I’ve been noticing societal programming that basically says, “It’s selfish for you to do anything without your family if you have a family.” It’s as though when you have children, many people expect that you bring them on every vacation. If you are doing something fun for yourself that could potentially be fun for your child too, there is some unwritten rule that requires you to take them. I know I’m not the only one that battles “mommy guilt” as a result of this broad societal expectation.
I had previously mentioned I was considering taking a retreat to India to my grandfather and my mother. While at a birthday party this weekend, my grandfather mentioned it since I’d told him that I’d decided to hold off for now because I wanted to focus my financial energy toward renovations on the new home we’re planning to move into next year .He replied, “Good, you should be with your family.” On another occasion, when I’d spoken to my mom on the phone while at Six Flags with my fiancé, she asked, “Did you take Valencia too?” It’s opening my eyes to the reason that I battle with unnecessary guilt in this regard.
I know I’m a good mom. I spend a lot of time with my child taking her to school, picking her up, having meals at the table, talking to her, playing with her, taking her on annual vacations, bringing her to parks, aquariums, out for ice cream, etc. Yet, when important people in my life question me about taking time to enjoy myself without her, it causes me to doubt myself and attempts to make me feel “selfish.” We all know that “selfishness” has very negative connotations in our society so the fear of being cast as “selfish” has always been pretty real for me. As an only child, I struggled with the stereotypes of being a “spoiled brat” and today I struggle with heaping guilt on myself anytime I do something exclusively for me.
It’s interesting how a lot of the inspirational/motivational quotes I come across on my Instagram and Facebook actually applaud self-centeredness as a good thing, yet it’s the very thing that I often catch myself beating myself up for. It’s a bit ridiculous that you face judgment when allowing yourself acts of kindness… a date day with your partner without the kids, a solo trip to re-center, or a walk in the park by yourself. Yet, it doesn’t seem the same judgement applies to men who have families. Nobody bats an eye when men take time out of the house away from their kids to recharge their batteries.
It’s a load of crap if you ask me and I find myself getting a bit angry about this because we seem to live in a society that gently nudges women into mental health issues. We live in a society that frowns upon women taking time away from their families to recharge, yet when she suffers depression or goes off the deep end…. everyone judges her. I’m slowly learning that much of this world will try to make you sick. If you allow a lot of the judgments and social programming in, you will not love yourself in the way that you need to be loved resulting in illness, both mental and physical.
As I write this, I can see clearly that the guilt is unwarranted. There is no reason I should feel guilty for being kind to myself and allowing myself to have the time I need to recharge. I’m very intentional about maintaining a balance. My daughter is well cared for. In fact, I give to me so that I can give more to her. I’ve learned that when I fail to give to myself, everyone and everything get’s a darker side of me and I’m not giving them the best version of myself, which they deserve. It is actually unselfish to be selfish. When I heal myself and authorize my happiness, I spill that healing and happiness onto those in my life, which benefits everyone. When I don’t, I’m short-tempered, withdrawn, tired, and not the person I wish to be, which then results in negative feelings about myself (for not being the happy and loving person I wish to be), which then lead to judgments of others, and a lower energy emitted into this universe. I owe it to God and myself to allow myself the freedom and time to let light, love, and joy in.
In fact, someday my daughter will most likely thank me for setting the example that it’s healthy to take care of herself and allow herself what she needs to recharge. She’ll learn from me what balance looks like and will create space for the things she enjoys so that she can better nurture those around her. She won’t take on the faulty views that say, “loving yourself is selfish,” which I battle with for never having seen my mom truly care for herself as she raised me.
My mom was a wonderful mom who I always knew loved me, but she was not without her faults. She never took time for herself which resulted in some unhealthy habits throughout my childhood. She drank every weekend during some periods of my youth, she overate, and she watched a lot of TV. She numbed the unhappiness caused by not giving love to herself with these things and often was easily triggered by my behavior. I don’t remember her ever having a social life while raising me. If she was apart from me, it was because she was working or at night school, but never because she simply went to do something that she enjoyed. I don’t recall her ever having any hobbies or interests. I don’t remember her creating joy for herself, which is why I think it has taken me so long to learn how to do this for myself.
Children don’t learn from what you say, but mirror what you do. As I consider this, I’m happy to be showing my daughter what love for oneself looks like. By giving myself permission to create and experience joy for myself, I am also giving her the permission to do the same and that is one of the best gifts I can possibly give her.
Are you currently holding yourself back from creating your own joy? Are you heaping guilt upon yourself for wanting to experience time alone or without children present? How can you begin to let more joy in? How can you stop resisting love and start allowing it?
Share your struggles and victories with me either in the comments section or head on over to my “contact” page to share privately.