Last night my daughter decided to have a mega tantrum after being asked to put a game she was playing down so that she could wash her hands after using the bathroom. It was really an interesting scenario that got me thinking more deeply about energy and how to diffuse these situations going forward. Things got rather out of hand when I finally took the game out of her hands and then asked her to wash her hands a bit more sternly. She decided she thought it would be a good idea to try to get the game out of my hands in defiance. Then as the game went out the door, she proceeded to stomp around the house. It got so bad that she also was acting like she was going to hit somebody.
I’ve hit my daughter once or twice in her almost 6 years of existence. In those times, I lost control after being pushed to the edge and gave her a swift smack. Each time, I felt awful because I felt I had failed to keep my emotional composure as the adult and resorted to force to try to control a situation. I’ve been steadily working on my emotional control and well-being to prevent outbursts of reactivity. I’m not sure where she got this from because we are a nonviolent household.
My daughter is very well behaved, but I think she’s somewhat of a bottler when it comes to emotions. She is great 90% of the time, but when she goes off, it’s extreme and lasts longer than what seems appropriate given the situation. As I witnessed her last night and maintained my emotional center silently observing the situation and trying to speak calmly to her to mellow her out, it dawned on me how much progress I’ve made. My fiancé’ started losing it and sat her on her bed and restrained her because she was swinging her arms and threatening to kick him, without actually kicking him. In the midst of the turmoil, my heart was breaking. It was quite the sight of chaos and reactivity on both their parts.
I’ve been cultivating my own personal peace throughout this year and here I was in the midst of an attack on my house. For a few moments while this was happening, I stood back so as not to undermine my fiancé’, but as I prayed for peace over my house I felt the need to step in and break it up because his restraining her was making the situation worse, not better. His anger and need to control the situation were only fueling the situation to continue. They were both feeding off each other’s anger and neither was willing to make a concession. I went in the room and calmly stated that this was not helping anything and that we all needed space. He went to our bedroom, she got off her bed and sat on her floor and cried quietly, and I sat on my couch in prayer and a hint of my own tears at the ruined night that we had on our hands as a result of the outburst.
After giving the situation about 10 minutes, I went into her room and spoke to her about the fact that anger was ok and we all have it. I explained that she can choose to act differently even when she is angry. I stressed that she always has the choice in how she is going to respond to that anger. I gave her some alternative scenarios and we got her pajamas on, tucked her in, and she went to sleep rather peacefully. As I sat in reflection, I realized that roles had somewhat reversed in my house. I used to be the one with 0 emotional control. I used to be the one that would start yelling and losing my temper, but now I was the only one in the house attempting to be peaceful.
My fiancé’ and I talked about the situation once she went to bed. I explained that we can’t combat fire with more fire. It’s exactly what Jesus was trying to get across when he said,
When someone attempts to burn us with their negative energy, we must combat the negative energy with positive energy. In other words, we must fight fire with water or combat anger with love to neutralize the energy and restore the peace.
I’ve been practicing this internally on myself. When I have been witness to my own negative thoughts, I’ve been counterbalancing them with positive thought and restoring peace to myself. It usually works in the external environment as well. When I went in the room to see my daughter, after giving the situation about 10 minutes to cool down, I poured on the love. I picked her up, gave her a hug, told her I loved her and that I never ask her to do anything that isn’t good for her. I spoke to her about what it means to be a family or a team and explained that we need to cooperate with one another to maintain harmony among us.
I could see that she felt bad about her behavior and explained that when we act in ways that hurt people, we hurt ourselves. I told her that because we love her, we want her to make good choices so that she doesn’t feel bad about herself. I explained that she would have a new chance in the morning to show up differently and to choose kindness, cooperation, and harmony over disobedience, anger, and outbursts. Lastly, I let her know that nobody would hold it against her unless she chose to make this a continuous pattern and did not wish to learn from it.
I highlight this situation today to point out that energy is contagious. Your emotions can pour out onto others and disrupt their peace. The key is to fight fire with water, or otherwise stated, fight hatred and anger with love. The wrong kind of energy can inhabit our world like a plague and it’s our duty to push it back with love and kindness to restore the balance in difficult situations.
What kind of energy are you showing up with? Are you allowing your bad days to spill over onto others? How can you restore harmony within yourself and as a result with others you have relationship with?