Overwhelm is not such a bad thing. As I sit here and reflect on this past week, I am overwhelmed by feelings of love and gratitude. To give this post some context, the past few weeks have been hard. I went on vacation and experienced the joy of freedom and independence in a way that I hadn’t felt in my adult life, which sent me on a bit of a downward spiral when I returned home. It wasn’t only these feelings I was coping with, but feelings of overwhelm from taking 3 days off and returning to work when the vacation had ended. To give you a bit of background, I work in the insurance industry building systems for various large clients with thousands of employees, managers, CEO’s, etc. who have line of sight into everything I do. If there is a mistake on my side, everyone sees it and the emails and phone calls come flooding in. Not to mention, this time of year is insane with deadlines and details. It’s hard to keep my brain from overloading and breaking down with the workload at this time of year, but I had a wedding to go to for a friend who has always felt more like family and I wasn’t going to miss it.
Coming back to life after a brief vacation from my reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I was in a state of grief… grieving the sunshine and warmth, grieving the independence, grieving the freedom to enjoy the day rather than staring at a screen for 10-12 hours a day, grieving the cleanliness of the spaces in which I stayed, etc. As a result, I was less than easy to be around. My poor family must have felt like I hated them and the life I’d created with them. While this was not my intent, I had to be honest with myself. This vacation opened my eyes to the way I wished life could be and the grief I experienced was the grief of failed dreams to some extent.
I know, I know, you’re probably wondering where the feelings of love and gratitude are that I led with on this post… they’re coming, I promise. It’s easy to get caught up in our existence and the way things are so much so that we forget what they could be and I think that’s where this vacation really gave me some insight. I realized more deeply that there are certain things in my life that I’ve simply accepted, but that I don’t really like. For instance, I really dislike that my home often feels like a state of chaos. As an introvert, I thrive in quiet, clean spaces. Yet, more often than not, there are random objects that land in the living room that don’t make their way back into my daughter’s room, mail sits on the table for days too long, otherwise known as there isn’t a space for everything, and everything isn’t in its space. Sometimes I feel as if I’m being weighed down by the burden of the stuff that lives with me in this house. In fact, I am as I recently discovered.
In addition, I realized how much I missed spending time with certain people and how important intimacy and closeness are in relationships. Being with my cousins and friends made me realize how deeply lonely I am at home at times. It made me face the fact that I’ve allowed my partner and child to monopolize my life and have not made adequate space for deep personal relationships that I now realize I so desperately crave and miss. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family dearly, but I can see clearly how important maintaining my autonomy is to me. I need to have close relationships outside of my family in order to be my best self and I need to be better at nurturing these connections and growing new relationships so that love flourishes around me.
There is something about grief that always brings clarity. I’ve always known it but was reminded of it while talking to a friend of mine while watching our children play on the playground. She recently lost her father and I’ve felt her presence after this experience. I intuitively had a knowing of the space she was in, this space of profound peace and clarity that allows one to see the glory of life in everything. I’m blessed that I’ve gotten to share in this experience (to a degree) with her because this energy has seemingly rubbed off on me. As we were talking about life, loss, Spirit, and the energy that never stops moving through and around us, we were both gifted with a small prism/rainbow up above. For me, this is a symbol of God’s promise, a reminder that God is still with me, even when I don’t always feel this presence tangibly. I’ve just gone through a valley where I’ve struggled to feel connected to presence.
I’m at the tail end of this grieving process and as grief always promises, I now have deeper insight that will serve me moving forward. As I shut down my computer after another extremely difficult day at work on Friday (of course no sooner than 7:30/8pm – after putting in what seems to be my standard 12 hours these days), I sat on the couch and hugged my daughter. I’ve hugged my daughter a lot over her life, but this hug was different. I was so fully present for this hug and so desperately needed to fill my cup back up with love that this hug was everything I’d needed in that moment and was so deeply felt. All the love I hold for her just came up and I felt really connected to her. This hug, as silly as it may sound, really spoke to my soul, and reminded me of the healing power of love. Something so simple as taking the time to be 100% with someone who brings joy to your life magically can rebalance you and make you see the good in your life again.
It seems that since I’ve had the blessing of that hug and realigned my priorities once again, I’ve had more blessings. My mother took me to see the most beautiful show I’ve ever seen, HadesTown. The music, the story, the choreography, and the depth were beyond words. We shared coffee in a really cute café followed by lunch together at an amazing restaurant. It had been a long time since we’d taken a day trip together and again, I felt as though life were once again teaching me of the importance of recognizing the love I am always surrounded by and gratitude for those I’ve been blessed to walk with in this life.
I got a haircut on Sunday… the first one I’d gotten in a couple of years because I’ve been focused on letting my hair grow and as a curly girl, I’ve never really gotten a haircut that I felt in love with. I decided to treat myself with a birthday gift and splurged for a $100 haircut at a salon known for its ability to work with curly hair. I am so happy that I did because I am really pleased with the result. For the first time in my life, I’m actually happy with the haircut I received. The stylist was also such a beautiful person who seemed to love what she did. She owned the salon and really knew her stuff after spending over 10 years furthering her knowledge and expertise of all things curly hair related. I was so deeply touched by this gift she gave me and already scheduled my appointment for January.
I’m realizing more deeply the importance of self-care and staying in my spiritual practices. When I allow the scales to tip away from these important rituals in my life, I feel so unbalanced, and my mind has a field day crazy-making and weighing itself down with thoughts of despair and hatred. When I make it a point to pause, reset, and restore I’m blessed by the gifts that life is always trying to give. I see the love being offered by those around me more clearly and can give more love in return. I can prioritize what is important and create space for that in my life. I am consistently blessed by each occurrence in life, by the lessons that the tough seasons like grief hold, and by the sacred gift of love that shows its face in everything when we are willing to take responsibility for cleansing our lens so we can see it all clearly. As I sit here in a place of clarity, I’m overwhelmed by the number of people (some who I have kept in touch with through the years and others who have distanced through no real fault of anyone’s) who took the time to reach out and wish me a happy birthday and by the love those closest to me have shown me. I’m so grateful that I have been placed in this space and time with all of the lessons, blessings, and unfolding that are mine.