The end of a 30 year marriage doesn’t just happen in a split second. It happens slowly day by day and year by year due to lack of compassion, understanding, and love. For example, when one partner chooses to work weekends while the other partner craves quality time and prioritizes family above all else it puts a small hole in the “ship” of the relationship. That small hole may not make much of a difference initially as the crew occasionally just wipes away the little bit of water that they find in one of the cabins as they see it. Yet as small pin holes continue to be made, sometimes in that same cabin, the infiltration of water into the ship becomes more of a problem until eventually, 30 years down the road, the captain and first mate look at each other in the midst of dealing with the water, which is now up to their knees and they realize they’re going down and there is no more ship all because they stopped relating.
It’s the little daily choices that go into the decimation of a relationship in most cases. It’s often the decision to take a stressful job, prioritizing friends over the partnership, choosing to leave when asked to stay, buying the big house that puts financial strain causing both partners to have to spend more time away from each other slaving along in society to afford the lifestyle they thought was important, choosing to have another drink/turn on the tv/work late/etc. instead of leaning into presence and vulnerability with your partner, and most importantly choosing to avoid the emotional challenges that arise rather than dealing with them together with love, understanding, compromise, and compassion. It’s forgetting that the relationship is not supposed to be a win/lose, but a win/win. It’s taking things personally when emotions are expressed. Its not being sensitive to your partner’s emotions when they take the vulnerable step of letting you in. It’s not being humble enough to own and apologize for your part in hurt feelings. It’s being too stubborn or prideful to forgive. Every choice we make without consciously prioritizing the health of our relationship ultimately winds up in destruction, often one seemingly small pinhole poked into the “ship” each time any one of these occurs.
When the first mate and captain notice they have a water problem, they often resort to blaming one another, “You were supposed to maintain this part of the ship,” says the captain to the first mate. “That wasn’t my understanding. As the captain, you are responsible,” retorts the first mate. Back and forth the blame flies as often seen in divorce proceedings. Both parties hung up on protecting their own innocence in the situation and nobody bothering to start bailing the water out of the ship. Often, before it gets to this point, there is an avoidance of any serious issues. “Did you see the water on the floor in cabin 4?” says the captain. “It must’ve been from when I’d showered… no big deal,” replies the first mate. The captain is appeased by this response, not wanting to say anything further and “rock the boat.” Nobody questions the slow leaking into the ship until it’s too much to bare and starts causing some serious problems.
At this point, both parties are so deep in water that they can’t simply patch up one hole and have the ship be good as new. If they’re willing to work on it, it takes a lot of effort and time bail out the water, repair the old holes and prevent new ones from being created. Learning how to be sensitive to old wounds takes time. New situations seem to agitate them. For instance, a partner who has been cheated on, will often struggle with trust issues even when the partner is faithful and honest. A wrapper on the floor that slightly resembles the shape of a condom wrapper becomes a brief state of panic for the party who was cheated on and a huge relief when the wrapper is discovered to be a package for their child’s toy. A partner who has abandonment issues, will feel neglected when their partner puts other priorities ahead of them, especially if they don’t necessarily agree with the other priority.
Learning how to be in relationship is a skill that reaps many rewards if we’re willing to invest the energy and time to practice. Often, as people, we have our own “holes” from trauma that happened to us before we’d met our partner that need to be loved. When our partner, who is learning how to love us, doesn’t quite know what those are they tend to poke further holes in the “ship.” As they begin to develop a deeper understanding for who we are, including all of the damage that we already have from situations unrelated to them, they develop sensitivity toward our delicate areas. The key is, they have to know where our landmines are in order to help us heal as opposed to setting them off. They will only know what our landmines are if we can be vulnerable enough to share all of who we are with them. We often only feel safe to share all of who we are with someone when they’ve proven that they won’t leave and will love us unconditionally. It’s kind of a catch 22.
