If you read yesterday’s blog post, you’ll note that I received a revelation about pride being at the root of some of my problems as they relate to my dissatisfaction with some of the individuals I work with. Oddly enough, as I wound down yesterday evening and chose to continue the book that I was reading, I was again “spoken to.” I’m currently reading, “Letting Go, a Pathway to Surrender” by David R. Hawkins, M.D. Ph.D. Not so surprisingly, guess what the chapter after the one that I’d finished was entitled. Yes, you guessed it, “Pride.” Many would say, that’s just a coincidence, but as a believer, there simply are no coincidences as far as I am concerned. I truly believe that the universe/God always speaks to us, but far too often most are not listening until the voice has come through like a tidal wave knocking one’s entire life off course.
Before I went to sleep, I looked up a meditation on You Tube for “Letting go of pride” and I realized that there aren’t many, but I did come across an interesting video entitled, “Two Ways to Kill Your Pride”. One of the suggestions was to actively serve others and take a role as a servant in order to grow in humility (the opposite of pride). The other was to meditate on God and how He alone is the reason for anything you have, which will stop you in your tracks when you begin to experience pride.
As I closed my eyes and attempted to fall asleep. I received another “Ah ha” moment. I realized that the story of Joseph in Genesis has a strong “pride” warning attached to it that had not really jumped out at me previously. In the story we see Joseph is disliked by his brothers because he is gifted by God with the ability to read dreams. I thought it was more of a warning against what jealousy does to people, but seeing this story from an alternate perspective, I can now see that Joseph had most likely become somewhat prideful around his gifting. Having several older brothers, I think he probably felt the need to prove himself and earn his brothers’ love because they hated him for being favored by their father. He probably incorrectly thought that by impressing them with his dreams, they would see him as an asset and value him more. His brothers, because of their jealousy, end up selling him into slavery where he eventually winds up in prison, but then becomes 2nd to the king. As I think about this, maybe God detoured Joseph’s course because he needed to “knock the pride out of Joseph” to make him suitable for the role that He designed him to play in the world. It is hard to serve the masses when you believe you are better than them.
Today, I was more aware as a result of recent nudgings to look at myself more closely. I realized that some of the things I do are driven primarily by pride. For instance, there is this time tracking policy where we literally have to track every little thing that we do for each client in the Microsoft CRM system where I currently work. If you’ve read my “Lost on the Journey” post, you’ll realize that things like this are one of the things I simply despise as an independent spirit. I could go on and on here about micro-managing and things I have grown to loathe about corporate life, but I will digress here to stay on course. I silently fought this by not doing it for quite some time, but we now have an interim CEO (long story) and my manager basically indicated that we really needed to make sure the records were complete because she was pulling reports this evening for him. I took this as a friendly “heads up” to get mine in so I don’t “look bad” to the “big guy.”
Anyhow, as I was creating all my records and diligently documenting everything I’d done for every client in the month of November and started talking to my fiancé’. I caught myself midstream in a sea of pride and realized that pride is really quite a sad state and I felt great compassion for myself. In my heightened awareness of this issue, I caught myself saying, “I’ve literally spent like 6 hours on this so far, which is just one of the reasons why I think that this task is completely idiotic. However, in a sense it’s a good thing, because then they’ll see just how much I do. So whatever, I’ll do it. It will only make me look good.”
Then my higher self, in witness to these statements took a deep breath and said, “Whoa… pay attention. This is what God is telling you.” In that moment, I realized that I feel the need to prove myself. It has always been this way since I can remember. I realized that pride is not conceit or vanity, but a constant feeling of having to “PRove I DEserve” and doing things louder and striving to be better than others as a result. Seeing pride in this way today really made me sad and made me ask myself why after all of the worshiping, spiritual reading, praying, and affirmations, I still feel as though I have to prove I am worthy. It made me realize that I am still not in a place where I fully love and accept myself fully as much as I have the head knowledge to know I am a child of God and simply the fact that I am living makes me worthy in God’s eyes.
Later today, I went to spa yoga, which is a really meditative and relaxation-based practice. I felt the tears ready to flow as I was doing a full body stretch and heard my higher self saying, “You’re always reaching and always stretching to gain approval and acknowledgment. You don’t need it.” Yoga is a really deep practice. For me it provides space where I sometimes gain deep insights into myself. Only a week or so ago, I realized that I didn’t trust myself enough while attempting to do the “half moon” asana (body posture for the non-yogi readers). Today, I gained insight into the fact that many of us who struggle with pride are like the little monkey wind up toys clanging the drum as we strut around. We strut around loudly, performing for others because somewhere within ourselves, we don’t feel we are deserving.
When I look at our president from this perspective, I can now see him with much more compassion. It makes me realize that he feels he must be so bold and dare I say, obnoxious, because he may be a broken little boy on the inside clamoring for his parents’ attention. While I’m still praying for healing in this area, I’m grateful for the awareness that has been brought to me concerning this. I know I need to love myself more and embrace my inherent worth, but I’m still learning how. I’m still, and most likely always will be a work in progress.
Can you relate? Where have you been prideful? How has it impacted your life? Please share your thoughts so that we may advance on this journey together.