I feel like I’m failing. Like a child throwing a tantrum, I am screaming at the top of my lungs within my being, “THIS ISN’T FAIR!” As if the universe really cares… as my mother always said, “Life isn’t fair.” I’m struggling with balancing my parental responsibilities with working full time from home this week. It’s been really busy and I’ve been forced to ignore my daughter pretty much all day while I’m fulfilling my work responsibilities, which makes me feel just plain awful. She’s 7 and at the age where I am still her best friend. As an only child, I’m the person she looks to for conversation, entertainment, love, direction, etc. I’m still her whole world and when I’m forced to basically neglect her due to this pandemic school closure, I feel shitty. I feel as though the most important job I have is being forsaken for the sake of earning a living in these uncertain times.
Many would look at this conundrum as silly, especially those who are dealing with financial woes due to the economic uncertainty that is plaguing our nation right now. However, it makes me question where my priorities are. I know I feel awful because I’m placing my priority on the wrong thing right now. My inner self is sadly shaking her head at me all day because she knows where her heart lies and it certainly isn’t with her employer. As I solve problem after problem at work, I don’t feel a sense of fulfillment, but a sense of failure as I look up from my screen and see my 7 year old forced to be pretty much independent as I keep on keeping on. My heart feels heavy right now.
While I have a partner, he’s still working outside of the home so it’s just my daughter and I all day long. If I were wealthy, I would hire someone to spend time with her while I worked. Scratch that! I would take this time off to be with her and give her the attention that she deserves, but that isn’t our lot. We are a middle-class family who both have to work for a living. This pandemic is impacting everyone. I know I’m not alone, though right now it feels like it. Right now, I just want to have a pity party for myself, scream, and cry at the unfairness of this situation. Things were easier when schools were open. I could work all day without this overwhelming guilt knowing that my daughter was receiving attention and socializing with her peers all day while I did what I needed to do for our family.
I feel like someone with ADHD these days. My head is spinning and as my head spins, my stress mounts, and when the stress mounts I’m not the most pleasant person to be around. Little things set me off more quickly… like my daughter pouring the detergent in the softener slot on accident (happened only moments ago while she was helping me load the washer). This multi-tasking life is a crock and is not healthy by any means. I am waiving the white flag… I cannot do it all and am left picking and choosing. Do I try to do my best at my job to secure my position in these tumultuous times or do I give my child the attention that she deserves?
Mom minds are interesting in that we have this script that runs in our head that goes something like, “These other mom’s are making arts and crafts with their kids, baking, singing songs, playing games, etc. and my kid’s over here watching way too much tv and eating snacks while I plug away at my computer in the name of earning a living. I’m a failure!” I’ve been working on my self-talk, but today is a day where the demon is coming out to play with this self-defeating chatter and it’s kicking my ass. Writing is always my tool for self-reflection. It’s where I’m able to see things more clearly and I’m realizing that it’s this chatter that is making me feel insignificant, not enough, and horrible. I’m making a tough situation worse with this script and I need to flip it. I need to start thinking something like, “My child gets to see what a strong work ethic looks like. She gets to see what it means to be a woman who works and has children. She gets to see her mother learn, solve problems, and grow. She’ll understand that life doesn’t always revolve around her and that’s a good thing. She’s also learning what sacrifice looks like and love entails sacrifice (as we’ve learned from Jesus).”
She knows I don’t want to be working and that I would rather be spending time with her, snuggling on the couch and watching movies, reading books, or really anything else. She also knows that in order to provide a roof over her head, food in our fridge, and clothes on our backs we need money and money is earned through work. I’m doing my best and I get to decide if that is good enough. After working this through in this writing, I’m deciding it is.
How do you make yourself feel bad? What would it feel like to choose an alternative? What scripts do you get trapped in? Is it time to tear them up and write new ones?