There’s a song by Musiq Soulchild, entitled “Teach Me” that speaks to this. In essence, it is our responsibility to teach those we choose to be in relationship with how to love us. In order for them to understand our sensitivities, we have to lift the veil and allow them to see all of us. We have to be willing to be honest in our communication and stand in our truth. We have to be willing to say things like, “When you chose to work this weekend, I felt hurt. I wasn’t feeling well and I wanted to feel cared for. I felt as though I wasn’t a priority.” More often, rather than saying this, we grow cold and pretend that nothing is wrong all the while giving our partner attitude. Or we say something like, “You ALWAYS have to work. Why can’t you just spend some time with your family? You just don’t get it!” Rather than explain what our experience is, we attack the other as though they are wrong for not getting it when we are the ones who are responsible for teaching them. Granted, some students are much slower than others to understand a concept and others just don’t care to take learning seriously. Discernment is required when determining whether to end a relationship or stay involved. It takes a willing teacher and a willing student who is interested in learning who you are in order to make a relationship work.
This is why it’s so important to be single and date yourself before involving yourself in relationship. You are responsible for teaching someone else who you are and you can only do that if you know who you are. It’s imperative that you understand your wounds, that you know where your sensitivities lie, and that you understand your shadow side before you can teach someone else. Teachers must learn the material that they are to teach before they can ever step foot in front of a classroom with any sort of confidence. Many of us have never taken the time to learn ourselves and then wonder why our relationships consistently fail. Many of us often find ourselves sitting across from a new date explaining that our former relationships didn’t work because “he did this” or “she did that” or alternatively, “he didn’t do/have this” or “she didn’t do/have that” never owning the fact that we didn’t know ourselves enough to clearly state who we are and what we need up front to give that person a chance to be right for us.
There is no gain in pretending we are perfect when entering or maintaining a relationship. That is not what relationships were made for. Relationships are the place where we should be able to share all of who we are. Relate means (1) make or show a connection between (2) feel sympathy with; identify with. If we aren’t doing these things, then our relationship doesn’t stand a chance because it isn’t real and we are just pretending for fear of not being alone. Relationships, when done right, help us to practice love, patience, understanding, compassion, empathy, joy, communication, healing, and connection. Relationships when done wrong injure either yourself or the other more… often not out of malice, but more frequently out of ignorance.
There is a certain element of maturity and self-knowledge required to have a healthy relationship, which is why it’s often said that puppy love doesn’t last. There are some exceptions to this, however, I’m willing to bet that all of the couples who got together young and managed to stay together have injured one another and mistreated one another as they grew into spiritual maturity and are consistently working to undo some of the damage they caused one another as they’ve grown. I know this because I’ve been with my partner since I was 18 and am now 35. I know that some of my actions have caused him pain and that some of his have poked my existing wounds because I was too guarded to openly share those wounds. I didn’t begin truly getting to know myself until well into our relationship. I didn’t take responsibility for my own healing in the early years of our relationship. I wasn’t even able to see what needed healing to begin with. Ironically, some of our wounds are similar, which is why I believe God brought us together.
I don’t believe there is a “perfect” person in the sense that you will meet someone who never irritates you, never causes you pain, never does things that make you cringe, etc. I do believe there is a divinely appointed person out there for you who will help you to get to know yourself more intimately by doing all of the aforementioned things and challenge you to grow in love for yourself and for them more deeply as a result. There is a person who will see all of you and choose to stay and walk beside you. There is a person who will see the good in you far more than they see the ugliness… we all have ugliness. There is a person who will prioritize your relationship and value your spirit most of the time (none of us are perfect and score 10/10 on this one).
I pray that each of you develop a deep relationship with yourself and have the courage to share all of who you are with another. It’s one of the most fruitful efforts we can make and many spiritual texts often speak of relationship as the ultimate reason for life… to grow in a love relationship with God, ourselves, and others.
Did anything I had to say deeply resonate with you? If so, what? Reflecting on past or current relationships, do you see truth in what I’ve stated? Feel free to add your thoughts below.