Desire… is it the path you were meant to be on calling out to you telling you to move closer or is it the voice of Satan tempting you into the depths of hell? I recently went to see Hadestown and that play portrays the best and worst of desire. At its best, it leads to the bliss of two people falling madly in love with one another. At its worst, it leads away from love and into the depths of hell where one becomes blinded to the blessings they have and finds themselves making choices that lead them further away from the bliss they so desperately craved.
Desire… the double-edged sword one must learn how to wield if one is going to become a powerful and successful force in this lifetime. When is it ok to follow it and when should you reconsider? Honestly, I’m still working on figuring this out for myself as it’s been calling out to me these days. I’ve been restraining it, but when restrained it has a habit of growing louder. It’s always when you feel you’re lacking something that life offers you that thing you are lacking and says, “Here you go… but there may be a cost attached.” Oh, the lovely opportunity cost that causes you to lose when you gain. It’s always the balance of figuring out whether you want to play the game. Do I risk losing A to gain B? Are the odds in my favor? Risk… that trickly little bitch who leaves some frozen while others jump in and drown… yet others know how to swim and are masters at calculating risk. They’ve mastered her game and come out ahead more times than not.
Admittedly, I’m not the greatest when it comes to risk. I tend to straddle the fence. I flirt with playing but find myself on the sidelines fantasizing about what it might be like to play the game and about every outcome imaginable. Sometimes, it seems that fantasizing is what I’m drawn to. This life of nonreality where I don’t really have to see what happens, but can build worlds in my mind experimenting with what may happen. Whether this is a gift or a curse, I’m not entirely sure. Maybe it’s the stuff that great writers and creative geniuses are made of… not that I am either, but it would make sense that these individuals spend a lot of time in their imaginations. Or, maybe it’s the stuff that cowards are made of… always too scared to just jump in and take the outcome, whatever it may be. Like everything, there is no real answer, just a matter of how you choose to see it… a matter of perspective.
Perspective, another tricky little bitch… is there really a “right way” to see the world or is all vision valid? Is the “right way” only dependent upon the outcome and then I guess how do you make “right” decisions when you never know the outcome prior to the decision? Another catch 22 that gets many caught in her snare… landing in the place of stillness, not moving one way or the other, but stuck in their minds pondering instead. There is a Rumi quote that I have on my refrigerator that reminds me, “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” Each time I get so stuck in thought considering whether a potential action is the “right action” I hear this quote ringing in my head, that maybe there is no wrongdoing or right doing, maybe as in the Bhagavad Gita, we are all just God’s actors and actresses playing out the grand performance of what it means to be alive and the many possibilities that comes with that experience. Some of us will be granted the role of hero, while others of us the role of villain. The roles are beyond our control but assigned by the director. None of the roles really have any meaning anyhow because behind whatever role we are playing, we are always just life playing itself out behind the mask of the role we are assigned.
Yet, my Catholic upbringing is always hell-bent on making “right” choices. The little voice within me always saying, but wait, what if this leads to harm to yourself or someone else… slow down and consider. Slow down and think some more. Yet sometimes, thinking becomes heavy and weighs me down so much so that I feel frozen in it, looking at myself in the same place and wondering if I’m really truly living… experiencing everything this world has to offer when each day contains more of the same. Work, family, dinner, sleep… on repeat. Sometimes I sit here and question whether always trying to make the “right” choice has paid off. Do I really feel happier as a result? Do I really feel like my life is more fulfilling because of it? Sometimes I feel I’ve gotten tickets to the best buffet and have chosen to eat only white rice. While white rice is good, it lacks flavor and excitement.
At the same time, I’ve witnessed people who live a life filled with the drama of their own making, and their lives are filled with much suffering and lack of respect. My father was one of those people. My fiancé’s mother was one of those people. Our partnership shares that commonality. They chased the next good time… money… and ran from the responsibility of making “right choices.” Where did it get them? It got them an early death and left a legacy of children who didn’t respect the person they were because of their choices. I fear being that person… and so the pendulum swung in the opposite direction. However, in my experience, after all of my pondering, I think that the joy of life is most likely found in the center… finding healthy ways in which to be spontaneous and explore while maintaining enough stability to feel safe. After all, safety is paramount… humans cannot experience much joy without it.