This year I’ve been spending a lot of time doing inner work. I’ve been digging into my past and learning new ways of being with the help of a therapist, church, and many books in the spiritual/growth/self-help/psychology genres. I’ve been working to cultivate awareness through yoga and meditation. I’ve been listening to uplifting music and podcasts and eliminating any media that does not correlate with how I want to think and who I want to become. I volunteer this information to illuminate what I am about to say next. The more I learn, the more I feel accountable to behaving in the highest manner possible, so I am really feeling disappointed in myself at the moment.
Today, I’m having a day. I’m in a mental state of not wanting to mom. I’m doing laundry, dusting tables, making breakfast and lunch and through all of it my mind keeps taking flight and inciting rage about doing these things. As much l’m trying to reign it in and think about the positives: I’m home on black Friday when I could be working. I have a washer and dryer in my home and can do laundry without leaving the house. I have a daughter while others try desperately to have children. I have food to serve and have not worried in my lifetime about where the next meal would be coming from. I’m struggling to find the joy in this day.
These feelings started this morning when I was extremely triggered after my daughter insisted on watching a show. I am not a television person. I prefer silence and a good book or some relaxing music over tv any day. After I said no, she insisted on asking repeatedly and eventually I lost it. I went from saying “No” to then saying something to the effect of, “Just stop asking.” Then I found myself giving in, saying, “Fine, watch a show, but you are not picking. I get to pick and it’s going to be something that involves learning.” Lastly, I found myself raging as I was putting on this learning show. I felt as though I had been defeated by my 5-year-old and was giving in to her persistence and whining, which reminded me so much of what my mom always did with me when I was a child.
After losing my temper a bit and rambling on reactively about how I found her obsessive desire to watch a show disgusting, I felt awful. While she watched her show, I went to my room and sat silently, almost in tears, mindfully contemplating what about her behavior had driven me to this point. It dawned on me that I correlate watching TV with being stupid, lazy, and apathetic to life and learning. It also dawned on me, that I was mostly upset with myself for “giving in” and not being strong enough to remain consistent in my “No” leading to my teaching her that if she asks long enough and whines enough, mommy will inevitably give in. Lastly, it was fear. It was fear that in giving in, she would become me. There was also some guilt thrown in there for good measure. I was busy around the house this morning and not paying much attention to her. The TV request made me feel somewhat guilty for not entertaining her because “a better mom would be practicing writing with their kid or reading books with their child.” The whole scenario was fueled by my fear that she would grow up to be somewhat spoiled because her mom doesn’t know how to say, “No” and my insecurity about being a “good enough mom.”
Once I came to these truths, I purchased, “Parenting with PTSD – the impact of childhood abuse on parenting” edited by Joyelle Brandt and Dawn Daum. I was not abused as a child, though there are things in my past that have definitely carried into the way I parent and the false beliefs I’ve held for far too long. I feel that this book may be helpful in gaining more clarity around reactivity when parenting, which is what I strongly wish to avoid because it never leaves me feeling great when I act in a reactive manner. I’m excited to read it and will most likely add some posts with insight into what I’m learning through reading as I progress through the collection of individual stories of individuals who manage to parent after trauma.
I did what I knew to do after my brief reflection. I apologized to her for losing my temper. It is not ok to start yelling in my house. We work on expressing ourselves through effective communication. Emotions are fine, but we need to channel them in better ways than having outbursts of rage or crying fits and if we fail to do that, then we apologize for our behavior. I did feel better after apologizing, but the incident is sticking with me and I’m having a hard time shaking it. I love this new-found self-awareness I’ve been cultivating this year though sometimes it makes defeat feel really hard. I’ve been holding myself to a higher standard and because of this, it’s a huge blow when I let myself down by failing to act in love or failing to articulate myself in a manner that I deem appropriate. When I fall short, I hear Maya Angelou ringing in my ear, “When you know better, do better.”
Since I’ve been more in touch with my feelings and have brought some wounds from my childhood into the light, I am also more aware of how my actions are going to impact my daughter. When I have moments that get the better of me, like this morning, I not only feel sad for myself, but I feel sad for what it might do to her. I know most people will say, well my parents were this way or that way and I turned out fine, but I want better for her than what I had. I want to end any generational curses with me. I want to cultivate in her a strong sense of worth and belonging. I want her to feel accepted and know that it’s ok to make mistakes. I want her to have courage to try new things and have a wide comfort zone… one where she knows who she is and therefore feels at home anywhere she is. Being conscious is amazing, but sometimes it comes with a heavier burden than operating in my formerly reactive state.
I know that there is no going back. Once you’ve seen, you cannot un-see. This means that I’ll just have to work my awareness, emotional, and spiritual muscles much harder in order to carry the new, but welcome, burden of consciousness. In addition, it means I’ll have to continue to grow in the practice of self-compassion, which is a new addition to who I am this year. As my pastor always says, “I’m not where I need to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be!” May God give me the strength to continue on and be kind to myself even when I fail to uphold my intention to act in love at all times and may God also be with each of you who are also on this journey and can relate to this post.
Share your comments, stories, and tips below. It’s always comforting to know I’m not alone and I’m always looking for new practices that may help me to grow just a bit faster.