When I was a child, I used to have a nightmare that it was my dance recital. In this dream, I was always somehow unaware that I had lined up with the wrong class and when the time came to get on the stage and dance, I didn’t know the moves, but was supposed to. Looking back at this dream maybe this dream was pointing out my insecurity and ignorance of the dance I was meant to perform in this lifetime. Maybe it was an indicator pointing to the fact that I would never be able to perform anyone else’s dance, but that I would have to find, learn, and embrace my own for any of this life to work for me. As a child I remember feeling humiliated, unprepared, and embarrassed in this dream when the dance started. I would do my best to imitate what everyone else was doing and attempt to make it look like I belonged, but I knew I did not. I knew in my childhood innocence that I was not going to blend into this dance, which I was not trained for… despite my best efforts.
As an adult watching the Nutcracker yesterday, this dream came to mind in addition to the memories of dance class and the joy I found in dance and theater in my earlier years. Reminiscing on this dream, I see it as an early message from God communicating that I was not assigned a role that would allow me to simply “blend” in this lifetime. In starting to step into my purpose, I see that I am incredibly unique and was made to choreograph my own dance… to move to the beat of a different drum. If I try to blend and fit in to a dance that is not my own, I will always move awkwardly and out of sync. I was created to move through this world in my own way. I was not designed to merely follow the moves prepared by others. I can now see it more clearly than ever… I am not cut out to follow, but to carve my own path. I am a visionary of sorts.
As I worked in corporate America, I often became discouraged with the lack of creative insight and vision. I often cringed at the promises made to clients by each business I worked for because of the lack of processes set on the back end where fulfillment of those very same promises was to occur. I also cringed at the competitive nature of individuals primping day in and day out and pea-cocking around for the approval of their superiors. Work always felt like drudgery and if I’m being honest, I felt like some sort of indentured servant. I couldn’t call it slavery because I was being paid, but I also felt like the positions I held in corporate America were draining my soul in a similar way.
I tried to fit into that environment, wearing the business casual clothing, trying to stand out so as to look good to the boss, working my ass off for the next promotion with the goal of climbing the esteemed corporate ladder. I don’t feel that it’s a coincidence that the first place I’d worked after college was bought out by a larger organization and began laying off people in droves. I was not laid off, but the additional workload and impossible position I was put in after the sale, left me seeking a new position. I ended up getting hired by the large high-pressure client that I was servicing in my prior role. Looking back, I don’t know what I was thinking. Had I been more introspective and thoughtful in my decisions at the time, I might have realized that the demanding client that was making my life a living hell wouldn’t be much different if I were working for them. I went from being the bullied to working for the bullies. After a year, I found employment in the same type of corporate atmosphere closer to home, which was good for about 2 years and then they moved my job off to Orlando. FL and Norfolk, VA. Finally, I wound up at a small technology consulting firm, which will be my final job in “corporate America.” I’ve finally smartened up and realized that there is a reason that each job I’ve held since college hasn’t exactly been a “dream” or worked out. In learning to listen to the universe, I am finally understanding that it has been speaking to me for quite some time now telling me through my emotions in each job and through the circumstances that have forced me to change positions each time that this environment is not where I belong.
When I was dancing the wrong dance in my life, I was good at compartmentalizing. I didn’t really feel like one integrated person. I would put my “work face” on Monday through Friday. I would put my weekend face on at close of business on Friday. I would throw my “wife” and “mom” hat on when at home. When the stress became too much at times, my “wild child” hat went on and I detached completely from any of the other roles I had in exchange for some destructive behaviors… Being about a year removed from this person, I now feel bad for her. She was one hurting individual numbing herself out from her life because she couldn’t admit to herself that the life she held was not meant for her.
When we are attempting to dance the wrong dance, we allow our life to become something that doesn’t reflect who we are and what our soul wants. It literally makes us sick. Because we can’t own up to our part in the situation, we numb ourselves as an escape from the life we’ve created for ourselves. Numbing doesn’t always have to be extreme. It doesn’t have to be the typical drugs, alcohol, obsessive eating, sexual promiscuity, etc. It really can be anything that is used as an “escape.” Workaholics use work as an escape from their personal lives much of the time. Although working a lot is esteemed in this society, it can really be detrimental to the soul if the reason one works is to avoid another area of their life that they are not willing to face. For example, many couples use movies and tv as a mechanism to avoid having to really sit and communicate with one another. The screen is an escape from intimacy. I realized shortly after my world came crashing down that I was using positive behaviors like reading the Bible and meditation as avoidance mechanisms. I didn’t want to really see and work through the destruction I’d brought upon myself and my family at the time, so I focused heavily on healing me, which was beneficial and what I’d needed so desperately in many ways, but at the time it was also a numbing mechanism. Although it was a much healthier mechanism, I was still running from that which I did not want to see.
The goal of our lives should be to stop running and to remove the numbing mechanisms. The goal of my life now is to be fully integrated. What this means is to “see all of me” and “love all of me.” If there is an area that I don’t love, the goal is to make incremental changes so that I can begin to love this aspect of my life. I no longer drink. I do not do drugs. I do not use unhealthy actions or substances as a means to detach from my life. I still love to read, meditate, and do yoga, but am aware of when and why I am doing them. It is no longer to avoid discomfort in my relationship or in my life, but to sustain and grow in my own personal well-being. I am more comfortable having conversations that would previously be considered uncomfortable and avoidance worthy. I realize that it is better to face the pain of a situation head on and get through it rather than run from it. Running from it is like running through a tiny dark corridor full of breakables with 10 large suitcases or backpacks tethered to your person expecting that nothing is going to crumble to the floor. When we’re running from our issues or the pain of something that has happened to us in the past, we are carrying all our baggage down a slender hallway of breakables. The breakables are the people we are interacting with as we carry all our baggage. When we’re hurting, we have the tendency to break and damage others, whether consciously or accidentally. Try running down a small corridor of glass objects with 10 large bags tethered to you and see if you make it through without breaking something. I’m willing to bet that you won’t despite your best efforts to contain your baggage to yourself.
There is a reason in spirituality that the phrase “letting go” is used often. When we’re able to start looking through the various bags that we’re carrying, start to unpack, and eventually put them down, we become lighter and freer allowing our souls to soar. We are no longer using our energy to carry 100lbs of luggage that we don’t need. Instead we are using our energy to nurture ourselves and others. We’re using the energy to make choices that help lift us and others up. We use the energy to build lives we love and serve others either directly or indirectly with the joy and light that emanates from our being. As we release the baggage, the slim hallway starts to feel roomier and we can move freely without fear that something might break. It’s still the same hallway full of breakables, but now it doesn’t feel so narrow because we’ve slimmed down and are only carrying what we need… ourselves!
I urge you if you are feeling like you are out on a stage with performers who are doing a dance that you don’t know to reconsider the dance you are attempting to do. If you feel heavy and weighed down by your life, I urge you to start looking at the bags that you are carrying. Begin to unpack and shed some of that weight. It won’t be easy at times, but I promise you it won’t be as hard as you imagine it to be and will be so worth it when you can finally walk freely down that hallway without fear. Instead, you’ll have the ability to move gracefully, in total freedom bringing your own light down what was previously that dark corridor.
What dance are you attempting to do that may be wrong for you? What signs have you seen that denote that you may be off beat? What bag is it time for you to unpack and release?
Share your journey in the comments section.