This morning, I’m feeling rather emotional. I’ve been feeling called to write much more lately and have also been feeling pulled in the direction of faith-based healing work, though I’m not sure just yet if the call is a pastoral calling on my life. The only way I can explain it is that my thoughts are often riddled with Bible passages and insights these days and it is becoming extremely hard to stay in my current job. I am feeling compelled to quit now that I know what it is, I want to do and what it is I was designed for, but am not feeling supported by my partner, my mother, or really anyone for that matter. Being a somewhat practical person, I can see why they find it hard to support my deep urge. They cannot understand the urgency with which I am feeling this. I don’t think they can relate to the intensity of the vision.
I prayed for passion and I prayed for vision and I prayed for clarity and healing. I know God is answering me and I feel as though I am at a defining moment. Do I answer in gratitude or do I ignore and cling on to the attachment of the job that earns me “good money.” In writing this, it sounds like a “no-brainer”… I answer God in faith. However, in practice, these fears keep getting in the way. The sense of uncertainty and the lack of others belief in me is a stumbling block right now. This morning I prayed, well really it was more of a venting session with God… not necessarily asking for anything, but mainly just talking about how I’m feeling and as I got home and sat, Matthew 16:23 popped into my head.
I can relate so deeply to this verse right now as I feel that the passion within my heart and within my gut has been placed there by God. It is no accident that last year I was spiritually awakened and upon praying for purpose and passion, I’ve been granted a great passion for God and for helping others on their paths toward wholeness in Him. I have these large visions of healing the world and seeing everyone whole and healthy doing what they love and living for love and God. I want everyone to have their lives restored as I am having mine restored and to feel their way through this experience for themselves.
While this excites me, the prospect of leaving my job without another “job” strikes fear in those that love me and if I’m being honest, it also strikes some fear in me too. I’ve been telling my fiancé that I wanted to leave my job and pursue this leading that I’ve been having full time. I’ve expressed that I want to pour my energy into this passion that has been placed in my heart and that it actually hurts me to do something that is not in alignment with that. He just continues to shrug me off and say stuff somewhat sarcastically, “Yeah… ok.” He doesn’t contribute to the conversation or try to understand. I feel that I am in the place of Jesus right now, that I am pouring my heart out and explaining what I believe to be my purpose and being told by those I love to think “practically.” I feel that their fear of losing security and money is heightening my fears and making me less courageous in some respects even though, if left to my own devices, I know God is telling me to step out onto the water and that it will be ok… I won’t drown. If you’ve read earlier posts, God also revealed that I need to “Trust myself.”
I see why God tells Peter to “Get away from me Satan.” I see how well-meaning people can, out of love for you, deter you from God’s purpose for you. Jesus is telling Peter that he must not be deterred by the doubt and fear within Peter as doubt and fear does not come from the Lord. I also understand Paul’s intention in 1 Corinthians 7:6-9:
I see how in partnership; your loyalty can become torn between your partner and God. I see why it is so critical to the Christian church that partners be “equally yoked.” In other words, that they share the same love and honor of God so that they will respect the call God puts on each of their lives and concede to God’s will as a unit understanding that God is always #1 and their purpose in serving Him comes first. I don’t really see every step of the path just yet, and I know to some I could be making a mistake by leaving a securely paying job that offers me the ability to work from home a few days a week to leave with the goal of writing and expressing as much as I can, building a blog, and working with the church. I may even look back one day and say, “What was I thinking?” Though I feel that the odds of me doing that are slim knowing that I have been lit on fire for a purpose and feel I’m in a defining moment of my life.
Last night, while watching the final episode of “The Bible” series, I realized that, like Peter, many of us betray God when we choose not to fully live out the purpose he has for us out of fear. I felt God speaking to me through that portion of the show.
It hit me like a ton of bricks that I too was denying Jesus each time that I continued to keep heading in the direction that I know is clearly wrong for me. Each time I ignore the leading of the spirit through my being and through universal signs, and each time I attempt to find certainty before I make a move, I am in essence denying Jesus in my own life. Every time we are doing something against what we know in our heart of hearts to be right for us, we are in essence denying Jesus.
Oddly enough, I put my “praise” playlist on in my daughter’s room every night when she goes to sleep. I got up after the episode to go to the bathroom and Ziggy Marley’s “Never Deny You” was playing in her room. It taunted me… pushing me further and further into confirming the decision that I need to change my vocation and change soon. I need to pick a side. Am I going to play on the side of the world and allow doubts and fears to deter me, or am I going to play on the side of God and just take a leap of faith into what I feel I am being called into? I write the story, and I’m choosing to play on God’s team with trust that everything else will fall into place.