimes I feel like I fall short, but I’d like to think that doesn’t make me a “bad” mom or a “bad” partner. I can honestly say that despite how I feel in the moment, I give my best effort to be the mom and partner they deserve, which sometimes leaves me feeling drained and impatient. This leads me to believe that how we feel isn’t as important an indicator of success as the commitment that we make to try even when we may not “feel it.” That maybe, in trying, we are giving our families exactly what they need most… our love and our best effort each and every day, even when in our minds it might not feel like enough.