Usually, when I write, I come from an uplifted place of inspiration, but today I find myself struggling to find my bliss. I dropped my daughter off at school this morning and had to intentionally start saying all of the small things I was grateful for. I started recounting the many things, our health, our home, our car, the ability to think, the ability to walk, my body that supports me, the beauty of the autumn leaves around me, etc. I found that this worked on my ride home and then when I arrived home and sat down at my computer to begin my work, the negative emotions just came flooding right back again. Instantaneously, I was overwhelmed with disdain and dread for the day ahead. The angry clients came flooding in and forced their way into my energy field.
As much as I’ve read about how important it is to protect my energy and my mind from negative influences, sometimes I realize I fail at this. I’ve been so focused on changing my mindset about a lot of things this year and feel that I’ve even tried to think of my job in positive ways. Afterall it is the means to an end. I can feel financially secure because of this job. I can buy food for my family and even splurge on things like taking day trips to amusement parks with my daughter along with the annual vacation. I have never really had to worry about money because I’ve always been blessed to find gainful employment. However, I’ve never truly loved my work and that continues to bother me. I feel there must be more!
When I feel bothered by this, there is a part of me that feels ungrateful. After all, I am lucky to make the money I make. Maybe I am being ungrateful because I want more. Though, isn’t that what faith is for? Isn’t faith the ability to be where we are at any given time and trust that there is more, that things will work out for our good, that our dreams can come true, that we will be taken care of, that we do have purpose, that our lives have meaning, etc. I find that sometimes I find myself straddling the fence of being grateful for where I am and what I have and feeling like I need to make a change… to attempt for more.
This year I’m learning more and more about faith and have felt a pull to do something different in my work, though I am not 100% sure of what that looks like, I do feel that writing and psychology keep calling to me. Friends who know I enjoy writing have randomly reminded me to write more often when I’ve been on a hiatus. Family members have told me that I should seriously consider going back to school for psychology because I have a sense of knowing and reading into people. I have always enjoyed listening to other people talk more than I’ve enjoyed being the person talking. As a child, I remember being around a lot of adults while they were conversing and just taking it all in. As a child, I was often told that I was “mature for my age” because I understood a lot about life at a young age. Mostly, because I’ve always been very observant when it comes to people and reading between the lines to understand what they are saying and sometimes what they are not. At a Christian women’s retreat, the speaker told me that I was great at connecting concepts to people’s stories and piecing things together as evidenced by a conversation we’d had one evening with another attendee of the retreat.
More and more, as I delve into who I am and what I am here for, I feel more and more strongly that I need to change direction. I’ve prayed on it and asked God to lead me to what my calling is and in faith I believe that the discomfort and frustration I am feeling in my current role is with purpose. After all, how long does one sit and try to change their mind about their circumstance before they realize that the circumstance is the problem and not their mind. I’ve lately been questioning how we know which the problem is. In coming to understand that a lot of life is mental, I know that the outside world/circumstance is often not the problem. Your perception of the world/circumstance is, but is this always the case?
Last night, I’d watched a documentary film entitled, “The Last Shaman” This could explain the funk that I am in today. The film was about a man who came from an affluent family of psychiatrists and had the privilege of going to the best school in the country, yet he felt dead inside. He expressed his suicidal tendencies and explained that he just simply wanted to feel, to be human. He goes off in search of his own healing. After trying traditional therapy in the United States, he ventures off to Peru where he goes on a journey in search of spiritual healing and sees several shamans as a “last resort.” Several of the things he stated within the film, I can fully relate to. Finally, while in Peru, he finds a Shaman who helps him start to feel whole again.
Several things struck me while watching this film. (1) It wasn’t until he changed his environment that he found his healing (2) Traditional routes to wholeness did not work for him (3) The drugs prescribed in the U.S. just made him feel more numb and did not help (4) There is no magic pill for wellness (5) He had to really remember and make a mends with his past. It was the lack of acceptance and love from his father that he realized impacted his life so negatively as an adult. (6) The person who left such an impact on him didn’t do so intentionally (7) Spirit was called upon to assist in his healing (8) It wasn’t until he believed in the possibility of becoming well that he started becoming well. #8 is critical and I feel that I’m at a juncture in my life where I have really started to turn the tide on the level of belief that I have in myself and the plan for my life.
As I sit here in this career rut, making good money, but feeling unfulfilled and pretty unhappy with my current position, I’m starting to see that uncertainty and fear are holding me here. On one hand, I want to continue making the money I am making. On the other hand, I don’t want to do what I’m doing any longer, but because I’m experienced in this area, there is a part of me that believes the only way I can continue making the money I am making is to continue doing what I am doing. My fiancé’ had a good analogy today. He said something to the effect of, “Think about transgendered individuals who feel that they’re born into the wrong body. If they sit in limbo, being in one body, but not feeling like that is truly who they are, they are pretty miserable. Those that take the leap and go all the way with gender reassignment often find themselves to be happier post-surgery.” Sometimes he truly is profound! It made me realize that I must pick a direction and roll with it. Seems to me, that I must sacrifice the earnings short term to move into something that I love. Then maybe, the money will be born out of the love and passion for what I’m doing and if it doesn’t, at least I’ll be in alignment… living a life full of meaning and joy doing what I love.