Oddly enough, as the next question came up in the group conversation, everyone looked at me. I said, “I feel like all eyes are on me,” and one of the women actually said, “because you have really well thought out insights.” The thoughts in my head were incorrect. Here I was telling myself to, “Shut up and let other people talk,” and here they were interested in what I had to contribute and actively seeking more of what I had to say (at least that one woman was).
My past experiences were trying to grab me and yank me back into being small, not being heard, not being seen, and definitely not taking up any space. The voice in my head took me back to junior high where, “girls didn’t like me,” “I was a target,” and those same girls accused me of being, “stuck up” and thinking I was “all that.” Looking back, I realize that going into junior high, I was more authentically who I was created to be, and I allowed these girls to dim my shine with their own brokenness. I’m slowly coming back to reclaim my space and shine as brightly as the sun.
I believe the instructor today was passing along a divine message to me. Through her, God was letting me know that I was on the right track with noticing those voices last night and that I deserve to take up space. I deserve to have presence. I deserve to be heard. I deserve to feel that what I have to say holds value. I deserve to speak my heart and mind. I am worthy of my place at that table or any other table for that matter and I need to stop telling myself to “shut up.” I also need to stop trying to be a mind reader. I don’t know what anyone is thinking or feeling about me at any moment and it isn’t my job to figure it out. My job is to own my space, shine my light, and share my presence, which is what I intend to continue practicing.
The knowledge I’ve gained from the reading I’ve done, the inner work that has allowed me to gain clarity into matters that can benefit and serve others, and the information that I hold cannot work miracles in this world if I decide to play small. I’m feeling it is my duty to break this nasty habit of mine so that I can be used as a miracle worker in this world. Every time I “shut up,” I shut out the potential to bless somebody with my words, share a token of wisdom I’ve gained on the journey, and grow in relationships and overall as a human being. I choose to show up for my life instead of sitting on the sidelines in silence and I’d love for you to join me in doing the same.
Do you struggle with this? What situations make you feel that you need to “shut up”? Tell me your story and let’s overcome this self-defeating habit together.