As I read this quote, it really resonated with me. I feel at 34 years old, I am finally coming into my own. I’m realizing that certain situations are just not “for me.” I’m learning more about who I am, what I enjoy, what I don’t, who I want to become, and striving to find my place in this wide world of diversity, challenge and opportunity. I’m learning that to stay in a passionless job or relationship is to deny yourself your birthright of being exactly who you are and enjoying the ride. As a result, I’ve been inspired to write much more these days and have decided on starting the endeavor of beginning a blog with no real idea of where it will lead. The only thing I know is that I must start embracing what I’ve always found joy in then letting it evolve into whatever it would like to become (today you are reading that dream manifested).
I’ve always enjoyed reading and writing ever since I can remember, but had let it go for some time due to the business of life. Other things started to take priority and the writing became “something I used to do.” I’d stopped as a result of having my privacy invaded when someone close to me read my journal. I love reading nonfiction, mainly because it gives you insight into the mind and experience of others. I’ve always felt liberated to share the deeper parts of myself when I am faced with a blank sheet of paper or a blank screen for that matter. I believe it’s because there is no judgment in it. It is not a conversation where you have to worry about how what you say is received. I don’t have to be concerned with the facial expressions or body language of my screen or writing pad. It’s complete and utter freedom in a way that I can’t experience any other way.
When I write, the thoughts just flood like a river whose dam has just broken. The paper is the ocean and the words eagerly rush in as though they’ve been held back from its source for years. There are times when I am driving and feel really inspired to start flooding a page with words in the midst of it all. Inspiration is funny like that. It comes at sometimes inopportune times, waiting to see if you will indulge it or if you will ignore it and let it go on to another willing soul who will embrace it and bring it to life. There have been times where I have let it bypass me then tried to regain the material later and could not. When inspiration arrives, the door to your heart and mind have to be open to it in order to receive it.
I’ve been working to become more open. Yoga has helped me, meditation has helped me, and church has also helped me in this. I now realize that these moments are not merely just, “good ideas,” but spirit calling to me and yearning to use me to bring creative ideas to life. I’m embracing the call now in a way that I don’t think I knew how to before. I’ve prayed to be of service, and I feel that through my voice…. my writing… my words, I can create the opportunity to help others find their source of inspiration, help them through some of the struggles I’ve gone through, or pass along some of the wisdom I’ve come to learn through my reading, life experience, and research. If I do not serve this purpose, well maybe I’ll be able to provide a bit of entertainment for you. If nothing else, this is an outlet for my innermost thoughts and a way for me to make more sense of my world allowing me to reflect and create a more fulfilling experience.
I don’t know why some things take so long for us to “get.” I’ve finally realized that this is what it means to be a vessel… to allow yourself to be used by the universe for His purpose. In part, it is just allowing yourself to embrace all that you already are. It’s allowing yourself to wake up and see that you don’t enjoy corporate America, that you don’t enjoy socializing as much as most, that you don’t feel purposeful in your current role or relationship. It’s refusing to lie to yourself anymore and clearing space for how God created you to be. It’s allowing your spirit to shine and embracing those moments of inspiration when they strike. I’ve firmly come to believe that all inspired thought and moments of awareness are a gift from the divine. When we choose to ignore them, we are in effect turning away from our creator and the natural rhythm of who we were meant to be and are thereby displaying carelessness and disdain for God.
I’ve also come to learn that there is a reason for pain. Pain often points us in the direction that we were always meant to go. I’ve been feeling this way in my work for a long time and have ignored the discomfort. The annoyance, stress, aggravation, and discontentment were all there for me to feel. It was there signaling me that I was not happy doing what I was doing, but I stayed anyway and ignored myself. I ignored the bodily signals that were telling me, in essence, “This isn’t for you.” Through yoga and therapy, I’m learning to read my body and understand what my body feels like when it is at peace and content. I”m getting in tune with my natural rhythm, my natural state of being, and so it’s become easier for me to tell when something is “off.” I’m still working on eliminating the fear of change that for some reason plagues me and has its stronghold so that I can make shifts quicker but am proud of myself for finally seeing more clearly and taking action on some of the lessons I’ve been led to.
I’ve been spending more time focusing on the things I can be proud of rather than the things that I haven’t yet mastered. Every moment of awareness is a “win” in my book. Every moment where I fall into reactivity, but catch myself quicker than the last time, is worth celebrating. Every time I set a boundary and create solitude for myself to regenerate and actually indulge myself in my writing is notable. There are plenty of things I could cite as still needing work, but as Joyce Meyer and my pastor constantly say, “I’m not where I need to be, but I’m definitely not where I used to be.” My goal is simply to grow in spirit, to listen more, to have courage, and to take small steps in the direction I feel I’m being led to go. Eventually I’d like to take leaps in that direction, but for now, small steps will have to do. So one wobbling, teetering, unsure baby step at a time I offer my experiences to you in hopes that my spiritual growth and obstacles can serve you in some way.
Enjoy your stay… Namaste!