If you want to know the meaning of resilience, take your child to a roller-skating rink and watch all of the young kids who are just learning to skate. My daughter and I went today. She is a beginner, having only been once last year. It was beautiful to watch the evolution from the time we arrived to the time we left. When she’d stepped out on her skates initially, she was unsure of herself and wobbly. The fear was palpable and I could feel the hesitation within her. As I looked around, I pointed out others who were just beginning as well so that she wouldn’t get discouraged. My daughter has a tendency to get discouraged and start with the “I cant’s,” which is something we’re trying to discourage and quell.
As I was teaching her to skate today, I’d looked around and I saw so many people falling, getting back up, then falling again, and getting back up. Kids of all different ages were attempting to find their flow on the skates, falling out of balance, landing on the floor with a crash, then swiftly getting back up to try it again. Valencia hit the ground several times and with all, but one, she recovered quickly. One of her falls was brutal. She’d slammed her knee followed by her ribs into the ground with a giant “smack” and I honestly was praying she hadn’t broken something with the crying and tears that ensued. She wanted to get off of the rink and sit out for awhile to let the pain subside and I’d asked her my trademark question every time she gets hurt, “Do you think you’ll live?” To which she always responds with a nod of the head or a tiny “yes.”
As she responded, I asked if she wanted to get back to it and try it again and she indicated she was scared because she didn’t want to get hurt again. When she responded this way, I realized that this is hardwired into humanity. We get hurt and we become somewhat apprehensive to trying again. I gave her the choice and said, “If you don’t feel like you’re up to trying again today, we can leave and go do something else. Or if you want to give it another go, we can relax a little longer and you can let me know when you are ready to get back out there.” I was elated and proud that she chose the latter and got back on the rink to skate. I was grateful for her resilience in the face of adversity and felt a bit of pride that we were guiding her in the right way. I would have been a little sad if she had decided to leave.
The problem with many of us is we get hurt and we do one of the following, which keeps us stuck on the ground unable to get back out on the rink.
- Ignore that we’ve been wounded and let the wound fester to the point of infection
- See that we’ve been wounded and wallow in it much too long. In essence we put a bandage on and never allow the wound any air to heal. We relive the injury over and over again because we become fixated on the bandage that we wear as a badge of honor.
- Blame and seek revenge on whoever or whatever we believe to have inflicted said wound.
What we need to be doing is:
- Feel the hurt
- Acknowledge the pain
- Review what happened that caused the pain (extract any lessons)
- Ask ourselves, “Do you think you’ll be able to live through this?” (99.9% if we’re still breathing the answer is yes even if it’s a barely audible one)
- Kiss it better. Nurture ourselves until we feel strong enough to try again (Self love… give yourself the compassion you need. Allow yourself some time to recover and heal.)
- Get back out on the rink and try again
Watching the many kids falling and rebounding today, I realized we never really “grow up.” In life we are often attempting to find our flow, gain our balance, stumbling with a crash at times, getting back up and continuing to practice this life of ours in hopes of finding something that works. We do this in relationships, jobs, styles, parenting, etc. and if we are truly living, we do it over and over again. If we’re reflective enough, we learn something with each fall that we take with us as we get back up. As we continue to practice, we start to exude grace… becoming steadier… more balanced… and more in the flow of the rhythm of life. We discover that if we only decide to get back up, it does get easier and eventually we’re gliding smoothly and having a lot of fun while doing it.
Would you classify yourself as a beginner, intermediate, or seasoned professional in finding your flow? What have you learned so far?