For a long time, I’ve let fear hold me back in life. In prior posts, I’ve talked about how I’ve stayed in jobs for longer than I probably should have for fear of being poor, stressed, and miserable if I’d left and using the excuse of, “I don’t know what else to do,” or “the money is good.” Not only did I let fear hold me back from pursuing work I might actually love, I also allowed fear to make a mess of my love life in some ways. Fear has a way of showing up even if you don’t realize it’s there. It causes you to sabotage things that are good or beneficial for you because you fear you don’t deserve them. It causes you to miss out on the beautiful life you were meant for. Fear is basically “the devil” in biblical terms. Fear deceives you into believing that you are anything but a worthy child of the most high God. Fear’s worst fear is that you will realize who and whose you are, reclaim your power, and step out in faith against it. Fear’s worst fear is that you will realize it’s all an illusory sham! Fear’s worst fear is truth!
I’m finally owning my place in this world and not allowing fear to hold me back from what is mine any longer. The happy relationship that God has given me is mine for the taking and because he has given it to me, it’s proof that I DO DESERVE IT! The work of my dreams stands ready and waiting for me to claim it. The life that I long for is mine so long as I step forward in faith and courage ready to do what is necessary to take it!
The venue was a beautiful outdoor/indoor venue by the ocean that incorporated natural elements… trees, candlelight, open air and sky, sounds of the ocean in the distance etc. As we sat in the “garden” area, it hit me that many of the elements were things straight out of my Pinterest board… tealight candles in mason jars, starlight globes hanging from the trees, tree canopies shading the entire area, white Christmas lighting wrapped tree branches, lanterns, dim fire lighting, rustic wood elements…. Etc. It was my very own version of a fairytale evening… romantic and natural in the open air.
I’d learned of this place on accident. I hadn’t been looking for a venue at the time, but God had been leading me to evaluate my relationship, nudging me forward to consider what marriage and commitment really meant to me, and whether it was something I truly desired. I walked into my yoga studio to practice and overheard a conversation between another yogi and the instructor about weddings. The yoga instructor said she got married in a restaurant for $4,000 with about 40 guests. I’d asked her where she had her wedding and she gave me the name of this restaurant.
To put this in perspective, I am anti-wedding for cost reasons. I think the costs and “show” of the wedding are entirely unnecessary. I feel it’s exorbitant and it’s a prideful show of money which takes away from the meaning of the day (in my opinion). While I’m still wrestling with spending $100/pp on one day (if it turns out that the cost is $4k for 40 people when I speak to the place), I realize that this is mere cents when it comes to the norm for wedding costs (13% of the average $30k wedding). I’m a frugal person by nature. I’ve never understood the importance that the world puts on brand names and would rather brag about getting a great outfit at a thrift store for $5 than wear some designer dress for $500.00. Expensive has never equated to “better” in my mind.
When it comes to my wedding, I feel the same way. I have a hard time seeing the value in overspending for every little thing and the way the wedding industry nickels and dimes people is absolutely outrageous and should be a crime. “Oh, you want gravy with your mashed potatoes… extra $50.00.” Again, my feelings here play into my views of capitalism as a whole, which aren’t very positive. Every time I’ve started looking at options for weddings, I’ve gotten really turned off by the costs of everything and have then distanced myself from the activity. In other words, I totally ignored the fact that I was engaged and should be planning a wedding. It kept getting pushed to the backburner because it was not something I wanted to think about.
As God often does when there is something He wants of us that we push to the backburner, he kept throwing subtle… not-so-subtle signs in my face. First, it was being turned down to serve in the children’s ministry at my church because I wasn’t married, yet was living with my fiancé and child. The church places a big emphasis on commitment to the family unit and I understand this more now than at the time I received this response. After this, it was a podcast about relationships that said, “The tram at the airport isn’t meant to be sat on and ridden for 15 years. It’s meant to lead you to a destination. In other words, you shouldn’t be dating forever and not fully committing to the one you love. Get married or get off the tram and free that “seat” aka person up for someone else.” Other instances were being interrogated by a perfect stranger at a mystery dinner about why we weren’t married after a long engagement. I knew that one was 100% a message from the spiritual realm… God’s way of saying, “I know you hear me and yet you aren’t doing anything with it! Wake up Jackie!” Then, while pondering this whole event, I realized Jesus didn’t “kind of” commit to us. He loved us so wholly and so fully that he went “all in” and stayed steadfast in his commitment to love us even while being crucified for it. Then immediately after this my church chose to do a message called, “Heart for the House – Commitment,” which convinced me that my fears about marriage were normal and warranted since it is such a huge decision and commitment to live up to. Then being at my yoga studio and walking into the conversation about weddings, where I learned about the place I’m writing about here. God has been leading me to deeply consider where I stand on the marriage topic for some time now and I’m finally ready to go all in and make the ultimate commitment.
My first step was to buy my dress. Being the frugal phenomenon that I am, I went online and scored a $250 gem (I’ll post photos once I finally tie the knot), which you would never ever believe only cost that much. In my opinion, it’s more beautiful than any dress I’ve seen… it’s the one! Oddly enough, one of the first sites that I looked at is where I’d found my dress. God made it easy for me! Then, seeing this restaurant in person and being smitten with it because it was so reminiscent of the type of place I designed in my mind and on my Pinterest board. Now to see what God does in terms of pricing… I’m hopeful that it will all work out and be on the low side so that we can reserve and move this forward. Otherwise, it’s back to the drawing board… maybe an intimate destination elopement for the 2 of us?
I’m seeing the law of attraction working in my life since I’ve cleaned up my mindset and have been working on my level of love, faith, and trust. When moments like last night happen, I literally get choked up because it is yet another way that God is showing his love for me. While I may not be able to convey the magnitude of the experience and sentimentality, for me it is very personal and heartfelt every time I hear directly from God in my life. There is nothing and no one else that makes me feel this way. I had to “marry” God before I could feel fully ready to commit to my fiancé and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made.
Have you ever been overwhelmed by the love of God in your own life? What is your experience with law of attraction or manifestation? Are you married? Did you enjoy the planning process? How do you feel about the cost of weddings? Tell me about it.