If you’re familiar with my work, you’ll know I firmly believe that when we ask, God always answers. The most recent example of this in my own life is pretty interesting. I took my mom out for her 60th birthday to a murder mystery dinner with my fiancé and her partner. At the show, you come up with an alias and you sit at a table with other guests who all also go by an alias. There’s a theater component where they act out a murder and a story with people mixed into the audience who are part of the show. It’s a fun experience and it was our first time attending something like this.
At this dinner, this stranger by the name of “Boris” (her alias) began interrogating my fiancé and I about why we weren’t yet married, which is interesting given our long engagement and it being the evening of our 15th anniversary. I immediately felt uncomfortable, as did he and she wouldn’t let up. It was not part of the show… and became really personal really fast. I admitted that I was the reason for the lengthy engagement, atypical in most relationships so it sparks curiosity. Anyhow, that experience lingered with me through the evening and into the next day given that it was our 15th anniversary of having met. We never really make anything of when we became a couple because that just organically happened from day 1.
The following day, as I drove to church alone, I took some time to pray about the discomfort around the whole conversation and around my fear of lifelong commitment. I’ve questioned throughout my life whether human beings were meant to be monogamously coupled up with one person for most of their adult life or whether there are several people that you are meant to spend time with, learn from, and grow with on your soul development journey through life. As I’ve gotten older and more connected to my faith, I’m warming up to the one-person philosophy as being with one person over a long period of time allows you to dive deeper into yourself and another. As you grow together, you are better able to see your reflection in that person. It allows you to unveil layers of yourself to another in safety, knowing that you have their unfailing love and support. They gift you with the discovery of your blind spots so that you can heal and uncover your being to reveal more and more of the love that you truly are. I was considering commitment more deeply on my drive to church and realized that God doesn’t hold back from fully loving us. Jesus went all in.
I questioned why I was afraid of commitment and oddly enough when I got to church, the message was entitled, “The Heart of Commitment.” Thank you God for answering so quickly! My pastor has been doing a series of messages in the “Heart for the House” series geared toward igniting passion around our church since we are moving into a new building in just a couple of weeks. He wants our church to join the mission and not just be a group of people who attend on Sunday, but don’t take action to restore and heal others. Though the message has been geared toward building up and empowering the church, it answered me personally. I love how the Holy Spirit works in this way… always coming through someone or something at the exact time that you need it. When this happens, I feel so loved, heard, and blessed.
My pastor had several beautiful phrases throughout the message, but some of the key points that jumped out to me were:
That last part really spoke to me because I’ve come to understand that I may never get over my fear of commitment, but as I’ve said in other writings that pertain to more trivial things… sometimes we have to “do it scared.” Fear wants to block our blessings and keep us from the life that we are meant for. Fear wants to push away the people that love us deeply. Fear wants to hold us back from the beauty that comes with a lifelong commitment to unconditional love. Fear wants to keep us “safe” by isolating us into the tower of the castle we’ve built within our mind. As I’ve stated before, I’m finally in a place in my life where I’m becoming rather fed up with fear. It will not stop me from committing fully to love and life!
Are you failing to commit to an area of your life? Why? What stops you from going “all in”?