I attend church every Sunday and this year, my grandfather has been accompanying me. Usually I pick him up, but the past couple of weeks, he’s insisted on meeting me there with his own car. I find this slightly odd, but haven’t asked about it. As we were waiting to go into church this weekend, he was staring at me with this really reflective look on his face. For a moment, it made me question if I had something on my face that I wasn’t aware of so I asked him. He replied, “No, I can’t just look at you?” to which I responded, “Sure, you can.” Then he commented on how nice my teeth were to which I’d replied with a, “Thank you.” His looking deeply at me made me feel slightly awkward and uncomfortable, I’m not quite sure why. That and aging are really what this post is about.
Have you ever been stared at or looked at reflectively? It’s an odd experience. I felt as though my grandfather was studying my face to create a mental photograph in his brain in that moment. Maybe he was and maybe that is why I felt uneasy in the moment. It made me wonder if he knows something that I don’t with regard to the time he has left on this Earth. It made me wonder if he was capturing the moment to take with him when he passes. Just thinking of his passing is enough to bring me to tears in a moment. It isn’t something I think about often because it does bring up sadness for me and I prefer to feel joy, love, and peace.
As he studied my face, it made me think about how little we really see one another. Most of us are uncomfortable with intense gazes. Like me, I think a lot of us feel really uncomfortable when someone begins to look for a little too long. It brings up a bit of insecurity and makes us wonder if they are looking at our flaws. This negativity bias certainly reared its head in me at church this weekend. Immediately, I thought, “he’s looking at my acne.” I just had a mini-breakout as a result of my monthly cycle and was having a bit of an “ugly” day. I don’t usually wear makeup so when this happens, I just let it all hang out and let the feelings be what they may. As he looked at me and complimented me on my teeth, I realized that I also have an issue with being seen and that compliments make me a little uncomfortable.
While I’m steadily working on growing beyond this discomfort and fully loving myself so much so that compliments can be owned and embraced, this moment was a reminder that I’m not fully there yet. It also was a reminder that intimacy in some ways can still make me uncomfortable. His staring deeply at me made me feel awkward and strange. I felt my eyes darting around so as not to stare back in an effort to avoid my own discomfort around the moment. In essence, I was seeking an escape from the present moment and witnessed my own fear of connection. I’ve gotten better at intimacy in many ways, especially with my fiancé, though again, this moment made me realize that I’m not entirely there yet.
When we were leaving the service, I said, “I’ll see you next weekend. Do you want me to pick you up since the service isn’t here next week?” He responded with, “God willing,” which isn’t his typical response. This made me wonder once again if he knew something I didn’t about the timing of his departure. As I drove home, I couldn’t shake the thought that I could have missed the opportunity to see him more deeply too. I had some ominous thoughts of, “What if that was the last time I get to see him alive?” I quickly shook these thoughts off, but realistically I know he’s getting older and death is inevitable for each of us.
The reality of death is something I don’t always think about, but it does cross my mind from time to time. More in a sense of pondering what happens after this rather than thinking about the loss of those whom I love. It’s easier to think about death conceptually than to think about it in terms of losing those that we’ve taken for granted each day of our lives as though they will always exist in this world with us. I don’t mean to say this in a negative way, but his staring at me made me realize that many times we leave sacred moments on the table rather than allow them in. We run away from the closeness and the discomfort instead of embracing them and going deeper with others. We float easily on the surface instead of diving into the deep. We do this so much that when one of the more intense moments of life come, we avoid it like the plague because we are in unfamiliar territory and it feels uncomfortable.
This week, I’m finding myself praying that he does make it to church next week and that I get the opportunity to see him and connect with him more deeply because this weekend taught me that I don’t want to leave anything on the table. I don’t want to take moments for granted, especially with him since he is getting older and his days here are becoming less. I’ve been practicing being fully present in moments with my daughter, my fiancé, and in my life in general. I’m proud that I can bear witness to the fact that I missed out this weekend. In a moment where I should have winked at him as I gazed back, like he always did when I was a child, I fidgeted and avoided. I can’t wait for the opportunity to course correct. Live, learn, then work for progress!
Is there anyone in your life whom you feel time slipping away from? What can you do now to see them more deeply before time runs out? How can you allow them to impact your life and how can you impact theirs? Share in the comments or by contacting me directly.