It’s frustrating when your partner assumes things and tries to make decisions for you without your consent. Did I say that I wanted you to take her to the store without me? I had a set of plans in my own mind about how things would go. I was thinking we could run to BJ’s on the same trip to the Dollar Tree for her crafting items she’s been reminding us of every 5 minutes, but, you, in an effort to “help,” tell me you are going to take her and I am going to stay home and unwind. I’m not an invalid. I am frustrated with her in this moment, but that doesn’t mean that I want space. I want to be fucking heard and understood. Is that such a fucking challenge? Don’t make decisions on my behalf and tell me what I’m going to do. I simply said, “What if I don’t want to stay home? Who said I wanted you to take her?” I feel like any word that comes out of my mouth lately with him or her turns into a fucking battle and I am doing my best to stay calm, act kind, and maintain my peace, but I am on the verge of losing this battle.
Sometimes I feel like I’ve been planted in a fucking country where people misinterpret everything I am saying. “Are you done with your toast?” is met with moans of anger and annoyance from my 7-year-old. Voicing my frustration about this situation to my partner leads to yet more irritation because he just doesn’t get it and makes assumptions then turns the whole thing into an argument about how he needs to go to the other house for an appointment and how I’m acting like he is going to be there all day, which is not the fucking case. I simply asked him how long his meeting was going to take and asked what time it was at. Not combative fucking questions… yet everything ends up in a fucking combat lately. I hate this family (in this moment)… or more honestly I hate the confrontation over seemingly simple things. I feel like I’m in a fucking crazy house where their sole goal is to act as illogical, stupid, and confrontational as they fucking possibly can.
Maybe it’s God testing my resolve to be a patient and kind person. Maybe this is where I let go and just let it be what it is. How they choose to act or react has no bearing on how I must behave…. And yet it’s hard. I’m fuming on the inside. A ball of tears caught in my throat and the urge to scream being deeply suppressed strongly held down so that I’m not seen as the fucking lunatic when everyone around me is acting fucking insane. I AM NOT A DOOR MAT AND I AM NOT PUTTING UP WITH SOMEONE MAKING DECISIONS FOR ME OR SOMEONE BEING RUDE ANY TIME I ASK THEM A BASIC QUESTION THAT HAS THE INTENTION OF SERVING THEM. I AM NOT THE ONE! I AM A CHILD OF GOD WHO DESERVES LOVE, RESPECT AND UNDERSTANDING.
I am so over this… I can see how tyrants turn into tyrants. They were probably trapped in situations where nobody heard them… nobody listened… nobody respected and so they became loud… they demanded to be heard… and they took respect! The pendulum swung powerfully and quickly in the other direction and the meek became the tyrant. The middle ground was ignored and both extremes were lived out. Often, this pattern is seen in people who later in life become serial killers… this strange progression of events until finally they’ve lost it and have had enough. Then they feel justified in it… feeling as though they are just getting revenge on the cruel world that harmed them.
I try to stay in the middle… I try to live my life in a balanced way. I understand that there is danger in having or being too much of anything. Steer away from lack and excess… Lack can lead to stealing and envy while excess leads to greed, drunkenness, obesity, and laziness. Better to have enough… to be comfortable, while still somewhat hungry… still slightly ambitious. To have food, but not overindulge. To have, but not too much… so that you remember to have gratitude and avoid entitlement. I think that is where joy lies… that is where the sweetness of life is. So in this moment, when I’m veering off into the extreme side of emotion, I take my butt outside, I let it all out onto the page, and I return back to the center allowing the anger to find an outlet. Back to the place where I belong, right in the middle… back into balance.
“Life is like a truffle, bite down until you find the delicious center, then enjoy!”
– Jacqueline Collet