Perfectionism, the beast that refuses to die within me. It’s the sneaky one who takes me out when I least expect it and hits me with the sucker punch more often than I’d like to admit. It’s the demon that I can never seem to spot right away. Most times it’s dragging me into its demonic lair before I finally realize what’s happening. During Saturday’s Baptiste Journey to Power yoga session, I found myself overwhelmed with frustration and I believe it was due to perfectionism although it could have been locked up emotions finding their way out and releasing. Either way it was a beautifully positive experience.
As I found myself unable to balance during the equanimity/balance portion of the class, I became irritated. I felt my breath release in exasperation and my eyes roll as I fell out of the posture once again. “Why can’t you do this? You know you can do this! You’ve done it so many times before!” This was my internal dialogue. As I sunk into child’s pose to reset my thoughts and ground my energy, I recognized that the beast had once again attacked. Amid difficulty, out came the perfectionism that I’d thought I had let go of. Frustrated with myself I began looking around at others holding steady, which then caused me to feel insufficient.
It’s no wonder that the 10 commandments warn about coveting (yearning to possess others or have what they have). It’s a recipe for disaster and we always seem to do it in moments when we are feeling deficient in some way. It’s as though the feeling of lack isn’t enough, we then have to glower over at someone who has and fuel ourselves with lack’s best friend, jealousy. Jealousy and lack then get together and throw a party in the attic of our minds and they leave the place trashed!
I was grateful that I pulled myself together rather quickly and met the Earth for a “come to Jesus” moment. It was here I had to say, “Self, let it go… it’s just a posture. It’s just your time to “play” in your body. It’s just practice. Here is your opportunity to reset and come back to love. Enjoy, relax, and let this frustration fly out the door it came in… throw both lack and jealousy along with perfection out of that attic before they have a chance to make a mess.” (The conversation didn’t go exactly like this, but sort of. The attic and party idea came to me as I was writing this. Thanks, divine insight!)
The reason I practice yoga is because it has been an excellent tool to cultivate more self-awareness, which is what it’s really all about. When we can see the thoughts that come to throw our lives off track as they enter, we can choose to let them out before they decide to rave. It’s like a potential tenant for an apartment you own shows up and says, “I often have loud fights with my partner. I stomp around as a result and sometimes like to throw things, which sometimes makes holes in the walls. Also, part of the reason we fight is because I like to get wasted and tend to spill when I’m intoxicated. That red wine I drink is going to make stains all over the carpet, which you’ll have to replace when I move. Oh, and I also fail to pay the rent most months.” If you knew this in advance, you would never rent the place out to them. Yet, we often rent space in our minds to the very “tenants” that wreak havoc on our lives.
Wisdom is learning what tenants to welcome and what ones not to. As we grow spiritually, we get better at knowing which tenants are going to make our lives better and which are going to make a mess of the place. I’m learning, but I’ll tell you the disguises they wear sometimes make it slightly challenging. Every now and then the unwanted tenants try creeping in through the back door while I’m trying to entertain prospective good tenants at the front door. I haven’t quite figured out how to put a lock on the back door yet, but am getting better at noticing when they’ve arrived and politely directing them out, “Sir, I’m sorry, but I’m in the middle of something right now. You’ll have to leave.”
I’m getting better able to spot potential destruction to my Spirit before it does too much damage and identify more clearly who I want to rent my space to. Is it a perfect science? Not yet, is it a work in progress… absolutely! Am I committed to working for progress? 100%. The territory is too beautiful and important not to!