My child is great! However, she drains the life out of me sometimes and I find myself being really irritated by her incessant persistence to get more. It’s always… 2 more minutes… 5 more minutes… of whatever it is she is doing. She just can’t accept that her original timeline is over even though we set timers to let her know when the time is up after we’ve told her, “you have 10 minutes to read a book before bed and then you need to put it down and get some rest when the timer goes off.” She’s 6, it seems like a reasonable compromise. She wants more time to unwind after getting into bed, reading is healthy, and we’re setting limits to ensure she gets adequate sleep.
Lately, she just continues to test with crying and yelling when the timer goes off before she is “ready.” It sets her off when she is in the middle of a book or if she finished a book before the timer, she expects to pick up another book and read it until she’s thoroughly satisfied. I am happy that she loves to read, just like me, but I honestly can’t stand the way she manipulates to get more, more, more, more…. It’s never enough with her! I can give give give give give…. And yet it still isn’t good enough…. She always wants more. If you can’t tell, this is a tremendous trigger for me that I’m still working for progress on.
Her incessant desire for more, leaves me with the feelings of “not good enough” that I’ve been working so hard to overcome. This evening, I’m reminded that I still have work to do here since her latest desire for more resulted in screaming, crying, and carrying on. I knew I didn’t want to deal with it and asked my fiancé to handle it, but he refused putting me in the situation of having to deal with the little tyrant when I knew my tank was not in a position to do it with much grace. The tank I’m referring to is my “love/patience tank.” I was in the midst of researching and starting to engage in my much needed “me” time and kept being distracted by her nonsense. I look forward to her bedtime because it gives me the space that I need to refuel, create, and just “be” without demands on me. When she decides not to cooperate with bedtime, I feel as though something is being stolen from me and find it hard to take.
I am an introvert all the way. I often feel I could survive quite nicely on my own private island and don’t really buy into the whole people NEED people thing very much as I’m quite happy being alone with my books, meditation, music, yoga, etc. I enjoy spending time in my own mind with my computer to release my thoughts to. I prefer intimate one on one interactions to large groups of people. I realize I’ve started lessening my alone time at night in favor of trying to bond with my fiancé and it’s beginning to result in some reactivity. I need to get back to creating my sanctuary of meditation, writing, and reading. When I’m reactive, I notice it’s because I’m probably not doing enough to fill myself up and create the space for myself that I need to be kind, loving, and happy. It also means I’m probably ruminating on something else that is draining some of my energy resulting in a shorter fuse.
I believe introverts have a harder time acclimating to parenting than extroverts. Sometimes, in my darker moments, I feel like introverts shouldn’t have children because kids thrive on connection with other human beings. They suck up all the energy in a room requiring so much attention, servitude, and energy from their caregivers. Introverts do not recharge around people… we recharge in solitude and silence, which is something that seems to be hard to come by as a parent and partner. When I isolate and create alone time for myself, I feel guilty as though I’m depriving those that love me from time with me and not giving them the love and attention they deserve. When I don’t isolate, I can sometimes get reactive and lose my cool resulting in disappointment in myself for not “being a better (insert word here).”
Admittedly, sometimes I question whether I made a mistake with my life choice to have a child and couple up. Most days I’m happy to have them, but in moments like this one where I’m not feeling incredibly jubilant about being a mom, this doubtful thought likes to come in and attempt to make itself at home. Moments like these are the ones that we have to fight harder to cling to the things we are grateful for about our lives. Moments like these are the ones that we must work to release the thoughts and not allow them to stay for very long. Moments like these are where the practice on the yoga mat and meditation come in handy. Moments like this are the ones where we must find compassion, forgiveness, and love for ourselves. Moments like this are the ones where we must go deeper to assess what the reactivity was trying to communicate, listen, and obey.
In moments like this, we are drawn to battle on the front lines of our very own spiritual warfare. In these moments we can wallow in the pit of our reactivity or we can see the situation with love, acknowledge our imperfection, forgive ourselves, and listen to our inner spirit to better understand where the reactivity came from. The better we know ourselves, the more quickly we can see our “demons” when they attempt to take us down. This “not good enough” demon is a persistent and strong one for me. It’s the one that manifests itself in different situations… rearing its ugly head at inopportune moments and allowing the ego to shine forth in less desirable reactions to situations. I see you… and thank you for reminding me to practice loving myself more deeply. I forgive myself for getting frustrated at my daughter for not wanting to lie down and being persistent in trying to get more. I am enough! I am listening and will take the space that I need to feel full, whole and happy because I love you. I will work harder to set and maintain boundaries. I will not deny you what you need to be healthy, happy, and fulfilled.
The way we treat ourselves is how we will show up for others. It’s imperative that we remain vigilant in our self-care routines. What do you need to feel healthy, happy, and fulfilled? Are you allowing yourself those things? Do you notice how your behavior shifts in times where you start slacking on self-care? What can you do in a statement of love for yourself today?