It’s frustrating when someone says they will do something and then they don’t. This one thing cuts through me like a knife. If you want to irritate me, tell me you are going to do something and then fail to do it. I think I’m a pretty easy person to live with. I don’t ask for a lot. When you volunteer to help out in some way and then don’t, it’s basically like you lied to my face for no reason at all. For me, it as a form of betrayal and deceit.
I know everything that bothers me has power over me because of a wound that resides within me that I haven’t yet healed. I know that this particular irritation has the power to deeply impact me because it drags up the places in my life where I’ve felt betrayed in some way. It brings up wounds caused by lies… people who I’d thought were friends or lovers who hurt me in some way. A simple thing like saying you’ll do the dishes and then not following through results in my temper flaring because I fear that it’s happening again. Another person letting me down. (This isn’t something I consciously do, but rather something that is playing out in my subconscious within a split second. It is only by knowing who we are that we can begin to recognize what is happening.)
While I’m fuming and spiraling into annoyance and anger about the dishes, know that it isn’t just the dishes. It’s that I trust you when you tell me you’ll do something. I believe you. When you fail to follow through, it reminds me of all the other times I believed someone when they acted like they cared for me only to be let down when they left or hurt me in some way.
As a girl who has deep abandonment issues from an absent father, I don’t have the tolerance anymore for being let down. It may seem insane that I’m losing my mind and going 0 to 100 over a stack of dishes, but it isn’t about the dishes at all. It’s the inner child within me lashing out because she feels the fear, sadness, hurt, and anger of situations past. It’s my ego trying to protect her from being a victim once again by letting you know that it is not acceptable to say something and not follow through.
My ego is simply my armor that attempts to shield me from any further emotional hurt. It’s the misguided part of me that seeks to push you away before you are able to let me down. It’s the loud voice that abounds when I feel threatened in some way. It is not the dishes. It is that those dishes triggered me to protect myself and take a stand because a small part of my subconscious took those dishes as a direct affront and as a sign that the betrayals of the past were happening again. I know this sounds insane and it is, though it is how each one of us operates. Often, we aren’t responding to what is happening in the present moment, but rather to what has happened to us in the past.
This is why many spiritual teachers speak of the “present moment” being key to enlightenment. When we allow the ego to act out of hurts from the past, we fail to seize the moment and we allow it to be thrown away. When we can remain present, we realize that we are safe and there is no attack. There is no threat to who we are. There is nothing to be disturbed about. When we lose presence, we lose our power to access our highest self. We cut off the choice to act in a loving and peaceful manner and instead allow ourselves to react in frustration, which usually causes defensiveness and anger in the other person. Instead of spreading kindness, we spread disease.
It is critical to know yourself deeply in order that you may act out of love. Any hurt or unresolved issue within yourself manifests in this world as “evil.” As you lash out on those you love about trivial things, the devil wins. Relationships grow distant. Resentment grows. Guilt occurs. Shame abounds. Depression takes hold and all we begin to see within our collective society is darkness and isolation.
It won’t be until people can look at the man in the mirror as Michael Jackson once said that this world will have any chance of becoming heaven. It is for this reason that I extend myself as a servant to help others understand themselves more deeply. When you understand yourself, you now have the power to choose. With the power to choose, you more often than not will choose to act in ways that are advantageous not only to yourself, but to others.
I’m convinced that nobody wants to suffer the guilt caused by hurting others. I’m convinced that all of us want to live a life that brings our self and others happiness and that we all want love to be the result of our actions. As we become more self-aware, we also decide that we want love to be the cause of our actions and start to feel disappointed when we find ourselves imprisoned by a past wound. As Maya Angelou states, “When you know better, do better.” I want to help you know better so that you do better. When we do better, then we’ll see the world become better.
When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. If you’ve been led to this article, know that I’m here.